I can’t stand my daughter-in-law – she’s making my son do shared parental leave

My son is a good laugh, a hard worker and a thoughtful man. I’m proud of him. But I find his wife hard to stomach. She’s intelligent and attractive, but also entitled and demanding. I see my son running around after her and wonder why she isn’t making more of an effort. She comes from a bit of money and I don’t think she’s used to pulling her weight. The first time I met her, she was polite, but almost abrasive in her comments about men, dismissing them as sexist. The final straw came recently when my wife and I went to visit. My daughter-in-law is pregnant and we wanted to congratulate her. She made it very clear that she has no intention of changing her career ambitions because she has children and was saying that she is sharing maternity leave with my son. Now, I know times have changed, but I don’t see my son getting any choice in this – what about his career? He’s already run ragged and I fear he’ll be the one doing more than ever when the baby arrives. Shorts I try to get on with her for his sake, but she gets right up my nose. My wife tells me to leave them to it and often defends her, saying it’s generational. But my son is pulling a short straw here. What should I do? Protective Dad, 58 ** Dear Protective Dad, I can quite imagine you itching to step in when what you observe is your daughter-in-law swanning around and your son acting like a servant; I feel your love for your son in this protective instinct. But what does your son think about it all? He feels absent, both in your letter and perhaps in this dynamic between you and your daughter-in-law. Is he the put-upon martyr resenting doing more than his share? Is he so grateful for his wife’s attention that he’s glad of the chance to wait on her? Or is he simply getting on with sharing the running of a household? Does he stick up for his wife and agree with their division of labour? Have you even asked him how he feels? The answer is important because it will help you gauge whether there’s a problem between your son and his wife, with which you can help support him, or whether he thinks things are going swimmingly and the only person feeling affronted by her behaviour is you. In so many relationships, our first meeting leaves a lasting impression. We then act as evidence-seekers, looking for more behaviour that backs up our initial hypothesis. Great if your daughter-in-law had made a good first impression, but in her case her remarks about sexism have led the way to your beliefs that she is entitled. Yet those remarks do reflect a truth that our society is still a sexist one. She might simply be delighted and relieved that she’s met your son who does believe in equality. I wonder whether you found her comments so challenging because of your own family set-up. We have experienced a huge cultural shift over the past 30 years. When your son was a child, did you share the nappy changes and school pick-ups and planning children’s parties? In most households, it would have been your wife doing the lion’s share of the nurturing role, while you focused on providing in the form of earning money. In some families, the mother also “looked after” her partner, cooking and cleaning, too. If our children decide not to follow in our footsteps and approach their own lives differently, this can feel like a rejection of our values and beliefs. It can be construed as a personal criticism and really hurt if we don’t take a step back and see that our children’s lifestyle and values are not a direct challenge to us, but instead their individuality and a result of the society they grew up in. If children are carbon copies of their parents, then nothing has evolved. In your case, you don’t seem to have felt this sting from your son, but instead are blaming your daughter-in-law. I wonder what she thinks of you – and her husband’s silence. I imagine your son feels uncomfortable when he’s caught in the middle of this awkwardness and I wonder why he hasn’t raised the subject with you privately: could he be walking on eggshells and trying not to offend you? Your wife is urging you to leave your son to it and suggests this is generational. I would go a step further: ask those you love for their thoughts on this. Do they see your son taking his share of domestic responsibility? If that is what they observe, then I’d also ask you to take a look at your own lifestyle and check that you’re not expecting your wife to run around after you. If the whole thing makes you feel uncomfortable, perhaps rather than feeling challenged by your son and daughter-in-law’s lifestyle, you might be able to extend more equality to your own life. As for your relationship with your daughter-in-law, for the sake of your son, your grandchild and yourself, be the one to start building bridges. Be a positive evidence collector and when you see her displaying values you hold dear, make sure to compliment her on them. Hopefully it will help heal your rocky start and, in time, you’ll have a respectful, if not affectionate, relationship.