I Just Discovered What My Husband Does Every Time I’m Out of Town. He’s Not Who I Thought He Was.

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear How to Do It, I recently found out my husband was looking at escorts. He emailed one to ask how it all works, and I saw since we share a computer and he was still logged into his account when I went to open mine up. I was concerned enough that I had us both tested for STDs, asked for couples counseling, and asked to see his bank records. It was both worse and better than I thought. While he claims it was just curiosity and I can’t find any bank charges for escorts, I did see he spent well more than $4,000 on strippers in the past four years, going monthly, essentially any time I was out of town or out to dinner with friends. Most times he was spending $100 to $200, but a few times he dropped $500, and none of this was ever disclosed with me. It’s been six months and even with counseling, I am having a hard time squaring who I thought he was with what the records show. We’ve only been married for three years! I didn’t think marriage would be this hard, this early on, without kids. When do you know the trust is gone, and it’s time to move on? —Stripped Dear Stripped, Is it expected that the two of you will have approval over how the other spends money? Do you think of him visiting a strip club as infidelity? How about pornography use? Should he have spoken with you about his curiosity about escorts? How does your spouse feel about these questions? How well do the two of you overlap in values? Ask directly, and have real conversations about these subjects. It might help to think through the “why” behind your answer to each question. Have you ever really decided your feelings about these things, and how you define the boundaries of “monogamy”? Or did your idea of how things should be get absorbed from the culture around you? Things that weren’t conscious choices are worth thinking through. It’s possible to rebuild trust. Trust requires respect. If you don’t respect each other’s values, you probably can’t build that trust again. If you do align, or can even understand where the other is coming from, you’ve got something to work with. Figure this out now before you’ve got children to consider. —Jessica Stoya From: I Saw My Husband’s Compromising Emails About Sex. I Investigated—and It’s Both Better and Way Worse Than I Thought. (August 11th, 2021). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, Just over a year ago, I dated a guy I met on a work project for a month or so. Long story short, over the course of a few dates he showed himself to be quite nice, but in retrospect, with a huge number of red flags. The biggest red flag was when he was driving me home one night after a dinner out, and he slowed the car down as we were driving through a deserted street with a bunch of empty warehouses. He pointed at one of the warehouses and said, “What if I were to pull you in there, and … ” I was shocked and immediately asked: “And what?!?” He kind of smiled, and said in a strange way, “Murdered you.” At the time, I laughed. I was so surprised that I think my brain told me that he couldn’t possibly be serious. I countered that I would fight him if he tried anything, and we continued driving. Our dates fizzled out, without ever getting physical, and in the year since, I have wondered whether his red flags were indications of some serious danger. I have also felt embarrassed and ashamed that after he made such a horrible statement to me, I went on two more dates with him. Not to mention all the other bizarre things that are too many to get into, but that showed him to be reckless, manipulative, and even sadistic. I suppose I was waiting for him to show me a better side that I hoped was there. Nothing terrible happened to me with him, but it could have. I don’t want to get into that situation again. The experience with him has made me seriously question my own judgement. Do you have any advice about how to go about dating after being so wrong about someone? I’m a woman in my early 20s, and I feel scared that I too easily explain away disturbing behavior. Where’s the line between giving someone a chance and backing away? How do I tell whether someone is socially awkward with a weird sense of humor or someone who will drag you behind a dumpster? I always thought things would be obvious and that gut reaction is enough to save you from the worst creeps, but I’m worried about my ability to judge others. —Scared to Date Again Dear Scared, You, in your early 20s, gave more chances than you’re comfortable with. I did the same, and now, in my mid-30s, generally give fewer than is probably fair to the individual. By 20, my roommate at the time and I had a list of questions we asked potential suitors: Do you deal drugs (and yes, marijuana counts)? What does no mean to you? How old are you—really? Do you understand that condoms are meant to stay on for the duration of vaginal penetration? Writing this out, I’m feeling pretty bleak about humans, because each of those questions has some wacky, inappropriate story behind it. And that list didn’t do much, because they’d ace each question and then provide us with a new one to add that we hadn’t anticipated. And, lest you think this is all men, there are stories of women caught sniffing through my panty drawer, using the child locks to trap one of us in a car, and other bizarre behaviors. Some lucky people never experience a hint of this. You, and I, and most of the people I know, though, have at least one horrifying tale. “Socially awkward with a weird sense of humor” and “person who might drag you behind a dumpster and kill you” aren’t mutually exclusive. They also aren’t mutually inclusive. Cool, calm, and collected with nary a hint of red doesn’t necessarily mean safe to relax around, either. Dating, and