I Hate My Boyfriend’s Kid. Luckily, a Solution Has Presented Itself.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Nastia11/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I’ve been dating a man, “Gideon,” for a little over a year now and can see us having a future together, except for one obstacle. Gideon has a 6-year-old son, “Max,” from his previous marriage. He has him on weekends, and having Max over is like inviting a tornado into the house. The boy is an uncontrollable hellion, but worst of all is that Gideon disappears into his office for much of the time, leaving me to watch him. The last time Max came over, he nearly got himself killed when he tried to climb a bookshelf. I barely managed to stop it from falling on him. Oh, and he kicked me in the shin for my trouble, laughed like an evil little maniac, and ran from the room. I was ready to call it quits with Gideon before he was offered a promotion at his job that would require him to move to Europe. By luck, it’s in the country where I’m originally from. It would be a dream come true in that we could get out of the U.S. before things really get bad, and it would mean that Max would be mostly out of our lives. Should I stay with my significant other as long as he takes the promotion? Otherwise, I can’t see myself being stuck as a babysitter to a mini demolition crew. —Across the Pond to Freedom Dear Freedom, Did I accidentally get lost on Reddit? Because EVERYONE SUCKS HERE. Not Max, he’s just a little kid. But you and Gideon? Eyyyyyuck! It’s unfortunate that Max is a poorly behaved child (allegedly—you have wicked stepmother energy, so I am not sure how reliable a narrator you can be when it comes to him). It’s understandable to choose not to be in a relationship with someone who has a kid you find intolerable. However, I’m concerned that your man is a clown for even considering abdicating the bare-ass-minimum parenting that he is currently doing now to go enjoy life in another country. If this kid is already having behavioral challenges, how might the loss of his Weekend Dad make things more difficult? Pausing to acknowledge that this man only has his kid two funky-ass days a week and yet he STILL pushes him off on you. First of all, the only reason he gets away with that is because you let him; most women I know have never been forced into non-consensual babysitting. Second, can you ever trust the affections of a man who seems to be ambivalent, at best, and completely disinterested, at worst, when it comes to his own child? If this is what he’ll do to his son, what do you think he’s gonna do with you? Does that sound like someone who will stick by you through thick and thin? Now, if Gideon were in some sort of dire financial straits that this move could save him from…I’m still judging him, because primary parents (who are usually moms) do not often have the luxury of picking up their lives and moving a great distance for work. I wonder, would your man use his custody arrangement to prevent his ex from making a move like that herself? Maybe not, since he doesn’t seem to see the problem with leaving his son. If this cross continental move would allow Gideon to cover ALL of the expenses related to Max’s care and he saw him for vacations, I would temper my judgment significantly…maybe. But if those aren’t the circumstances, then Gideon is going to take his ass to another country, disrupt his child’s life and potentially eradicate Max’s mother’s child-free time, which a primary parent absolutely deserves. Then what happens, you guys have a kid or two of your own? You pray they don’t share traits with the son, who is reflection of Gideon’s efforts (or lack thereof) AND his DNA? So Max gets to watch his dad replace him halfway across the world? Or are the two of you going to lead a blissful child-free life as if your man isn’t a freaking father? Does any of this sound good to you? Can you live with how this move would impact Max and his mom, even though you dislike him enough to happily accompany his dad as he abandons him? Is child abandonment always OK, or just when it benefits you? I may not be able to shame you out of making this terrible decision, but I can remind you that if something ever happens to Max’s mother, it is highly likely that his care would fall on Gideon. She may also one day decide that their son would be in better hands with his dad and that she is tired of doing all the work while he lives the good life with your selfish self. Or Max may one day desperately wish to live with his father. Then what are you going to do? Come back to the States and find another aspiring deadbeat dad to love? If you seriously date a person with a child, there is no way of guaranteeing that you will have limited interactions with that child. You should not want to partner with a father unless you are willing to be a part of his family’s life. Otherwise, you need to keep your relationships with men who have kids casual. I want better for you, for any children you may ever have, and especially for Max. The best thing you can do for all parties is to break up with Gideon and encourage him to attend to whatever challenges his son may be having that would lead him to behave as he does, such as having a father so disinterested in him that he pushes him off on a woman who doesn’t even like him. Get your shit together, girl. There’s plenty of men in Europe, no need to import a loser from the U.S. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband, “Matt,” and I have an 8-year-old son, “Daniel,” who is lactose intolerant. Matt’s mother, “Lola,” has never accepted this fact, and over the years has given Daniel foods and drinks containing dairy thinking that exposure will “cure” him with predictable results. This past weekend, she made a cake while Daniel and his cousins were at her house and told him it was lactose-free. It wasn’t, and my son ended up shitting his pants. I found him in the bathtub in tears when I picked him up. I am sick of Lola’s refusal to accept the reality of my son’s condition and want to impose a year-long timeout so she gets the message. Matt thinks this is excessive and that we just need to make sure Daniel doesn’t eat anything Lola would give him that could contain dairy. Fuck that! This woman has deliberately made our child ill on more than a dozen instances and I say NO MAS. I’m being reasonable here, right? —Dairy Distress Dear Dairy Distress, I’m with you. Lola should not be entrusted with Daniel’s care until he is old enough to ensure she isn’t feeding him food with lactose. Her misguided attempts at curing him have caused what may very well be a devastating canon event for your son; most kids aren’t having those kinds of accidents at his age. Thank goodness this happened among family (not that kids can’t be incredibly cruel to their relatives!) and hopefully everyone knows that it was Lola’s fault—if they don’t know, you should tell them. When your son is at a gathering where his grandmother is present, you must instruct him not to eat anything she offers him unless you (not his father; he’s not taking this seriously enough) explicitly give him permission after confirming that it is safe. You must also confront Lola and demand that she both apologize to Daniel and refrain from ever intentionally giving him food that could make him sick again. She must also agree to verify the safety of a dish before offering it to him. Be clear with her; she cannot babysit him for the foreseeable future, and if she continues to behave has she has when they are in a shared space, her access to him will be reduced even further. —Jamilah More Parenting Advice From Slate My 2-year-old son is very attached to me (his mother). I don’t see any problem with this, but some family members (and even my spouse/his dad) have encouraged me to be less accommodating of him to push him away. I could use an outside perspective. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids