I forgave my wife’s year-long affair – but she’s betrayed me AGAIN and I don’t know if I can trust her

DEAR DEIDRE: I FORGAVE my wife after she had an affair but now she’s betrayed me all over again. It turns out that while we were getting back together, she was still messaging the man who broke our marriage apart. I don’t know where we go from here. We’re both in our late thirties, have been married for 12 years and have three children. I thought we were happily married, so was devastated to discover that she’d been having a year-long affair. Sign up for the Dear Deidre newsletter Thank you! We separated eight months ago. The first few months were very painful, with lots of arguments and tearful conversations but at least I was able to see the kids whenever I wanted to. Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm. In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team. If you’re on the The Sun app, click here. If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial Then, last month, we went on a family holiday that had been booked and paid for before we split up. We didn’t want to upset the children by cancelling. I expected it to be awkward and difficult, but something strange happened — we actually had an amazing time together. While we were there, it felt like old times. And when we got home, my wife said she wanted us to try again. She told me that the holiday made her realise what she’d lost. I was over the moon. We started seeing each other more and talking about everything. We even slept together once, and it was amazing to feel close to her. The sex was as good as it was when we first met, intense and passionate. Then I found out she’d been in contact with the man she’d cheated with while we were working on our relationship. He’s the one who told me about it. She’d even asked to meet him but he turned her down because he’s now with someone else. She has apologised repeatedly and said she didn’t want anything to happen with him, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I love her, but how can I trust her after this? DEIDRE SAYS: Your wife broke your heart and then betrayed you a second time. Apologies aren’t enough. It’s clear that you still love each other, but it takes a lot more than love to rebuild trust after an affair. For a reconciliation to work, she needs to be completely honest with you and show she’s committed to your marriage. And you both need to work on whatever was making her unhappy enough to cheat so it doesn’t happen again. It would be a good idea to try couples counselling. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, explains more. TOO SCARED TO TELL HER I WANT TO TRANSITION DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my girlfriend accused me of seeing another woman, she was half right. The truth is, I am that other woman. I’ve realised I’m trans and want to transition. I’m 39 and my girlfriend is 37. She’s convinced I’ve got a secret lover because I’ve become distant and spend a lot of time locked in the bathroom. But I’m not talking to other women, as she believes. I’m watching transition videos and putting on women’s clothes. I’ve felt more like a woman than a man since I was a teenager, but I never had the guts to be myself until now. My girlfriend and I have been together for five years and I love her but I don’t know how to tell her the truth. I’m terrified that she’ll reject me. I don’t want us to break up but I need to be fully myself. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: You’re not cheating, but your secrecy is making your girlfriend feel very insecure. It’s not fair to let her continue believing there’s another woman. As hard as it is, you need to be honest with her about your identity because these feelings won’t disappear. I can’t promise your relationship will survive but without honesty, you’ll both continue to be unhappy. Telling her allows her to support you – if not as a lover, then as a friend. And she may accept your decision and want to be with you regardless. Before you speak to her, contact beaumontsociety.org (01582 412220) or switchboard.lgbt (08000 119 100). I WISH MY EX WOULD LET ME MOVE ON DEAR DEIDRE: ONE minute, my ex is telling me our relationship is over, the next he’s saying he still loves me and misses me. I’m so confused and don’t know what to do. I’m 42 and he’s 45. We split after he cheated on me with the woman he’s now with, yet he won’t let me go. He messages regularly and I enjoy chatting to him. But last night, when we were making each other laugh, he suddenly admitted he still has feelings for me. He doesn’t seem to want us to get back together, though. He acts like he wants us to have a fling while staying with the woman he left me for. I do still love him, but I don’t want to be the other woman in a relationship. DEIDRE SAYS: He may be sending mixed messages, but his actions speak louder than words. He misses the intimacy you shared, but he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship. Yet he doesn’t want to let you go either. What you describe is a classic push-pull dynamic. He rejects you, then pulls you back with loving words. It’s also called bread-crumbing – giving you just enough attention to keep you emotionally hooked. The only way to break this cycle is to tell him it’s over and you want no contact. You deserve someone who wants to be with you full-time. My support pack, called Addictive Love, should help you get past this. STILL RILED BY FLAKEY COUSIN DEAR DEIDRE: MY cousin ignored me when I needed her the most but now she expects me to be her best friend. I feel bitter towards her and don’t know how to let go of my feelings. I’m 49 and she’s 51. More than 20 years ago, I was really struggling with drink and drugs. My aunt – her mum – took me in and asked my cousin to help me settle, but she always made me feel like an embarrassment. She’d head off for nights out, knowing I couldn’t afford to join her. I felt like a poor relation. But then I turned my life around, found a good job, got married and had kids. Through all those milestones, she was barely around and after her mum died, we lost touch completely. But she suddenly contacted me last year, asking to meet up because now she’s the one with a drink problem and sad, miserable life. She calls constantly and keeps asking to see me. When we meet up, I usually end up paying the bill while she complains about everything. My husband says it’s karma and I should now be the bigger person. I am trying, but every time she leans on me, I remember how lonely I felt when she turned her back on me. How do I get past this? DEIDRE SAYS: You’re carrying years of hurt that you’ve never really addressed or got over. Now your cousin needs you, those feelings have – unsurprisingly – risen to the surface. Your partner is right that holding on to bitterness is unhealthy. But it isn’t easy to brush away your feelings. If this carries on, you’re likely to say something you regret. You can be kind while also setting boundaries so take a step back and reduce contact to a level you can manage. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to do this. Comment now