I cried over a cushion and I’m at war with the dishwasher because of my medical condition… it affects millions of women

STORMING down the lane with my dog Pippa, I breathe deeply to try to ensure the rage bubbling inside won’t boil over. I’ve left the house so I don’t take out my anger on my family because I know I’m the one acting irrationally – but I just can’t help it. Esther Shaw says a medical condition has left her overreacting to things with anger and tears Credit: Roy Riley – Commissioned by The Sun Esther, pictured with her husband Rob and children, says she knows she’s acting irrationally Credit: supplied The cause of my intense irritation? A blob of ketchup on a sofa cushion. The day before I blew up about crumbs on the kitchen worktop. And I can guarantee that something as trivial as smeary fingerprints on the fridge will trigger an extreme reaction too. Sometimes it’s anger, sometimes it’s tears. Two weeks ago, I lay in bed crying because someone dared to sit on the cushions that I’d just fluffed up in the lounge, and I felt overwhelmed by all the household clutter. However, I’m not trapped in a marriage with a manchild of a husband or the doormat mum of two ungrateful kids. My family can be messy, but no more than the average person. Esther’s latest nemesis is her dishwasher, which sometimes leaves bits of food on plates Credit: Roy Riley – Commissioned by The Sun Esther, pictured with dog Pippa, describes bubbling with rage after leaving the house in anger Credit: Supplied This reaction is an overreaction, triggered by the wildly changing hormones I’ve experienced since hitting perimenopause about a year ago. Up to 70 per cent of women battle feelings of irritability during perimenopause, a stage which can last up to ten years, according to research by menopause clinic Newson Health. The very real demands of this mid-life stage – often spent juggling jobs, children and ageing parents – become harder to tolerate alongside fluctuating levels of oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone. They all have a knock-on effect on brain chemicals serotonin and dopamine, both crucial in regulating mood, while the stress hormone cortisol can be higher than normal during this time of life. It’s a perfect storm, and little wonder that divorce rates peak between the ages of 45 and 49 because that’s the exact time that women’s tolerance for their partner’s behaviour – whether justified or not – hits its lowest. The Family Law Menopause Project UK found that nearly three-quarters of women surveyed thought menopause played a role in their relationship breakdown. Thankfully, my 12-year marriage is intact, and there are, of course, days when I’m back to my normal lighthearted self. Still, extreme reactions to even the most innocuous things, which might sound baffling or even amusing from the outside, have left me feeling desperate. I hate that my family walks on eggshells, worried I’ll explode if there’s toothpaste on the bathroom mirror. I’ve nearly woken the kids up to express my annoyance; such is the irritation it provokes. Then I feel ashamed. But that shame isn’t enough to stop these outbursts. Esther says she hates that her family walk on eggshells, worried she’s going to ‘explode’ Credit: supplied Esther says her husband leaving clothes near the laundry basket, and not in it, irritates her Credit: Roy Riley – Commissioned by The Sun My husband, Rob, 44, who works in finance, says he’s joking when he calls me the “witchy dragon” – but I feel that’s exactly what I’ve become. My children aged ten and seven have taken to scarpering when I’m ranting, saying: “Mum’s in that mood…” I never used to be like this. I used to be laid back about the fact that our home near Barnstaple, Devon, which is prone to spiders and cobwebs, was never going to be immaculate, especially with two young children and a large dog. I liked the house to be tidy, but Rob and I would muddle through housework together. Whoever noticed something dirty would deal with it. On the occasions I did more than him, I felt that it was my choice to go that extra mile once the basics were done. But since my hormones have changed, I overreact, and it frightens me how I don’t feel in control. I have the usual bug bears that most women find irritating at any stage of life, such as my children leaving their shoes in the middle of the floor for me to trip over. Or my husband dropping dirty clothes near the laundry basket rather than in it. Previously that would elicit little more than a sigh. Now it makes me itch with irritation. Rob jokingly calls Esther a ‘witchy dragon’ but she feels that’s what she’s become Credit: Supplied She says she overreacts now her hormones have changed and doesn’t feel in control Credit: Roy Riley – Commissioned by The Sun The list of previously tolerable things that now drive me mad is endless. We’re lucky to live only 20 minutes from the sea, so we often head to the beach for the day. I used to happily sweep up the sand we inevitably brought home or wait for Rob to; now I feel utterly furious about it. When I leave stuff like clean laundry or loo paper on the stairs to be taken up, I seethe when my Rob or the kids step over it. I’ve even cried when I can’t find the matching lid for a plastic tub to store leftovers. My latest nemesis is our temperamental dishwasher, which sometimes leaves tiny bits of food on plates and glasses. Rob doesn’t notice them and will still put the plates away. When I come across a dirty one in the cupboard, I’m tempted to smash it. Sofa cushions are another current bugbear. I like them freshly plumped, and when someone dares to sit on