I Brought a Special Talent to My Retirement Community. I Had No Idea Sharing It Could Turn Out So Badly.

Dear Prudence I know I’m skilled, but leave me alone! Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Oct 29, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Dani DG/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I am a 65-year-old woman. I live in a 55-and-older apartment building. There are at least 100 apartments here. I made a couple of friends when I moved in here, and I’m considered to be a nice compassionate person. I am also pretty computer savvy, and I’ve discovered a lot of seniors don’t know how to use their smart phones. So I helped some people, but then you know what happened: I get bombarded, I can’t even walk out of my apartment without someone stopping me and asking me something, and it’s getting on my nerves. Two people to have my phone number, but I stopped answering as they call constantly and it’s always 40-minute conversations. It’s my fault, really. I have to stop being a people pleaser; trying to set boundaries around here almost impossible. I am so frustrated! —Regretfully Techy Dear Techy, I shared your letter with my mom, a.k.a. “Prudie Senior,” as she calls herself when I consult her about advice. She lives in a community like yours and has played a similar role. She’s often recruited for home organization projects, has helped a group of neighbors listen to podcasts, and has to manage requests to sit on various committees. She suggested that you formalize your tech support role, but in a limited way, so that you’re not bombarded by questions about Instagram each time you walk out the door. “Make a decision to set up an appointment schedule. Residents would have to sign up for 20-minute slots, she said. “Decide how many days a week you want to do it and how many appointments you are willing to accept.” Then, when you’re booked up, you’re booked up. And you can refer people who approach you in the halls to your sign-up sheet (which should probably be a pen and paper situation, maybe posted on your door, to keep things accessible for those who aren’t comfortable with technology. Alternatively, she said, it’s fine to take a complete break, fending off neighbors with the line, “I’m sorry, I’m not available for tech help.” She told me to assure you that “People will still like you and you will feel better having set clear boundaries.” And instead of leaving people lost, you can always refer them to the iPhone and computer classes for seniors that are almost certainly available in your community. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, After putting myself through a Master’s degree part-time while working full-time for many years, I’ll finally be graduating this year. Even though I’ve primarily been a remote student, I’m attending the in-person commencement ceremony because I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and want to be recognized for that achievement. However, my college only allows each graduate four guests. For similar past events, I’ve invited my parents, my siblings, and my grandmother. But this time, I’m not sure how many of them could, or would want to, attend. While my parents have told me they’re proud of me for pursuing graduate school and financing my education myself, my mother has questioned why I would want to attend my commencement ceremony, as she skipped her own. My father has kept quiet about whether he’d attend or not.My sibling works in a very demanding job, so they might not be able to take the day off. My grandmother is in good health now, but she is getting older and less able to travel on her own. And on top of all of that, one of my beloved former teachers that I’ve stayed in contact with for many years has expressed interest in attending the ceremony. I would love to invite my teacher—or really anyone who would want to celebrate me!—but I worry that if I don’t invite one of my family members as a result, they will feel slighted. I’m also going on a trip with my parents and siblings not long after commencement, so if relations are frosty then, the trip is going to be miserable. (My mother already had to reschedule the trip because it overlapped with the ceremony, and she was less than pleased about it.) I’m trying not to worry about this until I’m actually given a deadline to provide RSVPs for the ceremony, but since I’m still bringing it up in therapy every week anyway, I would very much appreciate advice on how to tackle this situation without turning it into a bigger problem. —Stressed Graduate Dear Stressed, Send the following to the group chat: “Hi family! Checking in to see whether anyone would like to attend my graduation ceremony, so I can get a final headcount. I have three tickets available because I promised one of the four to my former teacher who asked to come. I know we’re all going to be traveling together the following week so no pressure, but I’d love to have any of you there to celebrate this accomplishment if you’re interested and available. Please let me know by Monday.” “Monday”—or whatever fake deadline you give—should be well before the actual deadline, so that if they all decline or fail to respond, you can move on to inviting a couple of local friends if you’d like. If they all agree to come (which seems pretty unlikely) you’ll have plenty of time to seek out an extra ticket for your teacher from a classmate. That said, something tells me the idea of sending the text I suggested probably gives you major anxiety, and I think I know why. I don’t get the sense that you feel really comfortable and safe interacting with your family members, and I’m sure that’s explained by a lifetime of experiences. Your mom’s resentment over moving the trip is especially painful, as is your sense—which I’m sure comes from precious cold shoulder experiences—that a wrong move here could cause tension during the vacation. Whatever happens, remember that you have done nothing wrong and that your graduation is a huge accomplishment. When a voice inside you says it’s not a big deal or that you’re wrong or selfish for wanting to celebrate, know that that is your mother’s voice and it’s wrong. You have done something amazing and in a healthy family, everyone would be affirming that and expressing their pride, whether or not they could be there in person. So maybe think about how you spend your time with your family in this new era of your life. They aren’t cruel or abusive, and I’m not suggesting that you cut them off. But they really aren’t showing up for you in the way you deserve, and I’m worried that that has chipped away at your self-confidence and will continue to do so. Vacations are for enjoyment, not for navigating the emotions of people who make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells when you make a totally reasonable request. Want more Prudie? Slate Plus members get an additional column each week. Sign up for Slate Plus now. Dear Prudence, This past year, my husband and I moved into our first house and will be hosting Thanksgiving. I am already dreading it. My older sister “Mimi” has always been overweight, and our mom is perpetually ready with a zinger aimed at her size; our dad has never done anything about it. I am considering telling her that if she’s going to be mean to Mimi, she can stay home. The likely result will be a war with her because her response has always been to accuse anyone who calls her out of lacking a sense of humor. My husband says we shouldn’t invite my parents at all because he doesn’t trust my mom not to start in. Should I invite my parents with the admonishment to my mother, or would it be better not to extend the invitation at all so my sister can have a pleasant holiday for a change? —Preparing to Get Blasted Either Way Dear Preparing, Plan the holiday without your mom, explaining to her that you don’t want to subject Mimi to cruel comments, and you understand that she’s not willing to temper her “humor” and don’t want to argue about it. That way she’s the one who will have to negotiate her way into attending with promises of improved behavior if she really wants to be there. Classic Prudie I moved to a new state to be with my now-wife. We are both women and have never really had close friends here. It’s a very tightknit community, and people are very kind, but it hasn’t been that easy to break through. This year, I had a baby and ended up connecting with a group of new moms. I love my wife, but I feel like I was really missing having close friends, and I’ve been so happy to find some. The problem is that I’ve gotten very close with one friend in particular, “Rachel,” and suddenly I am feeling like I have a crush on her! Advice Dear Prudence