I Just Realized My Wife Is the Worst Kind of Tipper. I’m Mortified.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by eggeeggjiew/Getty Images PLus. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My wife and I live in a fairly suburban area. We have two kids and we both have jobs, so we’re really busy and end up doing grocery delivery a lot. But I just found out that our tipping philosophies are very, very different. When I order groceries, I tip 15 percent each time. For example, my last order was $117 for groceries, $2 for sales tax, $6 for the service fee, and $3 for the priority fee (I wanted to get it delivered fast), and then $18 for tip. My understanding is that the app (we usually use Instacart) pays the shopper a base amount per order ($6 to $12 from what I see on Reddit) and then my tip on top of that goes to the shopper, too. To me, I think $24 for an hour’s work is OK. Not great, but I don’t feel like I’m taking advantage. Well, I was recently looking through my receipts and saw that when my wife orders, she changes the tip to $10, every time! I asked her what she was thinking, and she said she thinks that’s a fair tip for going to get groceries. I’m so upset about this. I have never noticed her being cheap like this before. I explained that I did research on how much the shoppers are paid and that I’m only comfortable using the service if we tip 15 percent minimum as a family. (All of our orders are over $100). She’s made one order since that conversation and still kept her $10 tip—I was able to check up on it in the app and adjust the tip, but I don’t want to do this every time, I want her to do it. How can I make sure my wife isn’t stiffing workers? —The Pay Is the Tip Dear The Pay Is the Tip, Your wife probably doesn’t see it as a matter of “stiffing workers.” Ideas about tipping are all over the place—in this Reddit thread alone, acceptable answers range from $3 to $30. Peer-to-peer services don’t make it very clear how much workers are actually getting paid, so it’s hard to decide on social rules for what is customary. According to one source, the average pay for Instacart shoppers is around $18, but that might be because, in some places, recent legislation mandated minimum pay rates for these kinds of drivers. Many drivers are paid way less than that, and averages might not be useful here because actual pay varies depending on a handful of factors, namely location. The larger problem your question highlights is that we’ve created a gig economy that leaves it up to individual shoppers to decide what’s a fair minimum wage for individual workers, but that’s a rant for a different day. Either way, it’s a little murky how much drivers are actually making, but in this economy, a little generosity goes a long way. It might also be the case that you and your wife are doing the math differently. You’re looking at it as a percentage, based on how much you’re spending on groceries, and she sees it as a flat fee for picking up an order. In her mind, whether the cart has $100 or $150 of groceries, the act of driving there and back is basically the same, and she’s decided that $10 is a fair tip for that specific task. But the more intimate problem here isn’t about the $8—it’s about trying to get your spouse to stick to your values on this matter. We all want a spouse who shares our values, but that doesn’t mean they’re always going to see things the way we do. Depending on how you’ve approached the conversation with her, she might be taking it as an affront on her ethics and an attempt to recalibrate her moral compass. Instead of trying to make sure she does things your way, sit down and have a conversation where you aren’t trying to convince her to be a better person, but instead, ask her to explain her logic and truly listen to what she has to say. Then, explain why this is important to you—not as a rule she has to follow, but as a personal value you hold. If you can’t reach an agreement, you have a few options. You might both see each other’s view but decide that it’s a low stakes disagreement and simply let the person who places the order decide how much to tip. Or you can agree on a compromise—set a flat amount that you both feel is acceptable, regardless of the percentage. Maybe instead of $10 it’s $14. Or, if you truly cannot accept a $10 tip, maybe you decide that you’ll handle the grocery ordering yourself. The bottom line is, you can’t force a partner to share your moral framework about everything. But you can talk about why it’s important to you and find a compromise that you both feel good about. —Kristin Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. More Money Advice From Slate My father-in-law is a very old-fashioned man. He lost his only son when he was in high school. It is a family tradition to name sons after their fathers. So he is “John VI.” He offered to pay for college for any grandson named after him. My wife and I are gay and expecting our first son via surrogate. My sisters-in-law all have boys. None of them have taken their father up on the offer. I think my wife and I should take him up on the offer. But she is worried about causing bad blood with her sisters. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Marriage Personal Finance