I Discovered a Secret That Broke Up My Sister’s “Perfect” Relationship. Turns Out I’m Not So Good a Detective.

Dear Prudence Prudie chats with Lizzie O’Leary, host of What Next: TBD, about a sibling with some bad intel. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here. Dear Prudence, My sister was dating Dave and everyone was convinced he was perfect for her—she even confessed to me that she was pretty sure he was “the one.” Everything seemed to be going great … until I found Dave’s profile on Grindr. I showed it to my sister and she broke things off with Dave. This was six months ago. Well, I ran into Dave recently and he was with someone who could have been his identical twin. He introduced me to his cousin Trevor. When I met Trevor, I felt a pit in my stomach, but I wasn’t sure why. For about a week after meeting Trevor, I was troubled by a nagging feeling. Deep down, I knew what was bothering me, but it took a while to admit it: I started worrying that the Grindr profile had actually been Trevor’s all along. But I told myself, it couldn’t have been, because Dave would’ve pointed out that the pictures were of Trevor, right? Finally, I asked my sister whether she had shown Dave the Grindr profile when she dumped him, and she told me that she didn’t give Dave the reason she was dumping him—meaning he never had the opportunity to defend himself. I was shocked and asked her why she would dump him without giving a reason. She said that she didn’t want to seem homophobic. At that point, I became 99 percent sure that the profile had actually been Trevor’s and not Dave’s. Meaning she dumped him under false pretenses. I feel awful, but at this point my sister has moved on and has a new boyfriend, Jack. They seem happy. Should I say something, or just let it go? —Relationship Ruiner Jenée Desmond-Harris: For the record, you are allowed to be upset that your monogamous significant other is on a dating app and the intended audience for the app doesn’t make you homophobic! Lizzie O’Leary: Oh wow, I am making Kombucha lady faces over here as I read this letter! Ok, let’s try to game this out. First, you don’t know that it was Trevor’s profile. I mean, maybe! But it also could have been Dave’s! I think that my first reaction is that you could ask your sister something along the lines of “hey, uh, something happened that made me realize I might have been wrong about Dave. Do you want to know?” I think??? I really could go many ways here but that is my first impulse. Jenée: My first thought was that maybe this was God or The Universe and the sister and Jack were meant to be and this is what it took to get them together. I found myself saying “maybe it was meant to be,” based on the idea that if the sister was so willing to break up without investigating further (which unfortunately I have to admit is probably what I would have recommended if I’m honest, since there’s no good explanation for being on a dating site when you’re in a committed relationship … but stay with me) and Dave was willing to accept it without fighting for her or pushing for a reason (which, again, ugh, is probably what I would tell someone to do) maybe neither of them were that into the relationship and it’s OK that it’s over. But that’s like some kind of weird rom-com plot and will also fall apart if the sister ends up breaking up with Jack. So yeah, I think “Do you want to know?” is a great way to introduce this. If the sister says “Not really, I don’t want to think about the past and I’m completely over it” then the problem is solved! Lizzie: One of my favorite things about doing these chats with you is that while you are one of my favorite people at Slate, our minds work in such opposite ways! I feel like between us, we usually can stumble to a good place, while I am always knocking over the metaphorical furniture and you are creating thoughtful and considered strategies. I think the weird rom-com girl deep in my heart just wants to make sure that if this was all a giant misunderstanding, everyone has the info they need. But again, I may have watched too many movies. Jenée: Me: “Do mental gymnastics to find meaning and erase any possible conflict.” You: “MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT” lol. But really, you have the right approach here because imagine how this could play out: If our letter writer keeps the secret, and then years later it’s somehow revealed that they knew this and didn’t reveal it, the sister would be pissed. Nobody ever wants to hear your justification for not sharing information that you could have shared. Lizzie: One point for team disclosure! (but, you know, gently.) Jenée: I feel like Dave should be telling people on the second date that he has a twin cousin who is on the apps. But I’m not so pro-disclosure that I think the letter writer should tell him what happened. Maybe he’ll get “caught” again and find out what’s going on. Advice Dear Prudence