I Haven’t Thought About the Affair I Had in Many Years. Now It’s Come Knocking on My Door.

Dear Prudence My marriage will not be the same. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Nov 03, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos bytutti_frutti/Adobe Stock and ViDi Studio/Adobe Stock. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, When I was in college, I was stupid and had an affair with my married instructor. I wanted to continue it after the semester ended because I was convinced it was true love, and she blew off any attempts to reach her. After the summer break, I found out she had taken a leave of absence to have a baby. She said she was on birth control, and we did use condoms as far as I can remember. Twenty years later, I got married and am very in love. My wife and I have fertility issues, and it has left her fairly fragile, especially because her three sisters have had no problems at all. I got contacted by a young adult, “Lisa,” claiming that they are my kid. Basically, they did an ancestry test and found out they are not the biological child of their father, and their mother was cagey about how her child was conceived. Apparently, I wasn’t the first or last young buck that she took to bed. Lisa included some pictures from their childhood, and they basically look like a clone of my sibling. Finding out that I have a child will absolutely shatter my wife. I know that it will shatter our current life. I don’t want to open that door, but part of me feels like I have some kind of obligation to Lisa. Maybe. I haven’t told my wife or responded to Lisa. Would it be awful if I told Lisa they have the wrong man and asked them not to contact me again? Is it a cowardly move or a smart one? Help! —Maybe, Maybe Not Dear Maybe, “You have the wrong man. Never contact me again” would indeed be a little bit awful—and likely false. I can’t imagine why someone would lie about this. If it’s worth giving up your privacy, you could check the results of whatever service she used (where I assume you once submitted your DNA) to confirm before proceeding. Once you’ve seen evidence of Lisa’s claim, how about honesty instead? After a conversation with your wife (sorry, you can’t keep this a secret—that kind of deception, if discovered, would be far more damaging than the temporary infertility-related grief this news might bring up), try something that reflects the reality of how the two of you are feeling. For example: “Wow, I was completely surprised to receive your message. I can’t imagine how it must feel for you to have found me, and I want you to know that if I’d been aware of your existence, I would have been there for you when you were a child. Thank you for the pictures. While I don’t know what your life has been like, it brings me joy to see these images of what looks like a happy childhood. I’m not sure how much you want to know about my relationship with your mom, but if you have any questions, I will absolutely try to answer. I can say that I remember her as someone whom I cared about very deeply. And if there’s any health or ancestry information you need, I would be happy to provide it. I’m attaching a photo of my sister that you might like to see because you resemble her so much! I want to share a little bit about my life at this moment: My wife and I are in the midst of navigating painful fertility issues, so the news that I have a biological child feels especially intense. After discussing it, we are worried that we’re not emotionally solid enough right now to explore this relationship and show up for you in the way you deserve, because we are so preoccupied by our struggle to have a child. I want to be honest about that in the hopes that you don’t take it personally that I’m not in a position to be an active part of your life at this moment (although I don’t want to presume to know what kind of relationship you had in mind). I still hope to keep the lines of communication open if that works for you. Thank you for reaching out to me—I know that wasn’t easy. But I am here for your questions and open to reconnecting at some point in the future if you are.” I don’t think you want to shut this down completely. After all, you and your wife could have a baby next year and suddenly find yourself in a different situation, no longer feeling sensitive about the topic of biological children and wishing your kid had a wider circle of people who love them. And while the reality of struggling to conceive a child while discovering you possibly already have one may initially sting for your wife, what’s more meaningful is that you handle this unexpected situation with the integrity of the kind of husband and hopefully future father you want to be. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, After 15 years of marriage and two children, my wife decided out of the blue that she was unhappy and wanted to leave our marriage to see other people. Counseling was a bust, and we agreed to a trial separation. It has been a year, and I guess the bloom is off the rose. My wife has had a few relationships that have all ended disappointingly for her, and she has been stressed about not having another adult around to handle the kids or chores. I, however, have myself again. I took up classes and even found someone I have the most amazing chemistry with. My wife wants to end our separation and act like the past year never happened. Frankly, I don’t. It feels like going back into a cage, and part of me pettily wants to repay my wife for the hurt she caused. But I also worry about the damage being done to our kids. Getting a divorce means we would have to sell the house and move to a different school district because there is no way I could keep up two separate households (I currently rent a small studio). What should I do? A year ago, I would have traded the sun and stars to get my wife to change her mind. —Little Too Late Dear Little Too Late, Give couples counseling one more shot. Now. Look for a different therapist. Find one who can give you a chance to talk to each other in a way that turns down the volume on your resentment and maybe even brings you back to the feelings you had a year ago. You could agree on a narrative about what factors in your relationship got you to this point, and how things between the two of you could be better in the future. Or you could choose not to do that. And in that case, you can divorce for the right reasons—not to punish her but because the marriage is unworkable. You can split up knowing that this will have significant costs (divorce almost always does, especially when kids are involved), but that you know you did your best to make the relationship work, could not figure out a way to be happy with your wife, and don’t want to raise your children in an unhappy home. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, My boyfriend’s parents have custody of their 12-year-old granddaughter because her mother is unstable. He often goes over to help out since they have health issues and spend one-on-one time with his niece. The problem is that the niece has been escalating very disturbing behaviors. She constantly clings to her uncle and gets competitive with me. She will push between us on the sofa or throw a fit if I sit up front next to my boyfriend in the car. She was rude to my face and said she is a hundred times prettier than me and that I should just go away since I am not good enough for her uncle. This disturbs my boyfriend and his parents, but they constantly brush it off until this last time. His niece plopped herself right on his lap and kissed him full on the lips. It freaked my boyfriend out, and he pushed her off. She became hysterical and locked herself in the bathroom for over three hours until her grandmother told us to go. My boyfriend admitted that what freaked him out was that his niece had put her hand on his crotch while she kissed him, and none of us were in a position to see it. My boyfriend works as a teacher, and even a sniff of anything inappropriate could ruin his career. His niece sees a counselor every other week for an hour. It isn’t helping. My boyfriend has backed down from telling the truth to his parents and says he will just be more careful around his niece. I think this choice has a lot of red flags. First, something happened to this little girl. I don’t know whether it was sexual abuse or what, but preteens don’t act like this, and she needs more professional help. It could literally and figuratively ruin my boyfriend’s life and career. How do I get him to see the reason? —Girlfriend in Greenville Dear Girlfriend in Greenville, You should make the case to your boyfriend that while you understand his reluctance to make a scene, addressing his niece’s disturbing behavior (which, yes, is probably an indicator of something even more disturbing) would be the most loving thing he could do for her. The risk to his career isn’t at the top of my list of worries. This kid urgently needs help, and to ignore her cries for it would do a huge disservice to her. He has to tell his parents—and tell her counselor, too. Maybe it would help to explain to him that while he may be more careful around her in the future, her behavior likely won’t be limited to him, and the next man she approaches in this way could take advantage of her in ways that scar her for life. It would not be unreasonable for you to say that you aren’t comfortable dating someone who decides to brush off sexual advances from his niece instead of taking steps to help her. Classic Prudie My best friend of 14 years and I recently moved in together after the purchase of my new home. One of his three dogs is 16 years old and has troubles with incontinence, using the steps to get into/out of the yard, and movement in general. The incontinence is no issue, as my friend is very tidy and regularly cleans up; however, recently as the dog has gotten worse, he has taken to leaving her outside most of the day and night… Advice Dear Prudence Family