I Just Found Out What My Boyfriend Thinks About During His … Solo Time. I Don’t Like This Side of Him.

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I have been with my boyfriend for over two and a half years now. He just confessed to me that he has always fantasized about other women when he masturbates, even before we met, and still does so while being in the relationship. He’s fantasized about all his female co-workers in the two jobs he has had while being with me. I feel a bit happy he shared something that was really upsetting him because he says that he doesn’t really control it, was ashamed of it, and didn’t know how to bring it up to me. But it also makes me feel somewhat upset because I never thought he actually objectified all the women he encounters in his life (that is sort of how he explained it). He says he only thinks about it, but he is never willing to do anything about it. I feel a sense of sadness about this new side of him I just got to know. I want to support him in dealing with this, but at the same time, I am really scared of the unknown. What now? —What Do I Even Do With This Info? Dear What Do I Even Do, The revelation that a partner fantasizes during masturbation, even about people who are not me and who they interact with regularly in day-to-day life, would not phase me personally in the slightest. He’s having sexual thoughts; he’s not behaving in sexual ways toward these women, or seeking out titillating glimpses of them to feed his fantasy file, or, as far as I know, treating them in ways that interfere with their careers or personhood. What does give me pause is that he seems to have some element of shame around the things he thinks about when he masturbates, and that you are upset and unsettled by the content of his fantasies. The big question I have is whether your boyfriend wants to do anything about these fantasies he says he feels negatively about and has little control over, and has taken any steps on his own, such as seeking out a therapist who might be able to support him in that effort. Essentially, has he shown you that he’s putting in concrete effort toward changing this? If he has, ask him how you can support him. If he hasn’t, I’d take that into account when you’re deciding how to handle your concern and what to do moving forward. Assuming that you want to stay in the relationship, I’d think through your perspective on some of the issues that this revelation has brought up. What does objectification mean? Is it always negative? Would it still be objectification if your boyfriend were thinking about you? How realistic is it to attempt to control our thoughts? And how about our feelings? How much of the framing of “he objectifies all the women he encounters in his life” did you layer on, and how much of that is what he actually communicated to you? Yes, so much of life is unknown, and so much of people (even the ones we’re close to) is unknowable. But try to get as close as you can to figuring out what is unsettling you about this particular issue. When you’ve considered all of that, evaluate whether you can continue to be relaxed and comfortable around this man or see a path to being able to do so again. If the answer is yes, extract the core values apparent in the perspectives you’ve considered, and start figuring out whether your boyfriend’s words and actions have both indicated that you share each of those values. For instance (circling back to the question of who framed this as him objectifying all the women he encounters), maybe there’s a big gap between what each of you consider to be appropriate in terms of thoughts about others, or what the definition of sexual objectification is and whether it is ever neutral or helpful. Each of those possibilities can point to a size of mismatch that often precludes a relationship that is trusting enough to stand the test of time. There may be one or more big talks required to get all of that information. I have a hunch that if you’re genuinely on the same page about values, you’ll have an easier time navigating this situation. And if you’re not, you may be better off moving on—regardless of whether his fantasies continue or not. —Jessica More Advice From Slate My husband and I have an amazing relationship, and I love him deeply. A few months ago, at my suggestion, we started trying threesomes (with another woman) and have really enjoyed it so far. It’s brought us even closer—it’s given me a chance to explore that side of my sexuality—and it’s been a really fun and positive experience. One of our boundaries concerns his orgasm, which we decided from the beginning should always be with me. Advice Sex