I Happily Paid All of My Girlfriend’s Housing and Travel Costs for Two Years. Then I Learned Something Outrageous.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Oleksandr Sytnyk/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My girlfriend, “Lara,” and I have been together for three years and living together for two. She earns a modest wage in an admin job, and I make roughly triple her salary. We live in a condo that I bought before we met. As I make so much more than Lara and was comfortably paying for everything myself before she moved in, we agreed that I would continue paying all the housing expenses, and she would pitch in on utilities and groceries as she could. I also pay for all of our travel and dates. I’d say I cover roughly 85 percent of our total living expenses. This was all fine until recently. Long before we met, Lara was in a car accident and sustained serious injuries. She was only a few years out of law school and working as an attorney when it happened. Because her injuries were so serious, she was never able to return to work as an attorney. Her recovery was long and difficult and there was a lengthy court battle with the insurance company. They eventually settled out of court. It was a very traumatic time for her, and she understandably doesn’t like to talk about it. Then a few weeks ago, we were out for dinner with friends and one of them mentioned that she had finally received her insurance settlement for a car accident she was in several years prior. She received $100,000 and it was a relatively small collision. I realized that Lara had never told me how much her settlement was. I wondered about it early on in our relationship, but figured it wasn’t my business and forgot about it. That night I asked Lara if she would be comfortable telling me the amount of her settlement. Imagine my surprise when she revealed that she received several million dollars due to the severity of her injuries and her loss of future earnings as a lawyer. I asked her what she did with it, and she said she paid off her student loans, invested the rest, and receives a monthly income payment to supplement her salary while the principal investment grows. She wouldn’t tell me the exact amount she has now, but she said the increase alone since she invested has been in the seven figures. I felt completely shocked and betrayed. I have been supporting us almost entirely for the last two years under the assumption that I was making significantly more money than Lara. With her monthly investment income, she actually makes slightly more than I do. When I brought this up, she said that the settlement money is for expenses related to her injuries (medication, lifelong therapies and treatments, etc.) and for her retirement, and that she doesn’t consider it “income,” which is why she never brought it up. I would never want to touch the money she has earmarked for retirement, but her extra medical expenses are under $500 per month, and she is bringing in many times that amount. Lara said she thought it was fair to split expenses based on our salaries, and that the investment income doesn’t count. I think it does count, because she received the settlement to make up for the higher salary she would have earned as an attorney. I want Lara to be set up for retirement and wouldn’t dream of touching the principal, but I think it’s fair that she contribute more to our living expenses with the monthly investment payments she receives. Lara has agreed to revisit how we split expenses, but we can’t agree on how to do it. I would like her to pay for all of our housing and utilities for the next two years, and I will continue to split groceries and pay for our travel and dates, and after that we will split things 50/50. She only agreed to pay 50/50 going forward. I said I would only agree to that if she would pay me a one-time lump sum payment towards my retirement savings, in an agreed-upon amount, to partially make up for the retirement contributions I missed while I paid for everything the last two years (and, I’ll be honest, as a gesture of goodwill and commitment towards me and our relationship). Lara is open to the idea, but we aren’t sure how to calculate a fair amount. She would also like to be added to the title of my condo, which I think is fair, but we can’t agree on the percentage she would own. We are working on my feelings of betrayal in couples therapy, but what is the fair and equitable way to deal with our living expenses and condo ownership? —Poor Girlfriend, Rich Girlfriend Dear Poor Girlfriend, Rich Girlfriend, Before the two of you talk about mortgage titles and lump sum payments, you need to rebuild your foundation. Because you’ve both been operating from completely different ideas about what being in a relationship and sharing a life together actually means. If you’re going to merge your financial life—including your home!—in such a big way, you need a lot more financial transparency. That means open conversations about debt, income, and savings goals, but it also means regular check-ins about where you both stand financially. You should both be in agreement about what kind of information is shared and what your expectations are for the future. In other words, before you make any big decisions about how to move forward financially, you need to be on the same page about your expectations in the relationship. Once you’re on the same page emotionally, then you can talk logistics. If Lara thinks it’s fair to make things right by contributing to your retirement, that’s up to the two of you. Just don’t use money to bypass the emotional work of building a stronger relationship. I can’t give you an exact number or percentage of what you should both contribute, because every relationship uses different parameters for figuring that out (here’s a handy tool that can help, though). Ultimately, it’s up to the two of you to decide what feels equitable. But this should be a plan you build together. It should be transparent. And it should be flexible, because unforeseen issues will inevitably pop up. As for the condo, that’s a separate conversation. If you add her to the title, you’re making a legal commitment that should reflect the stability of your relationship, and you need to decide whether you’re ready for that. If you are, I would consult with a real estate attorney who can help draft an agreement that protects both of you. You’re already in couples therapy, which is great. Use it to process the betrayal—not just what is financially fair—because that’s the part that will make everything else harder. —Kristin Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. More Money Advice From Slate We need help figuring out how to equitably manage inheritances in a blended family. My two youngest children (former stepchildren, now adopted by me!) recently came into a very significant amount of money in the form of an inheritance from their maternal grandparents. Unfortunately, it’s not in a trust. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Personal Finance Real Estate