I Have Two 9-Year-Olds by Two Different Women. Now the Whole Thing is About to Blow Up.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by GlobalStock/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, There’s no way to say this that doesn’t make me sound like a bad guy. Ten years ago, I saw a sex worker (an independent lady who worked out of her home) while my then-wife was pregnant. The sex worker got pregnant, too. I’m not sure how many other guys were ordered to take a paternity test, but I was, and I drew the short straw. My wife was prepared to forgive me for cheating, but she filed for divorce when the other kid turned out to be mine. I now have two 9-year-old daughters, “Amelia,” by my ex-wife and “Bianca,” by the other lady. I also have a nine-year-old vasectomy, because as soon as it was clear my wife was not coming back, I was determined not to divide my parental resources any further. I’ve always paid generous child support for both girls, but have only ever had a few hours’ visitation every other Saturday with each of them. However now that they’re older, both moms are pushing for 50/50 custody. In my ex-wife’s case, I know it’s because she’s dating a wealthy retired guy and wants to travel with him. But she and her lawyer are very firm that if I get 50 percent custody of Bianca, my custody weeks with Amelia need to be opposite my weeks with Bianca. I’m wondering if I should push back on this. Granted, the few occasions they’ve met, the girls have not gotten along. Amelia was raised with no screens and an all-natural diet, so she makes fun of Bianca for not being able to read long books, and calls her fat for drinking soda and eating chips. Meanwhile, Bianca calls Amelia a stupid baby for not having a smartphone or Roblox or knowing who singers and influencers are, and “chopped” for not having a skincare routine. They also insult each other’s moms non-stop. Amelia, according to my ex-wife, is on the spectrum (which I have seen no evidence of) and needs her own room, and I only have a two-bedroom condo. So should I give in, or try to arrange it so I have custody of both girls at the same time? I don’t know which idea I dread more, going from being a mostly-free single guy to never not having a little girl around (however much I love them both), or having half my time free but the other half filled with high-pitched fighting and crying. I would love for them to become actual sisters and friends, but I don’t know how likely that is. Advice? —Dad in Double Trouble Dear Dad, You need to sleep in the bed you made when you cheated with your wife AND had unprotected sex. This story could have been absolutely tragic—what if you’d contracted something that couldn’t be cured and you passed it on to your wife? Luckily, it’s merely difficult and complicated, and as you are wholly responsible, those difficulties and complications are largely going to fall on you. It is wonderful that both your baby mamas want you to have joint custody, as you have managed to escape being an active parent for the past nine years. This will be a big transition for your girls as well, and your job is to make it as smooth as possible for them, not you. The only appropriate thing to do for now is to have the girls alternate weeks and for you to get used to parenting them individually before attempting to make them co-habitate and feel like sisters. Once you have gotten some actual fathering under your belt, you can then work on trying to get them to know each other. I would strongly suggest family therapy. A neutral party may be better than you (a man with no parenting experience) at getting them to a place where they can understand and respect their differences. Most parents “never not” have their kids around, and I may be more sympathetic if you had been actually raising yours for the past nine years, but you haven’t. Welcome to parenthood, good luck! —Jamilah More Parenting Advice From Slate A few months ago, a mysterious package arrived in the mail addressed to my daughter, who had just turned 4. Inside was a roll of nickels and a note calling her by a special name she made up for herself that I’d only repeated to a few people. It was signed from “a secret friend.” I didn’t recognize the handwriting, but after some detective work I tracked it to my mother’s husband of a few years, a man I always found slightly creepy but ultimately harmless. My two sons had birthdays in the months before their sister and neither received anything from this man. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids