‘I don’t get on with my husband’s sisters, and it’s affecting our marriage’

QuestionIt may sound like a common complaint when I say I’m having problems with my in-laws, but I am feeling very cornered in the situation I find myself. And, to me, it’s unique and something my friends do not seem to understand.I’m a woman and grew up as an only child. I’m married to a man with four sisters. He is the youngest of five children and has been doted on by all of them since he was born. When I first met him, I was charmed by the whole situation of a big family and so much love around.However, as our relationship progressed and then led to marriage, the trouble began – particularly with one of his sisters. I can’t describe all the details in this letter but, short form, I quickly began to feel that every meet-up with his family was cast as some form of audition where I was to prove myself on some level, which left me exhausted and down after each meeting. He constantly reassured me they were well-meaning towards me, but my gut felt very different, to the point I started to feel unsupported and not at all understood.Things started to deteriorate from there.READ MOREI excused myself from a number of his family occasions but, at one get-together, his sister described me as mean and selfish to my face. I left at that point.The tension between myself and my husband has continued to grow since our wedding. It’s affected us so much that we have put on hold our plans to start a family, as I feel this has to be sorted before we can take that step.I can’t see a way forward for us at the moment, as every discussion ends with him feeling hurt and, in my opinion, taking his sisters’ side. AnswerWhen we get together in close relationships, our families of origin and their patterns and traditions begin to surface in ways that can be challenging. This is why being in a committed relationship is a developmental challenge: the love we feel can stretch us out of our comfort zone into acknowledgment and acceptance of our loved one’s habits and foibles.This is particularly challenging in your situation where an only child joins with a large family setting and all the learned attachments come under scrutiny. So, when you withdraw from the exhaustion of dealing with your partner’s family, they can read that as rejection and accuse you of selfishness. In their world, battling for position and attention is probably the accepted norm whereas, in yours, attention might always have been given as a right.Both you and your in-laws might be misinterpreting the situation and then acting on those misinterpretations. The danger here is that your husband might end up in a situation where he is forced to choose between his adoring family and his chosen life partner. This should be avoided as there is a long way to go to achieve mutual understanding and compassion before such a crisis is reached.[ I absolutely dread going to my husband’s parents’ home for ChristmasOpens in new window ]What you both bring to your relationship is unique and valuable, but it will require each of you to really step into the other person’s shoes so that you know fully where the other person is coming from.At this stage, it is unlikely you and your partner will work this out on your own, so contact a couple’s psychotherapist who will help you to negotiate this difficult terrain. It might be good to let your partner’s family know you are both committed to seeking help and ask for their support in this. Your husband’s family want what is best for him and they are likely to want to be part of the support system. This will require that you trust them enough (in their love for him) to speak honestly of your desire to make this marriage and larger family work, for the benefit of all. As this statement is true, it should garner a supportive response and then you and your husband can engage with your therapist with the backup of your wider support system.The reason we get married in front of our communities is so they become part of the support needed when times get tough. If you and your husband are willing to get into the trenches now, and work out the family-of-origin struggles, you will emerge not only stronger, but wiser and closer as a result. Silence and withdrawal will feed into what your husband’s family interpret as uninterest and criticism and they cannot know it is a survival tactic for you, unless you find some way of telling them.This is what therapy will help you with so that you are not alone and you as a couple can develop new lines of communication and understanding.To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com