I Agreed to Help My Boyfriend Build a House. Nine Years Later, We’re Still Living in Ruins.

Dear Prudence I didn’t know what I was signing up for. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Aug 10, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Paffy69/iStock/Getty Images Plus and Somus/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I’m a 39-year-old woman and have been helping my boyfriend, who is 47, build a house for nine years. When we met, I was 30, and he was 39. He had bought the house with his ex-wife and torn most of it down to build an extension and a five-bedroom family home. Shortly after the demolition, they divorced. In the five years between his divorce and us meeting, he had decided he had no other financial option but to build it himself. He and his dad have been working on the house since 2013; I met him in 2017. Well, it’s been nine years, and we do not have a single room completed. About 40 percent of the house is plastered, and we sleep in a bedroom that is largely complete but has no flooring. Our kitchen is a makeshift one, in an unplastered room with no ceiling, and a sink/oven/stove sourced from friends and family. Prudie, I have run out of patience. But I’m not writing just to whine. The biggest issue that seems to be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back is the hoarding. We cannot complete a room because over the past nine years, he has filled every shed, garage, and downstairs room with furniture he picked up for free/cheaply at a barn sale or auction, or even worse, collected from deceased relatives’ houses (the stuff that nobody else wanted). His uncle’s cousin passed away two years ago, and he and his dad attached the trailer to our car and brought home two trailer loads of junk. I cried. We have some rancid recliner sofas filling the makeshift kitchen, and the shed is so clogged with old beds and garden chairs from 20 years ago, it cannot be used for its intended purpose. We can’t progress with any more rooms because there is nowhere to store anything. The shed and garage were built so we could “empty the house,” and he has filled every square inch of them with crap. Living surrounded by this much junk is really taking a toll on me, let alone living in an unplastered, dark stone building site for almost a decade. I have spent every weekend of the past nine years toiling away with him and his parents, thinking progress will be around the corner any minute now. He will not get rid of anything. He still has a broken, rusty barbecue from his first house 25 years ago. I have tried everything to no avail. I’m considering saying I need some time apart as an ultimatum; I am that depressed by it all. Any idea what I can do? —It’s the Junk or Me Dear It’s the Junk or Me, I am not surprised in the least that you’re feeling depressed after so many years of living in chaos. I get it! This is a far less intense version of what you have endured, but when my family and I moved across the country during my parental leave last year, a delay on the part of our movers meant that by the time our belongings arrived at our new home, we were back at work. This meant we had no dedicated time to unpack, organize, and decorate, and had to do all this in tiny chunks of time on weekends when we could get two very little kids out of the way. Feeling settled took forever, and not knowing where everything was while looking at unfinished rooms every day took a massive toll on me. I felt kind of embarrassed about how much it was getting me down because in the grand scheme of things, “I’m tired of looking at boxes, there’s nothing on the walls, I keep having to buy stuff that I know is hidden in here somewhere, and I have no idea where all the Christmas stuff is” is a very privileged and extremely boring problem to have. But as I wondered whether I was overreacting to the situation, I poked around online and found validation. This excerpt from the Forbes article, The Hidden Mental Toll of a Cluttered Home, explains it well: The state of our physical space can be a reflection of our state of mind,” says Natalie Christine Dattilo, a Boston-based clinical and health psychologist and instructor at Harvard Medical School. “So when we look around and see our physical space cluttered, crowded, and messy, we may begin to feel disorganized and messy inside as well.” Indeed, a recent study found that people who perceived their homes as more cluttered tended to report lower levels of well-being and life satisfaction, along with higher levels of stress and other negative emotions. Other research has also linked disorganized living environments with increased anxiety, poorer concentration, and even unhealthy eating habits. This seems to be especially true for women. A 2010 study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that in married couples, wives with higher “stressful home scores” (a measure that reflected clutter but also the sense that their homes were unfinished) had more depressed moods over the course of the day whereas the opposite was true for women with higher “restorative home scores” (a measure that reflected how many words related to rest and nature they used to describe their homes). You don’t need peer-reviewed research to feel the way you feel, but I hope it helps to know that what you’re feeling is normal. It’s also, I hate to say, probably not going to change. To cite a less authoritative source, watching a few episodes of “Hoarders” (the reality show that chronicles the work of experts to help people who are in crisis because of the condition of their living spaces and all of their belongings) should convince you that there’s probably nothing you can do to make your boyfriend want a finished and clean home as much as you do. I’m not even sure he’d be capable of making that happen even if he has all the best intentions. It just seems that people who are inclined to live this way have a really, really tough time making the changes needed to fix things, especially when it comes to letting go of items they believe have value. Combine this with the fact that he’s clearly in over his head with the renovations, which would be overwhelming for anyone, and I don’t see a path to transforming this home into a pleasant place to live. So I do think you need some time apart, but not as an ultimatum. You need it as a way to live the way you want to live! If there’s any way you can afford it, get your own home, apartment, or even a room in someone else’s home, where you can control the environment. Explain it to him using the studies I’ve shared above, making clear that you’re not stepping away to pressure or shame him. You just need some peace. If he’s at all empathetic about the position you’re in, you can stay together, with a creative living arrangement. I think you’ll get so much value out of a relationship that involves, yes, a little less time under the same roof, but doesn’t include one person who is about to explode with frustration. You’ll be happier and a better partner if your comfort isn’t on hold while you wait for your boyfriend to do something he’s simply never going to do. You can hang out at his house from time to time, and I guarantee it will feel a lot different when the multiple filthy couches and unfinished rooms are not your problem. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I’m a mid-60s man, and my husband is in his early 70s. We live in the rural Northeast. We’re opposites: I’m motivated and driven, and I have ADHD/mild OCD, while he’s uber laid-back, athletic, and a self-described “Peter Pan who didn’t want to grow up.” We met at a crossroads of life for both of us, bonded quickly, and our friends have marveled at a relationship of such differences. Twenty-ish years later, our honeymoon phase has faded. Aging challenges him with health issues and depression, while I’m unanchored post-retirement, struggling with focus, borderline depression, and anxiety. Individually and relationally, we are stuck in entropy and desperately want to get unstuck. We recently resumed individual counseling with the same therapist, hoping to resolve individual issues and rekindle our marriage. My goal is to improve our relationship, while he hopes to manage his depression and find purpose. I’m anxious for accelerated progress in my sessions, but he casually disclosed that he may not be giving much in therapy and the therapist may be frustrated (he’s honest about his situation but not very introspective). We want to stay together, but we’re dissatisfied with our individual and relational state. What can I do to move things along? I put a lot of stake in our individual (and hopefully couples) therapy, but I can’t stay stuck much longer and need answers. —Stuck in the Middle With You Dear Stuck in the Middle With You, What do you mean by “hopefully” couples therapy? You two have got to make that happen. Prioritize it. It sounds like you are very different people and have some dissatisfaction with your dynamic, but there’s no huge crisis, no major resentment, no betrayal, and nothing that’s beyond repair. While being in individual therapy is great, it’s not going to address what you feel is missing. Couples therapy can’t make the two of you more similar, and if your husband really doesn’t care about improving the relationship, it won’t change that either. But it’s the most obvious path toward finding the connection you once had despite your different temperaments. You both want to stay together, and that’s huge. Don’t put a deadline on this when you haven’t even done the one thing that might make a difference. Make an appointment. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, My mother had an affair with my sister’s husband four years ago and ended up pregnant from it. My sister was understandably devastated and cut ties with her. I sporadically kept in touch with our mother, but drifted away out of disgust. Not long ago, she reached out to me through a relative. It turns out my half-brother is in need of a bone marrow transplant, and according to what my mother was told, half-siblings have a 50 percent chance of being a match. Angry as I was (and remain) with my mother, I got tested since my half-brother didn’t have a choice in how he came into the world. I wasn’t a match. Now my mother wants me to approach my sister to ask her to get tested as well. Do I have any obligation to be her errand girl? —Mom’s Mess Dear Mom’s Mess, Absolutely not. Classic Prudie I am sad my 25-year-old son couldn’t care less about his family. He dropped out of school and lives at home but works the late shift, so we never see him. He will not visit his grandparents, whom he used to adore (they live nearby). He never bought anyone (except his girlfriend) a Christmas present, and he avoids all family functions and has no guilt or remorse saying this is just how he is… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Dear Prudence