I Found Out I Had Two Secret Siblings. Now I Have Advice for Anyone Facing the Same Discovery.

Dear Prudence Prudie replies to readers’ comments and suggestions. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Aug 21, 202610:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Svetlana Ievleva/Getty Images Plus, Vecticon/Getty Images Plus, and Valeriya_Dor/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday. Hey Prudie, Re: Gobsmacked: This happened in my family. Two of my cousins did 23&Me and, very long story short, it lead to me discovering I have an older brother AND an older sister. We all have different moms. We’re all in our 50s and 60s and there was no affair. This is before my dad married my mom. My older brother was a one-night stand scenario (his mom later married the man he grew up thinking was his bio dad). The other is unknown; my sister was adopted and the records have been destroyed. So in our scenario, it worked out OK. It’s weird for sure, but we are all friends! (Our shared father died a few years ago and had dementia before that, so we never really got any more info.) I’d say if the letter writer does decide to move forward, tell your mother in private (and only your mom) what what you learned. Despite knowing the name of your bio dad, you have no idea how your mom got pregnant by him. Honestly, “affair” is better than some alternatives. I’d tread honestly but carefully and be prepared that the truth might not be something you want to hear. —VeggiePup Ugh, that’s a good (and dark) point. And I agree. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of being prepared for all the ways this could play out. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Hey Prudie, Hey Prudie, Re: Not Caleb’s Keeper. My 20-year-old son died an accidental death one year ago. To say that the grief I’m carrying is awful is an enormous understatement. I also know that I do not have to carry the additional weight of guilt along with my grief. Through the last year I have become connected with other bereaved moms through support groups as well as women just befriending me because we have the misfortune of being members of this awful club of having a dead adult child. I would like to offer the letter writer a way to flip the script. Instead of “what if,” it’s “even if.” So when her mother decides to continue to offload her own parenting responsibilities to her even after Caleb’s tragic death, she can counter, “Even if I had taken responsibility for Caleb, he still could have died that day.” I agree with you that therapy will be helpful for her. For me personally, I feel one of the benefits has been being given language to help me process and understand the enormity of the emotions I am feeling or the things I am doing to help me endure. I would encourage her to find a therapist who is trained in grief specifically. It’s not so much that I think she needs support for her grief. I think that kind of therapist would be better equipped to support her since grief is at the centre of her mother’s unkind behavior. —Grief Isn’t an Excuse I really like the line you suggested. And your point about grief. It’s worth mentioning that she might also have some grief about the way her mother has reacted to Caleb’s death and how it’s changed their relationship. Hey Prudie, Re: Daughter of a Size 6: I can commiserate, having spent many pre-internet hours shopping for teen-acceptable footwear for my extra wide feet, usually unsuccessfully. I was often the subject of teasing for what I could find that we could afford.It won’t cure the entire problem, but you might try a little third party, objective evidence. Find a store that does computerized shoe fitting. You’ll stand on a pad and in a few moments get a print out of the details. Give mom a copy with the sizes circled in red and take another with you when you go shopping with her. Also use it as a tool to help her improve her internet shopping skills. If the style issues persist, you can find limitless articles by orthopedists and podiatrists explaining the downsides of heels. —They Called Me “Clown Shoes” This is excellent practical advice. I think it could help a lot. I also think people are rarely as stubborn and pushy as the mom about just one issue, so even if the letter writer gets her to buy better shoes, she’ll probably move on to buying her the wrong kind of bra or something. But I hope I’m wrong! Hey Prudie, Re: Ghosted by a Friend. As the friend who has disappeared, it was definitely something more serious for me. I felt deep shame over my behavior and my struggles. I wasn’t going to tell anyone because I knew no one would really understand why I couldn’t just go out for a meal together. If I had the courage to reach out after a year of being gone and received the reply you suggest, shaming me for disappearing, I would disappear forever. It would reinforce my belief that no one, not even a really good friend, understands or cares about my struggles. The comments I’ve read confirm that belief. The friend is still likely in pain (if that’s the real problem)but is emerging from the fog enough to want to reconnect to the world. You can choose to believe her if she says reaching out was too hard, or you can care about her and protect yourself by saying thanks for reaching out but I’m not able to forgive you. If she’s really struggling, she’s going to need a person in her corner. Only you know if you’re strong enough to be that person (most people aren’t). —Soft-Oboe-84987 I had to go back and read my suggested response after reading your letter because where was the shaming?? I still don’t see it. I thought it was very gentle and empathetic while still allowing the letter writer (who also has feelings!) to be honest about how she experienced the ghosting year. That said, your words have some weight since you’ve been in a similar situation, and if it felt harsh to you maybe it would also make the recipient want to disappear forever. Noted! Hey Prudie, Re: School Fight. What’s the letter writer’s daughter actually like? My parents moved to a “good district” for both of us to attend school, but realistically, I would have been much better served if we’d stayed put, and I’d gone to one of our former city’s magnet schools, with fewer social distractions around materialism, and my sister would have been much better served in a district that was less focused on separating kids into “honors students” and “losers.” By prioritizing a “good school,” they just found a school that didn’t fit either of us. —Princess Toadstool Great question. There are so many factors other than academic rigor that determine how a kid fares in school, and there are so many things other than grades and achievement to consider. Advice Dear Prudence Family