I don’t want a relationship but when I drink I trawl massage parlours and pay for sex – it’s rinsing my bank account

DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER a few drinks at the weekends, I trawl massage parlours asking if they offer “happy endings”. It’s rinsing my bank account. I’m single so I’m not hurting anyone and, the truth is, I don’t want a relationship but I love sex. I’ve had relationships with women before, but as soon as things develop from casual dating to hints about marriage and kids, I clam up. My parents have admitted they never wanted children. Sign up for the Dear Deidre newsletter Thank you! I was a “surprise pregnancy” for my mum at 43. My childhood was awful, with my parents yelling at one another, or me. Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm. In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team. If you’re on the The Sun app, click here. If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial They were always trying to get rid of me. I saw how other kids’ families were and mine just wasn’t the same. I taught myself to be independent and I couldn’t wait to leave home. Mum and Dad were delighted when I moved out, having set up my own successful business. Although I’m financially stable, I don’t want a wife or partner. I go out most Friday and Saturday nights. I’m 32 and my mates are now starting to settle down. One evening when no one was free, I looked for escort services and I hooked up with a lovely woman of 35. It cost me dinner and the agency fee and then I paid her privately for sex. No strings. It felt great. Now I pay for sex whenever I can. Last weekend I was in London for a mate’s stag do. After getting separated from the group, I got a cab to an area that is known for its massage parlours to get my fix. The thing is, I wouldn’t dream of doing this when I’m sober, but when I’m drinking, having sex is all I can think about. DEIDRE SAYS: Your deeply unhappy childhood tainted your view of loving families, making it hard to imagine a kind relationship. You run when people get close, fearing abandonment. But with help, you can change and allow people in. If a partner wants to rush you into marriage, they are perhaps not right for you, but if you are both on the same page and go at your pace, you can find peace and fulfilment. Watch for triggers that change your behaviour. Cut down on your drinking because your impulsive need for sex only stands to leave you empty and lonely. My support pack, Addicted To Sex, explains more and will show you where to find emotional support. PARENTS WILL FLIP OVER HER DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my parents meet my new girlfriend, they might go into meltdown. She’s ten years older than me with a son of eight. I’m 26 and my parents don’t agree with sex before marriage, never mind dating somebody who has a child. I don’t imagine they’re ready to be grandparents just yet. But my girlfriend is the love of my life. We met at work and there was an instant connection. She’s kind and loving and our sex life is great. She wants me to move in with her and her son. His father did a runner as soon as she announced she was pregnant and I’m her first long-term relationship. We’ve been seeing one another for eight months. My parents’ 30th wedding anniversary is coming up and they are having a small family party at home. I would love to take my girlfriend and her son along, but they may blow a fuse. DEIDRE SAYS: Talk to them before the party to help damage limitation. Explain you’ve found somebody really special, who makes you happy. Soften their mood, saying their relationship is your benchmark, you would love their blessing and for them to meet your girlfriend and her son. Children have a way of lightening the atmosphere so perhaps they’ll not react as you think, but if they do, the important people here are you and your girlfriend. My support pack, Age-Gaps – Do They Matter?, will ensure you are forearmed to bat away any negative questions. I NEED TO ESCAPE MY NASTY MUM DEAR DEIDRE: I DON’T know why I bother with my mother. She’s a nasty, bad-tempered control freak. She used to be abusive. She would shout and scream and hit me. We had a little flat and she’d bring men back and have sex with them when I was sleeping in the same bed. My upbringing was so awful that I left home at 16 for a job that provided accommodation and I didn’t speak to Mum for five years. She’s 43 now and I’m a 25-year-old woman. We resumed contact after my Nan died – but I told Mum that we couldn’t go back to how it was and that if she started shouting, I’d be off. She agreed. But now, if she doesn’t get her own way about something, she bursts into tears and I’m guilt-tripped into giving in to her. I would happily walk away again but she doesn’t have anyone else. DEIDRE SAYS: You’re on that emotional rollercoaster of hope that she’ll change, then disappointed when she doesn’t. She’s damaged, my guess is from her own unhappy childhood. When she starts on you, you are transported back to being that scared little girl. Keep your contact with her to a minimum, only ensuring she has what she needs. Encourage her to talk to her doctor about finding some therapy. Show her my support pack How Counselling Can Help. TEEN DAUGHTER IS A NIGHTMARE DEAR DEIDRE: IF my daughter doesn’t clean up her act next school term, I am scared she will end up in a young offenders’ institution. She’s 14 and she’s in with a bad crowd. That said, she has always been a nightmare, even as a young child. I’m her mum and I’m 36. Her dad was violent but I got rid of him when she was 18 months old, so I don’t think this is learned behaviour. I am a fairly strict parent. I have boundaries but I can be flexible and I’m always fair. Her brother is 17 and has never been any bother. Sometimes I have to send her to my mother’s so we can have a break from one another. I can’t control her. She will kick and punch me and she smashes up my possessions. She realises that she has anger issues but there’s often no ­warning. The slightest thing can see her go into melt-down. She is already at a school for kids that have behavioural issues. Can you help? DEIDRE SAYS: I hope so. Her anger issues may have come from childhood even though you thought she was too young. Even babies can pick up tension between parents. She sounds very unhappy and unstable and, although she tests you, she needs to know you will not give up on her. Her friendship groups may not be helping but have you considered that she might be neurodiverse? Sensory overload can often cause lashing out, sometimes due to autism or ADHD. Her school may be able to assist with testing. She’s at an age where she may be able to explain why she gets upset. Gently talk to her about why she’s unhappy. Does she feel that she doesn’t fit in, for instance? You can find support via the National Autistic Society (autism.org.uk) and Young Minds (youngminds.org.uk, 0808 802 5544). My support pack Troubled Teenagers shows alternative sources of help.