I Have a Lifelong Dream for My Apartment. Fulfilling It Could Have Major Consequences for My Family.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by herlordship/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, After years of designs and approvals, my wife and I are finally cleared to build out roof access and a roof deck on top of our small urban apartment. This has been a dream of mine since I saw a similar apartment for sale 20 years ago, and it’s the sole reason that I bought this one eight years ago. The bids so far indicate that it will cost about $525,000. But I can’t decide if now is the time for the build, or if I should wait. My wife (42) and I (50) contribute proportionally to our expenses and also maintain separate savings accounts. I have $305,000 saved for retirement and $505,000 in mostly liquid, interest-bearing savings. (I also have a very safe investment that’s worth about $260,000 but would take 18 months to fully liquidate.) We have a shared savings account with around $10,000 in it as well. After my household contributions, I net about $900/month to savings. My wife is a few years away from paying off some debt, after which she’ll be able to resume saving as well. She has more than I do saved for retirement, proportionally anyway. My mortgage is reasonable because I was able to put 40 percent down. We have an almost 2-year-old, with another child due in January. If I move forward with the roof, I’ll fulfill a long-standing dream; as a city kid, I’ve never really lived in a house with stairs. We’ll also have more space to move around in, of course. But it’ll also make the next however-many years of child-rearing far more stressful than they would be otherwise. It’s unacceptable to me to give up on my dream, and it’s also unacceptable to put my family’s financial future at risk and to have to scrounge for things that I’d like to provide for my kids. I have $23,000 set aside for my child’s education with a well-meaning promise for more from grandparents. Historically I’ve received annual bonuses in the $20,000 range after taxes, but I know I can’t rely on those things. For various reasons, I can’t take out a home equity loan. I’d love a new way of thinking about this, or a push in the right (or wrong!) direction. —Raising a Family (and the Roof) Dear Raising a Family, Financially, you’re doing so well. You’re on track for retirement, your mortgage is manageable, you’ve got an emergency fund, and you’re already saving for your kids’ futures. Of course, I don’t know your full financial picture (for example, how much debt your wife has) but on the surface, you’ve got it made. The question is: Are you willing to give up some of that stability? If having a rooftop deck is your dream, your answer might be yes, and that’s totally valid. But you hinted at the problem with this, which is that not only would you be giving up the financial stability you’ve worked so hard to build but also…living life in construction mode with two little ones sounds like absolute chaos. You have to ask yourself if you’re ready for that, too. The upside is that in the next few years, your dream could be a reality. The downside is that the next few years might be crazy stressful—plus, the added stress of giving up your financial stability. Obviously, I can’t make the question for you, but you asked for another way to think about it, so consider that downside. You probably already know that childcare costs are massive, and I would hate for you to be in a position where you’re already stretched thin financially (and otherwise) while also trying to wedge a half‑million‑dollar construction project into the middle of it all. A counterpoint: The roof deck will still be possible later. Could you wait until the kids are in school? Or at least one of them is in school? Could you postpone the project until the chaos of having two very small children wanes a bit? A few years from now, your wife will be out of debt, her savings will be on track, and you’ll have a better picture of what your kids need financially. You may also have more emotional bandwidth to enjoy the thing you’re building instead of trying to deal with that while also being present for your kids. I’m not saying that funding this deck is a bad decision—I love people going all in on their big dreams. But you might enjoy it more if you wait a few years. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, ​​My husband and I grew up generationally poor. We are now in our late 30s and have really made a lot of progress in our lives, but we disagree in a vague, intangible way about sustaining our ambition. From his perspective, we have done enough. From mine, we just aren’t there yet. In our 20s, we started a fairly successful business that was able to provide us both six-figure salaries for a few years before the market shifted. Coming from minimum-wage families, this was huge for us, and I think we managed it well. We bought a house, did some traveling, and overall have a modest but quality lifestyle now. (And no kids!) I was able to leverage that experience into a really great salaried position, but my husband is now on year three of fumbling his way through sporadic freelancing. He’s not really motivated by money and very much struggles to conceptualize the concept of retirement. He seems to only be able to picture RV-park-and-golf-course-retirees and really can’t grasp the idea that I’m trying to set us up for a future that might include physically being unable to work or having no opportunities. Which is weird because we do see our parents still working for peanuts. (All four of them suck, so we’re not really in touch, nor thankfully responsible for them!) So we have no inheritance of any kind coming our way. Our house is a great asset, but that’s kind of it. We had to raid our IRA savings when we closed our business, and I’m maxing my 401(k), but we’re just so behind. I’m tired of feeling broke while I work full time at a salary beyond my previous wildest dreams while my husband skates by feeling like as long as the present needs are met he can kick his feet up. Our relationship is otherwise wonderful, and we have been through so much together. But I’m looking at the next hopefully 40 years of my life wondering if I’m going to have to pay for it all! —Still In It Dear Still In It, It’s hard to get serious about saving for the future when you’re not sure what that future looks like. For your husband, retirement seems distant and theoretical. He’s picturing tropes of people playing golf all day, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but obviously, that’s not what retirement looks like for everyone, and it doesn’t have to be what it looks like for you. All of that is to say, you’ll have a much easier time getting him on board with retirement savings if he has a clear idea of what exactly that looks like. The two of you should sit down together and imagine what you want life to look like decades from now. Is it living somewhere else? Working part time? Volunteering? Traveling more regularly? Make it a conversation about lifestyle, freedom, and what matters to you—not just money. Once you’ve come up with a more concrete vision of the future, then you can do the math. What does that vision require financially? How much income would support the kind of life you both want? There are plenty of retirement calculators to help with this sort of thing, but your numbers don’t have to be exact. You just need a general idea of what kind of income you’ll need and what that means for how much you should both be saving now. Break the goal into smaller milestones. Instead of “retirement savings,” think in terms of “this year’s goal” and “this month’s goal.” You already have a system in place with your 401(k). For him, it might mean opening up an IRA that he contributes to regularly, taking on an extra project to fund it, or setting aside a small percentage of each freelance check. Whatever it is, start small and celebrate when you hit those milestones. Make it something you do as a team. It might seem counterintuitive, but the most important part of this exercise is the visualization—getting your husband to actually picture himself in the future. It sounds a little woo, but it’s a cognitive bias called temporal discounting: our tendency to value future rewards less than present ones. The good news is, we can override this bias by making the future feel a little more present. For example, in one study, when people saw aged photos of themselves, they increased their savings rates. Your husband doesn’t need to age his photos (although, he can!)—simply having a more clear idea of what the future looks like can go a long way. You mentioned he isn’t ambitious or motivated by money, but that’s true for most of us. Money is a symbol. We’re motivated by what it affords us. For you, it sounds like that’s peace of mind. Your husband just has to figure out what his own “why” is, and the two of you can do that together. When the goal feels real, the motivation and ambition will follow. —Kristin More Advice From Slate My 5-year-old son is a terror at school. Not your run-of-the-mill disruptive, obstinate student but an aggressive, violent, defiant little terror that is currently about to start his third kindergarten class. There is something about a classroom and learning that makes him act like he’s possessed by a demon. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Personal Finance Real Estate