I can’t stop cheating on my wife with my ‘turbulent’ ex – our sex life is incredible

THROUGHOUT my 13-year marriage I’ve had multiple affairs . . . always with the same woman. However hard I try, I simply can’t stop sleeping with my ex. My wife and I are in our early ­forties and have now been together for 18 years. I first met my now ex at a gig 20 years ago and knew immediately she was special. We could talk for hours and had an incredible sex life. Our physical chemistry was off the scale. It was the most intense relationship of my life. But, like many passionate love affairs, it was also turbulent. We split up and got back together several times. WhatsApp and Contact Dear Deidre WhatsApp, DM, or email our experienced counsellors for a free, comprehensive response. Then I met my wife. She was very different — steady, reliable and sweet. I knew I could build a life and a family with her. I loved her, just in a very different way. But I never properly ended things with my ex. We could go months without contact, before one of us got in touch. We’d have a coffee and that would end in sex, then a full-blown affair. I knew it was wrong and I felt guilty but couldn’t keep away. I’d find any excuse to stay in her life. My wife knows. She has discovered my affairs several times. They have made her sad and jealous. She feels she isn’t good enough. Every time, I promise I’ll stop ­seeing my ex, once and for all. And I mean it. But a few months go by, my ex gets back in contact, I realise I’ve missed her — not just the sex but the conversation — and the whole thing starts again. I hate hurting my wife. I really want to change. How can I stop repeating this destructive pattern? DEIDRE SAYS: You say you want to change but I’m not entirely convinced. Although you love your wife, you keep hurting her in the same way. She doesn’t feel good enough, and no wonder. Your selfish behaviour makes it clear she comes second to your ex. Nobody can make you stop having affairs, except you. You’re a grown man, not a child. Be honest with yourself. If it’s your ex you want to be with, then you need to end your marriage. But if you don’t want to split, you need to employ some willpower. Block your ex, tell her not to contact you again, and don’t contact her.It’s that simple. Counselling could be useful in assisting you to make a decision. See my support pack, How Counselling Can Help. WIFE’S NAME SLIP AS WE WERE IN BED GETTING IT ON DEAR DEIDRE: WHILE we were cuddling up in bed, my wife called me by her ex-husband’s name. It’s not the first time. Sometimes she still refers to herself by her old married name, too. It’s really starting to annoy and upset me. We’ve been married for 15 years and are both in our mid-forties. She was married once before we met and had a child with her ex-husband. That means she has to keep in touch with him, which I understand. But yesterday, we were being affectionate in bed when she asked me to turn out the light – and used his name. It felt like a slap in the face. Especially as she keeps doing it. I usually try to laugh it off, but the fact we were in bed this time makes it more upsetting. After 15 years, you think she’d know my name by now. Or does she fantasise about him when we have sex? Am I being oversensitive? DEIDRE SAYS: A name slip doesn’t mean she’s pining for her ex, although I can see why it’s hurtful, especially during an intimate moment. Brains can do funny things, and some habits are hard to break. Given she is in regular contact with him, it’s not surprising she sometimes gets it wrong. But if this upsets you, you need to tell her how you feel. Ask her to try harder not to do it and to reassure you that you’re important. MY GRIEF CLOUDS GRANDAD MOMENTS DEAR DEIDRE: IT fills me with joy to watch my lovely granddaughter grow up, but it also reminds me of everything my wife has missed. I’m 66 and lost her seven years ago. Our granddaughter was only a few days old when my wife died and it still breaks my heart that she never got to know her. Being a grandad has become the best part of my life. I pick up my grandaughter from school, take her to the park and listen to all her stories about her friends. She’s funny and kind, and I can see so much of her grandmother in her. But sometimes I feel so guilty for enjoying those moments because my wife should be here for them, too. I keep imagining what she would be like as a nan, and all the things she would do with her granddaughter. I’ve tried to carry on with my life but feel lost without my wife and don’t know how I’m supposed to move forward. DEIDRE SAYS: Feeling guilty is a natural part of grief and can stay with us for years, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop living alongside it. Your wife would want you to cherish these moments with your granddaughter. Try to let yourself enjoy it, while still keeping your wife’s memory close. Talking to a bereavement counsellor could help you work through the sadness and guilt you’re carrying. Contact cruse.org.uk. HORSE GIFT BUT I HOLD THE REINS DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend’s dream horse is turning into my financial nightmare. I thought buying him one as a gift would be appreciated, but I’m left holding the reins instead. We’re both 31. About three years ago, he took up riding and became obsessed. I was delighted, as I’ve ridden horses since I was a kid. When I came into a little money, I decided to surprise him by buying a small, gentle mare suitable for a beginner. He was thrilled. But the horse was skinny and unfit when she arrived, and needed vet treatment. I spent months getting her healthy and in shape. It took up so much time and cost a fortune. My boyfriend promised he’d contribute half towards her bills, but then he got made redundant and struggled to find a job. Now he’s back in work but argues that he shouldn’t have to pay as he isn’t riding her. I’m annoyed. I know I chose to buy the horse, but it doesn’t seem fair. Why should the gift I gave him be my sole responsibility? DEIDRE SAYS: Unfortunately, your boyfriend didn’t ask for the horse you chose to buy, so technically the financial responsibility is yours. But he’s behaving unfairly and ungratefully, given he accepted the horse as his and promised to contribute. Just because he is not currently riding her doesn’t change that commitment. Sit him down and have a frank conversation. Work out exactly what the horse costs each month and agree who will pay what. If he can’t afford half, perhaps he could contribute a smaller fixed amount. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you have this conversation. If nothing changes, you might need to think about selling the horse.