I Have a Good Secret Hiding in My Pants. I Wish Women Could Tell.

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Sevendeman/Adobe Stock. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I’ll just come out and say it: I have a big dick. Interestingly, it took me many years to realize this truth. I’m a straight guy who honestly thought that the women I slept with were just being nice when complimenting my unit. My issue is this: No one believes or perceives me as being “blessed.” How can I convey my “big dick energy “ to potential people I want to be with without being creepy? —Secretly Hung Dear Secretly Hung, As much as the opening of your letter made me chuckle (so brave of you to anonymously cop to having a giant wiener!), its self-assuredness is the right idea. To help illustrate, I’m quoting my friend and BDE scholar Allison P. Davis, whose 2018 essay on The Cut helped popularize the concept of big dick energy: BDE is a quiet confidence and ease with oneself that comes from knowing you have an enormous penis and you know what to do with it. It’s not cockiness, it’s not a power trip — it’s the opposite: a healthy, satisfied, low-key way you feel yourself… There’s a certain gait — sort of like you’ve got a massive dick swinging around — but also a twinkle in the eye, like if you look right at that twinkle you can see a dick swinging in the eye. Hitting the frequency of palpable confidence without lapsing into cockiness can be difficult. It’s hard to say exactly where the line is. It’s much easier to say what not to do: Don’t act like the blustering men of the right-wing whose dick swinging is all swing and no dick. Andrew Tate, Pete Hegseth, Donald Trump, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.—none have BDE. When confidence has an edge to it, a desperation to prove something, that gives off the opposite: shriveled dick energy. You do not want to come across as compensating. Perhaps you are too subtle, though, if no one is picking up on your BDE. Being more socially outgoing, engaged, prone to eye contact, and projecting a vibe that is both present and at ease may be useful. Also, study up on the hung smile—maybe a wide, relaxed grin will send the right message. I’m assuming that you are looking for guidance here specifically to make yourself more attractive to potential sex partners. Keep in mind that a stealth big dick can be a total delight, though. There is a specific satisfaction that comes from unwrapping the perfect present that you weren’t expecting. It’s probably not the best idea to mention your big dick in casual conversation, although that’s actually worked on me before (but then again, I’m not a woman and also overt sexuality doesn’t tend to strike me as creepy unless it’s persistently coming from someone that I’m clearly not interested in). On apps, it’s very easy to telegraph your massive schlong whether you come right out and say it or couch it somewhat euphemistically on your profile with something like, “Size queen approved,” or, “Thick in all the right places.” Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, I have so much trouble relaxing during sex, which makes it really hard for me to bottom! Whenever I start having fun, I just get stuck in my head and tense up again, which leads to pain. And I find topping boring. Any tips? —Zen (he/him) Dear Zen, Zen is the word. Meditation can help you cultivate the ability to manage your thoughts, focus on unfocusing, and leave your own head. The road can be long and full of frustrations, but the more you do it, the easier it may become to notice when you’re detrimentally distracted and change course. Start as soon as possible, and begin practicing mindfulness in general. The next time you are bottoming, pay close attention to what’s going on with you when you cross the point of having fun to being stuck in your head. What thoughts are distracting you? Is there anything external that is triggering this distraction? Sometimes it can come down to a partner; there are people that you fit with so effortlessly, sex can feel like an unspooling ribbon that you’re floating on. Other partners, whether it’s because of how they handle you, their kissing/topping style, or whatever, can pull you out of the moment. Go in with a positive mindset: Tell yourself you’re not going to get distracted. Then try to hold onto what is making the sex fun. Focus on the pleasure. Tell yourself specifically that, “This feels good.” Sometimes saying it out loud can help, and then if your partner also likes being verbal during sex, they can contribute and help keep you locked in the groove. Poppers might also help, though they can also spin you completely out of the moment—it really depends on how much you like them and what else is going on at the time. You should also stick with the position(s) you find most comfortable. If relaxing is best accomplished on your back, go missionary. If you’d rather be on your stomach, push for rear entry. Another thing to be aware of is the psychology of it all. I suspect that some guys don’t enjoy bottoming because they get freaked out about what it all means. We’re in a male-dominated culture, and going against the grain and taking a supposedly submissive or what society deems as “feminine” role can be difficult mentally. I think attaching automatic labels of masculinity and femininity based only on the act is a mistake, though. Take it whatever way feels right to you, and just know that finding your own path to pleasure does not define who you are as a whole, but just part of you. Share Your Story With How to Do It! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us! Dear How to Do It, I have been married for 20 years. I have two children, a nice house, and we are successful in our careers. I love my wife. She’s the rare person who can hold a conversation with me that keeps my attention. We have similar tastes in movies, books, and music. We also have great sex multiple times a week, which is more than many of our peers. My issue is I can’t control the urge to sleep with other women. While I have acted on it (with strict no-relationship or no-communication guidelines I laid out for myself), I have not entered into a meaningful emotional relationship with another woman. While I wish I could say being with another woman cures the urge, it sometimes makes it worse. I can suppress the urge for a time, but it always boils over. I don’t want to hurt my wife, and I don’t want to lose my family, but I also think I wasn’t built for monogamy. I have brought up bringing others into the marriage, but she says she’s only attracted to me. What do I do? —Carnal in California Dear Carnal in California, The obvious and unhelpful answer is: Try harder. You know that what you are doing violates your agreement with your wife and that cheating is no real kind of solution. In fact, it takes you to a place of being worse off than you were before you cheated. It begets more cheating. You’re on an eternal treadmill in the belly of the beast. If you’re doing things you don’t want to do and can’t seem to stop, you probably need a more serious intervention than an advice column. It’s time to talk to a professional who may be able to help you think through it and/or change your ways. These kinds of uncontrollable urges are sometimes associated with compulsive sexual behavior, a somewhat controversial diagnosis that doesn’t actually appear in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, but is sometimes diagnosed as part of another mental health condition, like behavioral addiction or impulse control disorder. I’m not diagnosing you, but I am going to encourage you to do some reading on your own about compulsive sexual behavior. See if you relate to the descriptions. Shaking you out of your habits will require a clear-eyed look at yourself that avoids excuses. You may be impressed that you’ve managed to avoid creating emotional connections with your side pieces, but would your wife feel that way? Doubt it. It could be that you simply aren’t built for monogamy. It’s not for everyone. Some people thrive on novelty. But the ethical way to do this is with a partner who is at least vaguely aware and totally OK with it—not by actively deceiving someone, which is what you’re currently doing. You may get nowhere attempting to will yourself out of the patterns you’re in, but if you don’t start examining yourself and holding yourself accountable, you will certainly get nowhere. And so the previous advice stands: Try harder. —Rich More Advice From Slate My boyfriend of six years recently told me he wouldn’t care if I slept with someone else, and I’m struggling to know how to take it. I don’t actually want to sleep with anyone else—he brought it up fairly out of the blue. I think he meant it in that he wanted to be a good ally? Like, I think he meant that he didn’t want to limit me in life… Advice Sex