I Didn’t Want the Responsibility of a Big Job. I Have It Anyway, Without One Key Perk.

Good Job Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by PeopleImages/Getty Images Plus. Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Good Job, I work in administration at a non-profit. I am very good at my job. My boss, who I loved, resigned last year. She encouraged me to apply for her job, and I did consider it, but I have two young children and right now the level of responsibility of that job is not something I want to take on. Maybe one day, but not now. So I didn’t apply for the job and felt good about this decision—at first. But the replacement they’ve hired is totally wrong for the job. He has never managed people before. He has not worked in our particular field. I honestly don’t understand how he was hired. He is leaning on me heavily to do his job. I’m so frustrated because I feel like I’m practically doing this job while he gets the paycheck. I spend hours each day explaining things about our work to him directly or preparing briefs and reports to help him understand things that he should know. I’m sure he doesn’t understand how much energy and time this takes. He asks questions like he’s just asking some thing easy, but it never, never is. I’m so demoralized I’ve been thinking of leaving, which is terrible, because I loved this job before! Help! —I’m Doing My Boss’s Job Dear Boss’s Job, Sigh. You were trying to make the decision that was right for you and your family, and instead, it seems like you’ve gotten the worst of both worlds: You don’t have the title or pay bump of being the boss, but you’re stuck doing the boss’s work. I was struck by one thing you wrote in your letter, though: “I’m sure he doesn’t understand how much energy and time this takes.” He almost certainly does not, and I think it’s worth starting to keep track of how much energy and time all of this is taking you. So for the next couple of weeks, keep track of what you’re doing and how long it takes. This isn’t intended to be a “gotcha”—it’s really to show him and yourself how much time you’re spending on tasks that are not your job. Then you need to have a frank, direct conversation with him. You can say something like, “I just want to flag that I’ve been putting in a lot of time bringing you up to speed on the job, and I’m of course happy to help, but I do want to discuss whether this is sustainable and if some of it can be reassigned or formalized.” Let’s see how he responds to this—if he’s defensive and nothing changes, then I think it’s time for you to raise this with whomever is a level above him and possibly HR. I know it can seem scary to have these kinds of conversations! But what’s happening now isn’t sustainable or fair, and you owe it to yourself to change the situation. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Good Job, I am going through a very hard time personally. My mother has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. It could be a year, it could be six months. She is now living with me. I also have a toddler with complex medical needs, and my marriage is falling apart. I cannot a remember a time in my life when I have been more stressed. I have a full-time, fully remote job, and I am doing horribly at it. I’d say I was keeping it together until the past two months. I have check-ins with my boss every week, and every week I have to grovel about being behind on my work. I feel horrible and am constantly on the verge of quitting to put myself out of misery. But of course I cannot do that, because I need the money, and my husband, myself, and my son get health insurance through my job. My boss knows what is going on with my mom, and knows about my child. They don’t know about my marriage. I think they’re sympathetic, but they’re also putting the company first obviously and have said we need to focus on that. I am just so sick of hearing myself make excuses, but I really don’t have anything else to give. How can I handle this? —Overwhelmed Dear Overwhelmed, Any one of the things you’re dealing with would be a lot, but you are currently dealing with a triple whammy of awfulness, and I’m so sorry. But this feels like exactly what FMLA (the Family and Medical Leave Act) is for. You can take up to 12 weeks of job-protected unpaid leave in any 12-month period, and one of the qualifying reasons for taking leave is “to care for the employee’s spouse, child, or parent who has a serious health condition.” You have both a parent AND a child with serious health conditions, so I would say that you doubly qualify. I would start by having a conversation with your boss where you tell them that you need to take some time away from work to deal with your mother and your child’s health, and think about how much time you would need to take at once (you don’t have to take all 12 weeks together; you can spread them out). I know it may be stressful to take unpaid leave, but I worry that if you continue on your current trajectory, that you’ll be out of a job altogether—so it seems like it’s a better option to be up front about what you can handle and take some time away. And this isn’t really work-related, but if you’re not already in therapy, I would really urge you to find a therapist who can help you navigate all of this—your mom and kid’s needs, your marriage, and what’s going on at work. It’s way too much for you to be dealing with on your own. —Doree Classic Prudie It sounds like a bad joke, but my cheating husband stepped into the street, got hit by a semi, and died. Instead of going through a difficult divorce, I have inherited all his assets and am a very wealthy woman. I have no idea how to deal with any of this. I held a memorial and didn’t stay long. I felt like a fraud. Friends told me that his mistress showed up in tears. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Workplace Jobs