I Asked My Husband to Stop Doing Something in Bed. Then He Completely Broke My Trust.

How to Do It This isn’t the first time. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by khuncho007/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I’m a 40-year-old woman, and I need some advice on how to deal with a situation with my husband, a 45-year-old man. My husband is having some medical issues, which mean penis-in-vagina sex is off the table for a bit, which is not a problem. We recently had a date night and afterwards were fooling around (oral and manual for me), and when I was done and feeling some friction and dryness, I stopped, explained to my husband, and asked that he not touch me there, and we kissed. Seconds later, I had to physically remove his hand from my vulva. I expressed disappointment and anger in the moment, explained that this is a huge issue—I said no! It happened anyway!—and we’re now in an uneasy tension in the house. This is not the first time this has happened with me, and before we were married, there was a woman who also accused him of sexual assault. I love my husband, and I have known this man and been his friend, lover, or more for 16 years. We decided to get married six months ago, and I am now questioning if I can even stay. When we talked about it, he said he would do better (but has no plan for how to accomplish that) and that it’s “not like he chose to ignore me.” Please help. —No You Don’t Own Me Dear No You Don’t Own Me, Putting aside the unknown reasons the woman you mention accused your husband of sexual assault and looking solely at what you’ve personally experienced, this man shows absolutely no sign of being willing to change his behavior. Your husband has violated your consent on multiple occasions. He has not only failed to work toward changing, but he also has not even described a half-baked plan for attempting to do so. This kind of behavior tends to escalate and can quickly reach Lifetime Network movie levels. Unless the medical issues your husband is having were present at the time of previous instances where he directly violated your clearly stated sexual boundaries, and are the sort of issues that are clearly linked to something like a significant impairment in short-term memory (early-onset dementia? I don’t know) or the ability to hear and understand words you are speaking, leave. This is the only scenario I can imagine in which there’s justification for his claim that he didn’t choose to ignore you. If that extremely unlikely scenario is, in fact, what’s happening, work with his treatment team to make a solid plan to protect yourself from what could still be a dangerous situation, and might mean you moving out or your husband going to a care facility. We can feel love, sympathy, empathy, care, and all sorts of other tender emotions for a person while still recognizing their behavior toward us and understanding that they are not safe to live with, have sex with, or otherwise be physically vulnerable around. It’s horrible, and it’s sometimes true. Talk with a divorce lawyer before you make any moves. Think back on your lengthy relationship and consider whether your now-husband has a history of violating other boundaries of yours, controlling or attempting to control your behavior, or violent actions toward anyone to get a sense of how safety-focused you need to be. While you’re at it, think of other times he’s handed you the soggy cracker of “I’ll do better” and then failed to even try, regarding any subject, but especially times you’ve asserted autonomy or expected him to behave like a functional adult. Keep all of that in your mind as you walk out the door. —Jessica More Advice From Slate About 15 years ago when I was in my early 20s, I dated a woman who I’d known previously as an acquaintance. We were never that serious, but we did have sex multiple times over the course of a few months. Looking back on this, I am mostly embarrassed by my lack of ability to be a decent sexual partner. I was pretty inexperienced sexually (it was maybe my fourth sexual experience) and a little terrified. During one of our sexual encounters, we had sex once, and I came with a condom on. Advice Sex