I Finally Learned How to Do Something Very Exciting in Bed. It Feels Like a Luxury I Need to Earn.

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Ridofranz/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I’m a cis queer woman, and I didn’t discover how to masturbate until I was 20. I wasn’t uninterested; I just didn’t really know enough about my body, and maybe some compulsory heterosexuality came into play. Once I did, it was—as you can imagine—very exciting, and I happily masturbated regularly, with the logic that I was making up for lost time. I like to do it once a day for stress relief, but sometimes I forget or am too tired, and throw in an extra session or two on the weekends. But as time’s gone on, I’ve started to feel more guilty about it. (Yes, I was raised Catholic.) Not so much feeling dirty or anything like that, more like this is a luxury that I somehow don’t deserve, or I’m overspending on. I struggle to reward myself in other areas of my life as well. Sometimes I worry that I’m doing it too much, even if I know logically seven times a week is no big deal. Do you have any advice on how to be more relaxed about something that is ultimately self-care? —Chill Out Dear Chill Out, Congratulations on getting to know your body in this way, and exploring what brings you pleasure. I’ve got a hunch that some ideas of needing to justify and earn enjoyment are at play here, and when I reached out to Erica Smith, sex educator and author of The Purity Culture Recovery Guide, she concurred. I often caution my clients that enjoying their sexuality after purity culture doesn’t mean creating a new standard that doesn’t feel natural to them, that they struggle to meet. In this case, that might be the attempt to masturbate every day. Doing it only when you want to, when it occurs to you, is the right amount. You don’t need to do it daily to be a sexually healthy or liberated person. Seven times a week is absolutely no big deal if that’s how much you want to masturbate, but you don’t have to force it! I’ll add that once a week or even less would be perfectly fine, too, and that it’s both typical and functional for sexual desire to wax and wane in response to hormone shifts, energy levels, and life pressures. I’m curious what the rest of your schedule looks like, and whether you allow yourself unscheduled time to rest, do whatever you feel like in the moment, or do nothing at all. You reference Catholic guilt. The cultural trope often refers to sexuality or fears of having caused someone harm, but the actual effect can be far more wide-reaching. In the same way that we might go through messages we received about sex, and ask ourselves whether we agree with them and to what extent, it may be fruitful to consider what you learned about productivity, joy, and relaxation, and consider those ideas from the perspective you now hold. Smith continued: Masturbation isn’t a luxury and doesn’t even need to be thought of as self-care, it’s just something you are completely entitled to enjoy when you want to! [You don’t] need to “make up for lost time,” but rather enjoy [yourself] now in the present! I work with a lot of people who struggle to enjoy pleasure. (One of my clients said, “My pastor said that anything that feels good is probably a sin.”) For these people, I remind them that pleasure is such an important part of being alive. Sometimes it’s helpful for them to start noticing the little pleasures they enjoy in life that aren’t necessarily sexual. How about that delicious treat or beautiful sunset, or the feel of a soft fabric? Getting attuned to the small pleasures that we enjoy every day can begin to translate into comfort with sexual pleasure. It’s OK to feel good, simply because you have the capacity to do so. On the off chance that you’re spending more money on implements, devices, or media than your budget comfortably allows for, that’s a different subject—and less a case of overly treating yourself than one of needing to conserve limited resources. In that scenario, the move would be to focus on making the most of what you already have, and put more emphasis on your own hands and imagination when you want something new or different. Erica’s book may serve as a useful guide. If you go that route, try reading a little bit, here and there, as you feel like it, and putting the book down when you want, too. —Jessica More Advice From Slate I’m a straight woman in my 30s, and while I’m capable of orgasm alone, I have never managed it with someone else there, until recently. Yesterday my boyfriend pounced on me for impromptu sex when I really had to pee. I was so into it that I figured I’d hold it and pee afterward. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Sex