‘I am married with two kids, but I drunkenly embraced a colleague at a work party’

QuestionI am in a job that I really like and have worked here for a number of years. I am married with two kids.Our workplace recently had an annual summer party, which was held on the other side of the country. It involved an overnight stay. There was a lot of karaoke singing and drinking involved and, long story short, I ended up drunkenly embracing one of my colleagues.She has a long-term partner. No one else in the team knows about what happened. My colleague is someone I have known for years, and we get along very well, but I had never thought about her in a romantic context. Due to working-from-home arrangements, we don’t see each other very often in person. She hasn’t mentioned what happened between us since that night. I suspect she doesn’t want to make anything of it either. And I don’t want to blow up my life by telling my wife what happened.What do you think I should do?READ MOREAnswerThis question is really one where context matters – is this event indicative of a lessening of intimate relationships with your wife and so it looms large in your consciousness, or is it something flirtatious that happened as a once-off?The fact that you are writing about it suggests that this is important and deserving of attention in your life and it feels to you that you are withholding something from your wife. If this feels like a secret that might explode your marriage, then it is worth considering what gives it such power and intensity.Loyalty and fidelity are recognised as cornerstones of marriage – your vows probably mentioned both commitments – and you are feeling that you have breached one or both of these. But again, it might be worth looking at the context.In work we meet people who are like-minded, share similar goals and with whom we form strong connections, and it can be easy to misinterpret these good feelings when drink is involved. Indeed, a type of love can exist in the workplace, but it is good to respect it for what it is and not cross boundaries, particularly when other lives are involved. Sex and desire are strong, natural drives, but without the containment of good judgment, they can bubble to the surface, overflow and create havoc.[ ‘I recently met a fantastic man through work. He is divorced, but I am married’Opens in new window ]Your good judgment is required now to ascertain what meaning this event has, what truth needs to be disseminated and what learning or outcome you want to take from it.Is your marriage in trouble, or sliding towards distance?Is your body drawing you towards another, or are you surprised by what happened?It might be important to investigate this with your wife so that you are both participants in creating and shaping whatever future you have together. Of course, there is a risk here – that of questioning the relationship contributing to its demise. However, all relationships need resetting and engagement to keep them vibrant and alive. You both need to look at secrets and how they impact your relationship; you both get to decide what needs to be disclosed and how the relationship handles these rough spots. Any relationship can cope with disclosure if the basis is solid and there is a foundation of faith in its endurance and resilience. If the foundation is fragile, care needs to be taken to build trust and confidence, and the starting point for this is vulnerability and openness. You are clearly disconcerted about the work event, and it has perhaps exposed fractures that need to be addressed.[ ‘My wife, who I love and adore, has emotionally abandoned our relationship’Opens in new window ]Pretending or hoping that these can be papered over is a short-term solution that perpetuates the ongoing underlying issue and so you will be confronted with something similar again in the future. With two kids, it might be difficult to find the time to start the conversation, and it might be better not to begin when both of you are tired, late at night when the children are in bed.Could you organise sitters for a Saturday morning and both of you go for a walk and coffee?Ask your wife how she thinks the relationship is going, how she sees your current positioning and what she sees as potential rifts. If you can, be honest about your concerns and do not try to fix everything too fast. It is good to tolerate the uncomfortable reality and to trust that solutions will only emerge after ongoing discussions and reflections. If your wife hears your commitment to the long haul, she will have enough faith to engage and see this situation through.Your work event highlighted a difficulty in your marriage that was below the surface for you. However, there is the possibility that your flirtation was actually a real pull away from your marriage.If you are giving consideration to this then it would be worth engaging with a psychotherapist to help you unravel what is going on. (Look up the Irish Council for Psychotherapy or the Psychological Society of Ireland for accredited professionals.)To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com