them, I prickle. When I found little stains in the past, I’d turn them over and hope for the best. Now I’m continually washing them. My menochore madness has crept in over time, and for a while, I had no idea I was being so irrational. I thought my family had started being lazy and thoughtless, purposely leaving the housework for me to do and becoming extra slobby. And Rob was confused about why small messes had become such a biggie. He tried to help a bit more to ease the load, but I wanted things done in my own particular way. The kids, now 10 and seven, were baffled too, unsure why untidy piles got me so upset. They hated seeing me that way and tried to help. There were times I had to apologise for my outbursts at them, but it’s hard to explain women’s hormones at their age. The only thing I’m reassured by is that I’m not alone. Mumsnet and social media are full of stories about tolerance levels plummeting with hormones. One woman confessed on Reddit: “One weekend I was very angry as we had about 50 odd socks lying around without a pair in sight. “I could hardly sleep; I was so mad. “I also imagine a future where I live alone in a simple, clutter-free apartment.” I’ve had a similar fantasy. My friends have admitted they suffer the same rage, too. One told me that while her husband will clean the kitchen surfaces, he leaves the crumpled-up, dirty cloth on the sideboard. She said she felt like stuffing that wipe in his face. She also rants about his inability to stack the dishwasher. They’ve been together for 29 years, and she acknowledges that he’s had these habits since they started dating. It’s only since menopause struck that she loses her rag about it. Another told me that her dog is the culprit, wiping his nose or mucky paws on windows she has just cleaned. She became so overwhelmed she sobbed for hours. The exhaustion that accompanies perimenopause makes my newfound inability to ignore any mess worse. Sometimes I’ll sit at the kitchen table and stare at the fingerprints, feeling the irritation grow, but with no energy to wipe them off. Other times I’ll go into a cleaning frenzy. Rob will tell me to relax and that he’ll do it, but that just annoys me more. I can’t stop until it’s done my way. Friends and experts are constantly talking about the benefits of HRT and how that might help – but I don’t feel I can take that because I’ve had breast cancer. The evidence around using it after a diagnosis is mixed. If my symptoms were ruining my life I might reconsider. At the moment I feel I’m coping so I feel safer not going down that route, despite my cancer being triple negative rather than sensitive to hormones like oestrogen and progesterone. It’s a very personal decision. Rob is so supportive – yet it isn’t fair on him. He rightly points out that when I’m out of the house socialising, I’m all sweetness and light. But then I get home and I start raging again, back to ranting about the tiniest thing. We’re nowhere near divorce, but it has strained our relationship. It’s impossible to keep the same easy-going equilibrium when one of you loses their temper or cries at the drop of a hat – or a discarded shoe. I try to remind myself everyday that this stage is only temporary and I’ve faced huge obstacles before and got through it. In the meantime I use meditation apps, swimming, yoga and life weights which do help a bit, and of course I walk Pippa. She’s the calm who helps me weather the storm. Help is out there Dr Nikki Ramskill is a Women’s Health GP, BMS Menopause Specialist and Founder of The Female Health Doctor Clinic http://www.thefemalehealthdoctor.com She says: “Perimenopause is a time of chaos, I describe it as puberty in reverse and though some women are very sensitive to hormonal changes during transitional times, others sail through it. “When you’re fertile, oestrogen acts as a buffer and helps us to gloss over a lot – such as a ketchup stain on a cushion. “Hormone fluctuations during perimenopause affects the brain chemistry and the protective layer slips. “It’s similar to the week before our period when hormones decline and for some women they will feel rage. “On a positive note it can be a good opportunity to channel it and do things like declutter or have conversations when you need to be assertive. “During this stage the calming hormone progesterone declines too and can cause someone to feel chaotic and struggle with the small stuff. “Some women will try to create order from the chaos by struggling inwards, for example becoming very health conscious. “Other women might want external order, such as making sure their house is very organised and clean. “The chaos is temporary, though it can last for eight to ten years. “I would recommend HRT if it isn’t contraindicated. “My view is why suffer if you don’t have to. “Previously, if a woman has had breast cancer, going on HRT used to be a hard no but now there is a discussion about it, and if the benefits outweigh the risks it’s worth considering. “But if women don’t go down the HRT route there are options to treat the individual symptoms. “Sleep can be an issue so practice good sleep hygiene, such as keeping to a routine and meditating before sleep. “Try exercising early in the day so you aren’t wired at bedtime. “Or, you can talk to your GP about medications to help sleep such as melatonin. “Diet is very important, making sure you get plenty of protein and complex carbs. “For hot flushes you should limit alcohol, smoking and caffeine. “There are also excellent non-hormonal medicines that target the thermostat in the brain too which are worth talking to your GP about. “Ultimately, be kind to yourself.”