sex, are inherently risky. We can take a number of steps to reduce our risk, but we can’t lower it to zero. Sex workers who provide direct services have something called a “bad date list” that helps weed out bad actors, but that isn’t feasible for recreational dating.When I go on a first date with someone, I tell my roommate where I’m going and when to expect me home. If I’m feeling particularly twitchy that day, I’ll show him a picture. And if things look like they’re going to get sexual, we go to my place, where my roommate is within earshot. I wear shoes I can run in. And I’m reluctant to get into other people’s private cars. As a relationship progresses, I leave things at the other person’s apartment that I’m prepared to lose—ratty underwear, a toothbrush, and other things I won’t feel the urge to gather if I need to leave quickly. For your specific situation, I think you should take all the time you need. What happened to you is disturbing, alarming, and gross. When you’re ready to date again, start slowly. You don’t have to go on all the dates. You don’t have to go on any dates. If therapy is an option for you, do it—you can work through whether your justification of his behavior is part of a pattern, and you’ll probably grow in other areas, too. Another thing you can do is talk with your close friends about the people you’re seeing. Sometimes an outside perspective spots trouble before we can see it. Crucially, you have to listen to these friends—if you ignore their advice, they’ll stop giving it. And if something happens with someone else, and you aren’t sure about them, feel free to write back in. In the meantime, remember to breathe. Take care of your body—get enough sleep, enough water, enough vegetables. If you have some physical practice—yoga, running, core work on your bedroom floor—keep doing that. If you don’t have one, now’s a great time to start. —J.S. From: My Date Pointed at a Warehouse and Said, “What If I Murdered You in There?” My Reaction Worries Me.. (July 20th, 2021). Dear How to Do It, I’m a 52-year-old woman previously in a sexless marriage. I finally put myself on a dating site in February to see if I could do something about my perpetual horniness, because it’d been years since I’d gotten laid. Last week I matched with a 55-year-old man who swiped right because I listed “lots of great sex” as being important in a relationship. After some initial small talk, in which I found out that he’d had similar issues in his marriage and gone a few years without sex, the texting turned to sexting, and we decided to meet to see if we liked each other. Well, we did, and went to his place—and oh my God did we do it! It was hot and sensual and I had forgotten how much fun sex could be (it was always a chore with my ex, when he wasn’t rejecting and shaming me for wanting it). He seemed to feel the same based on his comments and noises, and he did some new things to me that I loved. We both said, during and after, we wanted to meet again. Later that day, I messaged to thank him for a great afternoon, mentioned I was more turned on than before, and in case I hadn’t been clear, I wanted to get together again. He said I was awesome and wanted that too, and we had a little more dirty talk about what we’d do to each other before signing off for the day. Now it’s been a week, and there’s been no suggestion from him of when we can get together again. He’s sent one or two quick messages to say “sorry, busy day,” things like that. Now all I can think of is the “He’s Just Not That Into You” episode of Sex and the City, when Berger tells Carrie and her friends that if a guy is really into you he’ll do what it takes to make plans to see you again no matter what. I know this guy owns a business that’s very busy right now, but I really want to go at it again. And now I feel like a ridiculous 22-year-old girl going over my date with friends in excruciating detail to try to figure out what he really meant—which I hate!What’s the etiquette here? Am I too impatient? Do I hang back and wait for a busy guy to make the next invitation? Or can I go ahead and ask when he’d like to screw again, while saying if he’s changed his mind to let me know so we can unmatch? Both our profiles said we are looking for something casual, so we are on the same page there. I don’t think he was lying about getting together again or how much he enjoyed himself. But maybe I’m fooling myself? —Insecure and Frustrated Dear Frustrated, It seems like waiting for this guy is preventing you from pursuing other sexual partners. Unless specifically discussed, there’s no need for monogamy after one sexual encounter. You could be putting your desire to connect into matching with and meeting other people while you practice patience with regard to this particular partner. He’s in contact, if brief. So it seems reasonable to take him at face value when he says he’s interested but busy. Given the framing of “casual,” I wouldn’t push to set a date to meet again.As for your feelings, you haven’t dated in a while. This is all new again, and heady, and—at times—stressful. Take some deep breaths, and remember back on how you’ve processed other uncomfortable emotions. Does writing help? Do you have a friend who is good at listening and asking questions that help you get at the core of what’s going on? How about showers or walking as you think? Whatever it is, do it. You’ll get better at managing as you go. —J.S. From: I Worry I’m About to Break the Oldest Rule in the Book When It Comes to Men and Sex. (September 22nd, 2021). More Sex Advice From Slate I want anal, but my wife refuses to try—not because she knows anything about it, but because she believes it may lead to infertility. How can I broach the topic without pressuring her, explaining the science? Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Sex