I Finally Called My Daughter Out on Her Troubling Pattern With Money. Now She Won’t Speak to Me.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, I am 70 years old and have a daughter in her 40s. She has asked me for money for at least 15 years. Sometimes she pays it back. Sometimes she doesn’t. I am retired on a fixed income. I have enough for my needs and sometimes hers. I have always helped her, and she always promises to pay me back, but she doesn’t always follow through. After requesting more money, I told her I was concerned about the amount she has borrowed. She got angry and isn’t speaking to me. What am I to do? —Not a Bank Dear Not a Bank, Your daughter is angry because she is being held accountable for her lack of money management. As her mom, you’re doing it out of a place of love, even if she doesn’t see it. One day you will be gone, and then what will she do? I acknowledge we all have different circumstances that affect our finances, but she’s in her 40s. She needs to get it together and stop living off of her mother, who survives on a fixed income. As much as it may hurt that she’s not speaking to you, do not lend her any more money. If she reaches back out, do not bring up the subject. If she brings it up, let her know that you are done lending her cash, and that she needs to figure her finances out on her own. You know in your heart that you’ve taken care of her, now it’s time she takes care of you by honoring your bank account. —Athena Valentine From: I Somehow Ended Up Footing The Bill For My Friend’s Entire Vacation. (March 10th, 2023). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, My young adult son (24) is struggling. He moved four years ago to an expensive metropolitan area with an externship in culinary. Because he didn’t have any credit or job history, I co-signed his apartment lease. He continued with his restaurant group after his externship. Then he was laid off, started with a new restaurant, and was laid off again. He found another job and was laid off again. I’ve helped him with rent and other expenses during his unemployed times. However, I’m tired of the financial stress. I know he is tired of it also, but he’s not willing to take any type of job that’s not exactly what he wants to do. He’s frustrated and depressed and I absolutely understand. Yet I can’t continue to pay his rent along with all my bills. My husband and I came up with an option for him to move back to our state, which is much less expensive, and we’d still be able to help him. He doesn’t want to move. I’ve told him that next month’s rent is the last month I can pay. Why is it so hard to set financial boundaries knowing the train wreck that is going to come? And when I stop paying his rent and he gets evicted, how badly will that impact my credit? —Worried Mom Dear Worried Mom, Of course, setting financial boundaries hurts. You love your son and want him to succeed. But this boundary is more complex than simply cutting him off because it will hurt you just as much as it will hurt him. I often recommend that people stop offering financial assistance to family members for a multitude of reasons. But because you’ve co-signed the lease, setting this boundary won’t protect your wallet but instead bounce back on you twofold. You’re not simply “helping” out your son with rent. The rental contract binds you both equally. That means you share the responsibility for figuring out how to exit the lease without both of you getting an eviction on your record (something that will sorely hurt your son’s chances of getting housing without a co-signer in the future, possibly perpetuating this cycle). The landlord can file a lawsuit against you for unpaid rent (including, depending on the jurisdiction, putting a lien on your property) and drag your name into eviction court proceedings. You should have a copy of the lease you co-signed (you are entitled to it as a co-signer). If the lease break fee isn’t exorbitant, pay it to save yourself the credit hit and headache of an eviction and tell your son he’s due to move out. You can also tell your son to research COVID-related rental assistance or unemployment insurance he might qualify for as a hospitality worker. Your son doesn’t have to move back home with you, but he will have to either pay for the apartment or move to a place he can afford without a co-signer. He needs to understand that his financial decisions have consequences for other people. You can’t simply cut off the financial tap to teach him a lesson—he needs to see the real hardship that unpaid rent causes for his family. Involve him in finding a way out of the apartment he can’t afford—lease break fees, rental assistance, talking with the landlord, or getting a roommate. This way, your son will see how people problem-solve when they can’t afford rent, instead of relying on deposits from the Bank of Parent. —Lillian Karabaic From: I Think I Need To Let My Son Get Evicted. (March 13th, 2023). Dear Pay Dirt, When I graduated college, I was gifted a large sum of money as a graduation present to help pay off my loans. My parents (who are missionaries and also recently inherited a lot of cash) offered to match this gift to help me out. But when Biden’s plan for student loan forgiveness got announced, my parents asked/demanded the money for their ministry (which has no issue fundraising). They said that I should manage and pay off the rest of my loans to learn “financial responsibility,” even though I am otherwise almost entirely financially independent. I tried to object, but my entire family said I was being selfish and acted disgusted that I would want some control over my own finances, so I gave in. But now that it seems like student loans will not be forgiven, I want the money back. Am I incredibly selfish? What do I do? —Morally Confused Dear Morally Confused, You’re certainly not selfish for wanting control over your finances or wanting to pay off your student loans. But it sounds like your parents did not give that gift freely and instead actually wanted it routed toward their ministry. If student loan forgiveness gets overturned by the Supreme Court, you could request the gift back, but it doesn’t sound like it was ever much of a “gift”—just a way to guilt you into donating more to your parents’ ministry. Asking for your donation back will not give you peace with your family, only a fresh round of being called “selfish.” You might be better off paying the last bit of your student loans without their assistance. If you want independent control over your finances, you will have to refuse money from your parents with attached strings and guilt. —L.K. From: My Parents Gave Me A Lot Of Money. Then They Wanted Me To Give It Back. (March 13th, 2023). More Money Advice From Slate My niece graduated this spring from college and as a gift, I gave her a large lump sum after I sold some property. Apparently, word got back to my sister-in-law, and now she thinks I will give similar gifts to her children. 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