I Got Into a Terrible Accident That Ended in Tragedy. The Aftermath Has Become Strangely … Erotic.

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by GiovanniSeabra/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, A few months ago, I got into a serious automobile accident. It was a T-bone crash at high speed. I wasn’t terribly injured, but the other party was, and she died the next day from the collision injuries. She was also found at fault for the accident in the investigation. (She ran the light.) Her family was surprisingly understanding about it all, and I wound up going to the funeral. I heard a bit about her, paid what respects I could, and then looked her up online. I discovered she was an adult performer; I wouldn’t call her a “star” exactly, but I found about a dozen pornographic scenes she performed in. I’ve started masturbating to a rotation of them, fairly regularly. I’m not even sure why. But lately I’ve been wondering if this is ethical. I know I was officially absolved of responsibility in a legal sense, and my therapist has been trying to get me to let go of the guilt involved. But I’m not sure about the ethics of this. Is what I’m doing acceptable? —All Mixed Up Dear All Mixed Up, You’re fine. I’m not sure that the ethics of this situation are even debatable. The person whose work you have been masturbating to made that work with the knowledge that people might respond to it exactly in the way that you are. Her life wouldn’t have been affected whether you masturbated to her work or not; certainly, her death isn’t affected either. The easiest explanation, I think, is that you were exposed to this person’s work through circumstance, and it titillated you. She had her job for a reason. If there is something more there, like eroticizing this person because you were involved in a situation that led to her death, you’ll probably want to discuss that with your therapist. It might qualify as unhealthy coping, but it could be the opposite, too. Maybe this is a sign that you are letting go of the guilt. Think about it some more and do your best to figure out why this person has become an erotic fixation. The “I’m not even sure why” is an important part of your letter, and it’s for you to figure out. There are people who get squeamish when it comes to enjoying the work of performers who have died. It’s way too common for guys in gay porn to die young. I was just recently having a conversation about my inability to enjoy the work of Tim Kruger (founder and frequent performer for TimTales.com) after his untimely death in 2025. But I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to enjoy it. It is, after all, the mark he left on the world. This is how he and his legacy endure. Don’t feel bad for liking what you like, but do some more self-interrogation so you can help ensure that your reaction isn’t doing you a disservice. —Rich More Advice From Slate My husband and I have a fabulous sex life. I’m bisexual, and we have discussed having a threesome with another woman since we first started dating. This is something we’ve done previously with other partners, and we have zero issues with trust/consent or anything like that. We finally got the chance recently with a “unicorn” we were both super into and had been courting for well over a month… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Sex