I Came Home to Find a Very Unfamiliar Piece of Furniture. Then I Learned Exactly What My Husband Had Agreed To.

Dear Prudence Prudie chats with Lizzie O’Leary, host of What Next: TBD, about a divisive family tradition. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here. Dear Prudence, My husband’s cousin and his wife are about to have a baby boy, and while I am happy for them, something happened recently that has thrown my otherwise healthy relationship with my husband into a tailspin. My husband was raised Jewish but is no longer practicing, and I’m not Jewish. His family was disappointed that he strayed from their faith as an adult and married a non-Jewish woman. While they seem to have mostly moved on and we maintain a positive relationship with them, I feel like sometimes the tension is still palpable. I arrived home several days ago to find a massive, ornate chair in my living room. Baffled, I called my husband while he was at work, and he informed me that his cousin and his wife asked if they could hold the bris ceremony to circumcise their baby at our house—and he said yes! Apparently, he had been planning on discussing it with me that evening, but his cousin dropped off the chair earlier than expected. I’m opposed to circumcision on ethical grounds, and we have agreed that if we had a son, we would not circumcise him. His family claims that they don’t have enough space for everyone anywhere else, so when they asked if they could hold the ceremony at our house, he said yes without consulting me first. He seems apologetic and knows it is “not ideal,” but since it is a time-sensitive situation, he wanted to save his cousin and his wife the stress of trying to find a place to hold the ceremony. He says I don’t need to be there if the circumcision itself makes me uncomfortable, but I know his family would be upset if I wasn’t there. I’m flabbergasted and angry with him that I wasn’t consulted, but I’m also genuinely uncomfortable with this happening at our house. I spent the night searching to see if this was even legal (in our state it is), and to assuage my concerns about the welfare of the baby, my husband informed me that a doctor will be present if anything goes wrong. However, while discussing this with a friend of mine (who is Jewish), she suggested that I look inward and that there might be some antisemitism at the root of my discomfort and what she called my “not in my backyard attitude” about the situation, since I haven’t spent any time prior to this actively protesting against circumcision in any way beyond not wanting to circumcise my own (potential) child. Prudie, where do I go from here? The baby is due in about a week, and this would be happening eight days after the birth, so the clock is ticking. Is it worth it to stand up to my husband’s family when they already dislike me? Am I actually antisemitic for feeling so strongly about this? I feel like I’m trapped in an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and I can’t get out. —Please Help! Jenée Desmond-Harris: There are so many different things going on in this letter. So thank you, Lizzie, for helping me think through it here so I don’t have to compose a linear response. I’ll start by saying that it would be easier to respond to if the letter writer were clearer (maybe even in her own head) about her relationship with her in-laws (how they feel about her, how she feels about them, what she wants the relationship to look like, how much she cares about upsetting them, etc.). All of that makes a big difference! If the palpable “tension” means she really doesn’t enjoy them, then not much is lost if they’re “upset” that she skips the ceremony. But if she believes the relationship is on a positive trajectory and they could all be closer in the future, missing the event has higher stakes. I also feel that because her own friend was the one who suggested she might harbor some antisemitism, it gives the idea extra weight because this is a person who really likes her, and maybe she’s been waiting to bring this up? I mean, obviously there are many other reasons to be against circumcision, but if she’s somehow giving off antisemitism to someone who doesn’t have other issues with her, it’s worth asking for more feedback on this and thinking about how it might be shaping the dynamic with her in-laws. Then, obviously, there’s the relationship with her husband, but we can get to that… Lizzie O’Leary: I am going to dump out a bunch of thoughts here that are not in any coherent order, in part because we are doing this the chat way and in part because there are so many issues here that I can’t totally organize my thoughts. First off, I have the “Curb” theme song playing in my head while the letter writer stares at an ornate mystery chair. But that is neither here nor there. Let’s start with the husband. I think he was probably between a rock and a hard place and was like, “Uh, I guess I will discuss this with my wife later,” and it bit him in the ass. But also, for marital solidarity, my gut is saying just roll with this. Yes, it’s not the choice you would make for your hypothetical son, but your husband’s cousin did make this choice, you cannot actively stop this choice, and I think that for the sake of family harmony, I would just attempt to put on a neutral face and go with this. In my limited experience, a bris is over very quickly, the people with the newborn want to go home, and there is a small modicum of eating and socializing afterwards. Then you are done. Now! On to antisemitism. That’s very much more concerning to me, especially that the friend brought it up. I keep wondering what the tone was there! Was it “You know … you might want to consider…” (as if it was something the friend had wondered before) or was it “If you really challenge and interrogate yourself,” as more of a thought exercise? I don’t know how to approach this one. Do you? Jenée: I do want to make room for the idea that the LW’s opposition to circumcision might fall outside of the normal “whatever works for your family”/“everyone makes different choices” parenting debate paradigm. That would apply if she were, for example, being asked to watch a child explore baby-led weaning despite her beliefs about only giving purees until 6 months. In that case, she could easily mind her business, while grinning and bearing it through a short event. But here, she might really see circumcision as a violation of bodily autonomy that is painful and upsetting; I can see why she would really struggle to be there and watch an innocent baby go through it. On the other hand, her friend has a point! If it’s that serious, why hasn’t her opposition come up more often before this instance? And is she struggling when friends’ little girls have their ears pierced, too? There is a case to be made that she is hurt that her in-laws initially didn’t embrace her because of their faith and, as a result, she’s now overly negative about this ceremony that has origins in the same faith. But I just don’t know all the facts. Clearly, I’m all tied up in knots over this one, so I’ll try to focus on some practical advice. You know I love a white lie. I think the thing to do is to let them have the bris and then suddenly have pink eye and have to leave the premises to avoid exposing anyone, especially the baby (who will have enough going on that day!). Am I on to something?? Lizzie: LOL I love you. See, I am too confrontational, and I forget about the social usefulness of the little white lie. I like that idea. (Side note: I had a cold sore when my son was like two weeks old, and I was convinced I was going to infect him, and instead I shriveled my hands with sanitizer.) I feel bad that I went too hardcore on the practical advice past the LW’s ethical concerns. I just think circumcision is one of those really tough things because for some people it’s a no-brainer and for others it’s appalling. And there is probably no moving people that much from their camps. Our LW could also have an immovable appointment? Like with a doctor who was really hard to get time with? I think anything that takes her out of the house and avoids in-law conflict is good. And if they want to talk about her while she’s out, that’s fine! Jenée: I was going to accuse you of being bad at lying because I assumed the bris would take place on a weekend and the specialist appointment would probably not be on a Saturday or Sunday. But I have checked, and it’s possible it will be on a weekday, and if so, I support your proposed story. Other options could be: She left her phone somewhere that morning and has to retrieve it; a friend has been rushed to the hospital and needs someone to watch her kids; or she has been asked at the last minute to attend a professional conference, and her career is on the line. Whatever it takes. The sad truth is the in-laws won’t be scrutinizing the excuse because they have a new grandchild who is all they’re thinking of. And they don’t like her that much anyway and won’t miss her. Obviously, there are bigger issues with family dynamics that will need to be addressed down the line, but I think this gets us through this milestone. Lizzie: Yes. Lie! Punt! And then I think talk through the bigger stuff with your husband at a much calmer time. Also, LW, I get that this all kind of sucks, but I feel like it’s one of those unfortunate life situations where everyone was sort of backed into a corner and the best thing to do is get through it in the moment and then tend to the emotions afterwards. Advice Dear Prudence Family Marriage