I Knew About My Husband’s Guilty Pleasure in Bed While We Were Dating. But This Isn’t What I Agreed To.

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Mariia Vitkovska/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I knew my now-husband had a foot fetish when we began dating. But it’s gotten so bad that I can’t get laid anymore! All he does now is rub his penis all over my feet and between my toes, come, and that’s it. If I tell him it’s regular sex first, then he can do what he wants with my feet, he refuses to participate. What the hell am I supposed to do? —Fetish Fight Dear Fetish Fight, At the very minimum, your husband is being stingy and rude. Depending on whether this significant change in the kinds of sex he’s willing to participate in is out of his control, or something he’s chosen now that your lives are entwined enough for him to feel he can stop putting in the effort to treat you like a whole, autonomous person, words like manipulative and coercive might also apply. Regardless, it’s unacceptable. It’d be different if he’d made it clear from the start that he is interested in feet and nothing else, but (if I’ve understood your letter correctly) he engaged in more varied sex at the beginning of your relationship, thus leading you to believe that the kind of sex you enjoy would continue to be an option before or alternating with the sex he requires. Before you call your “come to Jesus” meeting, decide what you are willing to live with long-term. Would you want a marriage where you have the sex you enjoy with someone else, and your husband either sticks to your feet or finds partners who are more fulfilled by feet and feet alone? What about no sex at all for the duration of the marriage? Is divorce something you’d consider? Be clear on what your limits are, and what you’re comfortable putting forward as a consequence if the situation does not change. Also think through what, based on your knowledge of your husband, might be useful. Would requiring your husband to go to therapy solo to try to regain the sexual flexibility he previously exhibited help? How about couples counseling to help the two of you work through how to return to a status quo of alternating sex you enjoy with the sex he enjoys? Make sure you think this all through beforehand so you can give answers you can stand behind if any of it becomes relevant. Start the discussion by communicating, clearly, that what your sex life has turned into is unsustainable for you, that this is very serious, and that you need to understand what changed and why the two of you are at this point. Be gentle, as there’s a significant chance he feels some amount of shame and that shame may be part of what’s fueling this change. What your husband is able to share with you, and whether he’s willing to talk through it at all, is going to dictate what potential solutions make the most sense to start with. If emotions start getting heated, table the conversation and either take a few minutes to calm down or agree to pick it back up in a few days. Ideally, he can let you know what shifted and the two of you can decide together how you’d like to move forward. If your husband will work with you on this, there’s a lot of potential. If he won’t, you are completely justified in showing him the door, and it won’t be due to kink shaming; it’ll be due to unfair treatment and nonconsensual objectification. —Jessica More Advice From Slate My husband and I are our only partners. We are in our mid-40s and have been together for 25 years. As in all longer marriages, ours has had ups and downs, but we are each other’s best friends and have worked through our marital issues, sexual and otherwise. Recently, and unexpectedly, I had an encounter where a man flirted with me. It sounds absurd, but this was the first time this had happened to me in over a decade. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Sex