I Caught My Sister’s Fiancé in a Compromising Position Two Months Before Their Wedding. I’m Considering Keeping That to Myself.

Dear Prudence Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here. Dear Prudence, This question seems like it has a simple answer, but bear with me—I think it’s more complicated than it seems. I caught my sister’s fiancé cheating on her, two months before their wedding. Do I tell her or not? Thing is, I love my sister to bits but she makes bad romantic decisions at an Olympic level. Her fiancé has cheated on her before, left her, stolen money, come back, wrecked her credit, wrecked her car—every time she says she’s through with him, and every time she takes him right back. So I am kinda torn. Do I spill the beans because sis deserves the chance to ditch this guy before tying herself to him irrevocably? Or do I hold my peace, since experience demonstrates, it will cause a lot of distress but not actually change anything? I just feel like it is cruel to ruin her big day for her, when nothing else he has done has put her off. —Speak No Evil Or Spill the Beans Dear Speak or Spill, I’m of two minds about this one! Have you ever had a conversation with your sister about her choices around this guy writ large? Do you feel able to attend her wedding and support her, even if you think she’s making a mistake? If you two have discussed him before, you’ve made your concerns clear, and you still want to show up for her on her wedding day, then I think it makes sense not to bring it up—you’re not providing her with any new information and the less involved you get in the inner workings of their relationship, the better. You can set a boundary if she wants to come and complain about him to you, saying, “I don’t think you deserve to be treated this way. If you ever decide you’re ready to leave, then I’ll help you in any way I can. But I don’t want to discuss the same bad behavior I’ve come to expect from him.” But if you’ve kept quiet, then I think it’s worth, at least once, telling her you think she’s making a mistake (that she’s apparently made many times before). Whatever choice you make, it sounds like your sister is committed to staying in a painful pattern for at least a little while longer. That’s sad, and I hope you can find a way to keep a bearable distance while also hoping she someday sees the light. —Danny M. Lavery From: Help! My Sister’s Fiancé Is Cheating on Her. Here’s Why I Might Not Tell Her. (August 22nd, 2017). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I got divorced last year and have been happily single since then. I plan to stay that way for a while. Recently I’ve had a couple of old guy friends get in touch and ask to get together to catch up. In both cases, there was potential for romantic relationships many years ago, but we ended up just being friends. I’d like to get together with them but worry that they’re really just looking for hookups. How can I make clear that I’m only interested in friendship without coming off as obnoxious or presumptuous? The same anxiety often comes up if a new male acquaintance asks to go to lunch or for a drink. How do I clarify that I’m not interested in anything but friendship without giving the impression that I walk around thinking every man in the world must want to have sex with me? —Just Friends There are plenty of indirect ways to communicate that you’re not on a date with someone. You can show up in sweatpants, avoid dimly lit restaurants, open with a bear hug and “How the hell are ya?” or whatever other methods you use to telegraph a lack of sexual intrigue. You can also accept these invitations at face value and operate with the assumption that they were offered platonically, but also mention your present happiness at staying single and out of the dating and hookup game. That’s both a natural point of conversation (presumably you’d at least mention your recent divorce and subsequent status during any chats with friends, whether you were worried about their intentions or not) and a way of making it clear that you’re not looking to reignite any old flames. It’s also fine to be direct with new male acquaintances, since there’s not the same history of friendship: Ask to invite other co-workers, or say, “I’d greatly enjoy getting a drink as friends. Does Thursday work for you?” That’s neither obnoxious nor presumptuous. —D.M.L. From: Help! I Found My Biological Father, but My Mom Wants Me to Forget Him. (August 24th, 2017). Dear Prudence, I don’t want to feel this way, but I think that my relationship with my girlfriend is failing. We don’t seem to enjoy each other’s company anymore, she resents my long hours at work, and I resent her lack of interest in getting out to do stuff when we have free time together.The problem is that she has done so much for me. She came out to her family for me (this year her mom called on her birthday—three years that took), we moved to this city because I got a job, and she supported me when I had a small cancer thing (it was fine! I’m fine! She was great!). Now I feel like I can’t be the one to start breakup proceedings. What sort of terrible human being breaks up with someone who has done all that for them? —Dutiful But Dull Dear Dutiful, Your girlfriend came out to her family for herself. You may have acted as a fulcrum in that decision, but the person who directly benefited from that particular coming-out was your girlfriend. It was not an act of charity directed at you; it was a necessary part of her own individuation. There is no need for you to consider that a reason you are now not permitted to end your relationship with her. We stay in relationships because we love our significant others and want to be with them—not because we look back at a laundry list of credits and debits and decide we owe them more than they owe us. The fact that your girlfriend has been supportive while you were sick or that the two of you decided as a couple to move together does not mean you have to stay together forever. Breaking up is not a referendum on whether she has been a good girlfriend to you.That doesn’t mean you should dump her tomorrow, either. If you haven’t even talked about the fact that you two are starting to resent each other, then what needs to come first is a frank conversation about what’s not working, and that will never happen as long as you feel like you’re not “allowed” to be honest about your feelings with her. The worst possible thing you could do is continue to stay silent while internally pulling away and checking out of this relationship in the hopes that your girlfriend ends things for you. That will only increase your feelings of guilt and cause her unnecessary pain and bewilderment. You need to have this conversation with her—you owe it to her, and to yourself, and to do anything less out of a misplaced sense of guilt would be a serious mistake. You’re not a terrible person. You’re in a bad relationship. Whether you two can improve things or decide to ultimately part ways, it’s only going to come about if you’re honest with her and yourself. —D.M.L From: Help! My Girlfriend Won’t Donate to Harvey Victims Because Some of Them Voted for Trump. (August 28th, 2017). Classic Prudie I moved in with my boyfriend about six months ago and it’s been mostly good. But there’s one thing I just can’t get over. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Family