I Have an Unconventional Way of Cutting My Kid’s Hair. My Friend Is Questioning My Methods.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My son refuses to get his hair cut, so I’ve had to take matters into my own hands. My 6-year-old son is autistic and non-speaking. He refuses to let us cut his hair. It really upsets him. We’ve tried “sensory friendly” barbers; we’ve tried one snip at a time; he just does not want us near his hair. So I do what I can with a pair of haircutting scissors at home when he’s sleeping, though he’s a light sleeper and, more often than not, he bats my hands away in his sleep. The result is that he has a messy, shaggy haircut. I also have to cut his nails at night, but for whatever reason I have more luck with this. The other day, another mom at the playground who also has an autistic child said that she would never cut her child’s hair while he was asleep because her child had not consented to it. This made me feel like maybe I’ve been doing something wrong by trimming my son’s hair and cutting his nails at night. Have I? I truly don’t know how else I could possibly do these things. He doesn’t answer questions, so asking him if it’s OK with him wouldn’t work. —Accidental Hairstylist Dear Accidental Hairstylist, It’s good that you’re thinking about consent; it’s very important. And your child also has real health- and hygiene-related needs that require your involvement, at least for now, and can’t be ignored. As his parent, you have to make sure that these things are taken care of—it’s just not an option to let his hair and his nails grow indefinitely. To be honest, even if your son did consent, I just don’t think that your current method is sustainable. You’re already finding it challenging, and he’s a light sleeper. I can’t see it working for either of you much longer! As hard as it may be, I do think it’s in his interest—and yours—to see what you can do to try to encourage and increase his tolerance, little bit by little bit, when it comes to these necessary tasks. Do you have any idea what he’s reacting to when you try to trim his hair or nails? If he doesn’t like the sound of the scissors or clippers, for example, you could try soft ear plugs or noise-blocking headphones (though of course you’d need to shift the headphones around to reach all of his hair). For what it’s worth, my autistic daughter does better with nail clipping when we use these quieter nail trimmers and put on her favorite music. When she was little, she used to watch a movie or eat a popsicle while having her hair cut. Maybe you’ve already tried some of these things and gotten nowhere. For more specific recommendations, you could try consulting an occupational therapist who has experience working with autistic kids. Remember that even a tiny step forward is still progress. Praise and reward your son if he lets you complete any part of the process, and then keep trying to build on that as you’re able. Good luck. —Nicole More Parenting Advice From Slate Our son, almost 17, shares his otherwise unique name with an adult film star. We first realized this about two years ago, and the problem has only gotten worse, as the star has become more … prolific. Any search of the name yields only pages and pages of the star’s porn links. There’s no shortened form or nickname, and our son has no middle name, so we don’t have options but to legally change it. The problem is our son does not want to do this. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids