I aborted my healthy baby because I was so scared of morning sickness… read my agony before you judge me

FOR most people, finding out you’re pregnant after longing for a baby is a time of unbridled joy. But for Bryony Twydle, the news was accompanied by such extreme anxiety and terror that she contemplated ending her life. Here, she explains why she was forced to make a tough decision that will stay with her forever. Bryony Twyndle, 36, was filled with ‘anxiety and terror’ when she discovered she was pregnant in 2024 Credit: Bryony Twydle The actress and comedian had a heartbreaking decision to make in her first pregnancy, but has now gone on to fall pregnant again Credit: Unknown “NOBODY likes being sick. If you see someone puking on the train, you’re probably going to move to the next carriage. But for me it’s different. If someone is throwing up on the train in front of me, I am most likely hyperventilating and clawing at the doors, trying to get out. So, when I found out I was pregnant, the news was accompanied by such extreme anxiety and terror that I contemplated ending my life – and was forced to make a decision that will stay with me forever. I wasn’t worried about becoming a mum. It was the crippling morning sickness that accompanied the early stages of my pregnancy that reignited a debilitating phobia of vomit I’d spent more than 25 years trying to get under control. So powerful was the grip of my fear – known as emetophobia – that I felt I had no choice but to make a previously unimaginable decision and have an abortion. My husband was in complete agreement with the heartbreaking decision, seeing how mentally unwell I’d become since I conceived. Yet I still felt ashamed and was convinced those closest to me would judge me harshly. Now, two years on, I’m speaking out so that other women struggling with the same fear – or whose lives are made hell due to extreme morning sickness – no longer feel alone. It’s hard to remember exactly what triggered my phobia, but I remember being locked in the back seat of my mum’s car, aged eight, while a friend projectile vomited. Then there were the years of my brother’s travel sickness on family trips. For a long time, I thought I was the only one to suffer. Even when I was later diagnosed, I’d never heard of emetophobia, even though an estimated two to seven per cent of people are thought to have it. The vast majority are women – around 85 to 97 per cent – and most develop the fear at around ten years old. I’ve spent my life avoiding theme parks and have never drunk to excess, even in my youth, so I wouldn’t throw up. I’ve also skipped countless social events after hearing someone recently had norovirus. It wasn’t just others; I was terrified of being sick myself. For years, I genuinely believed I could tell my brain not to throw up. The anxiety overcomes me, and my tactic has always been to stay away and avoid, avoid, avoid. For years, it worked. Even when a stomach bug took out my whole family one Christmas, I managed to avoid throwing up, despite intense nausea. Bryony has battled with emetophobia since she was a child Credit: Bryony Twydle An estimated two to seven per cent of people are thought to have emetophobia Credit: Bryony Twydle In my late twenties, I decided to seek help. Through the NHS, I was given cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). This included different tasks set by my therapist to build up my exposure to vomit and realise there was no reason to be scared. I began by watching a video of a girl on a rollercoaster throwing up. Initially I couldn’t stop crying and having panic attacks, but I re-watched it until I no longer felt scared by it. Then I sat in a car with a homemade vomit concoction to confront my fears of being in a car trapped with someone who’s sick. I faced all of it head on. Because of the worry about morning sickness, I’d been terrified of getting pregnant. But in January 2024, two years after my wedding, I felt I was mentally well enough to start trying for a baby. Life got difficult around that time, however. In March, we learned that my dad had bowel cancer and my grandmother had breast cancer. Then I caught norovirus while my husband was on a weekend away with friends. I couldn’t risk exposing my family. So, I tried to push through alone, but after 24 hours, I begged my husband to come home. For the first time since childhood, I couldn’t help but throw up, and I was sick about five times. The weird thing about this bout of sickness was that it didn’t seem to stop. Then I realised why. My period was two weeks late. I was pregnant. I told my family immediately. They were thrilled, and I desperately wanted to be strong for them, to give them something positive to look forward to during such a dark time. But inside, I was terrified. Was I ready for this? The answer, it turned out, was no. Stuffing bagels and grapes into my mouth at 2am, I tried desperately to counteract the constant nausea. While the vomiting may have stopped, the feeling of intense sickness hadn’t. It was non-stop. At seven weeks and racked with anxiety, I went to my GP, desperate for help. But I was told I couldn’t have anti-sickness medication because it was too early in my pregnancy. “Why don’t you try ginger?” they suggested. I left completely deflated. I wanted to be strong, but I started to spiral. I endured sleepless nights and, soon, the feelings that I just couldn’t go on started to concern my husband. Racked with suicidal thoughts, I reached out to crisis lines, but nobody seemed to understand emetophobia or the horror of my situation. I felt completely hopeless. Seeing how dangerously unwell I’d become, my husband stepped in. He made it clear that my safety was the priority, reminding me: “You don’t have to go through with this.” He wasn’t pushing for a termination; he was throwing me a lifeline. He could see how much I was struggling and said it was a valid option, so we could focus on me getting better. Never had I thought that would be something I would consider. I wanted this baby so much. It had been planned, and we desperately wanted a family. But as my mental health rapidly declined, we knew that there was no way forward. At eight weeks pregnant, in March 2024, I had a termination. The women at the abortion clinic were amazing. As I sat there sobbing, saying I felt so ashamed, they kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to go through with it. But I knew there was no way out. I took the tablet, and my husband brought me home, and I awaited the next painful 24 hours. Afterwards, I wasn’t sure whether I felt traumatised or relieved, but I stopped feeling sick within a few days, and I started to feel sane again. Although it was the right decision for us both, it didn’t mean that I wasn’t grieving the loss of a baby we both wanted. But it just wasn’t our time, and I wasn’t mentally well. Afterwards, I was so ashamed, fearful of what people would think of me. Since then, I’ve had hypnotherapy and CBT. I’ve even paid to sit in an office while being spun around in a chair, downing as much lemonade as I could to try and bring on the feelings of nausea and sickness to help cure me. But I still felt completely hopeless until I met a new therapist called Sally Baker in 2025. She helped me deal with my anxiety first, then the thoughts and feelings I had during pregnancy. I spoke to TV medic Dr Nighat Arif too, who explained that I had been let down by my GP and that I should have been given anti-sickness tablets. I was also told about Pregnancy Sickness Support, a charity which helps women during the debilitating early stages when you can feel that you’re not being listened to. I’ve learned you can’t avoid things forever and you’ve got to keep living. With all this in mind, we decided to start trying earlier this year again and, as luck would have it, I fell pregnant at 36. I had a tricky first trimester once more, but after meeting with different GPs and an obstetrician, I finally got the anti-sickness drugs I needed to support me in my pregnancy. Bryony urged others struggling with anxiety and phobias to reach out for support Credit: Bryony Twydle Bryony is now determined not to let her phobia hold her back Credit: Bryony Twydle There were lots of tears and the fear that history might repeat itself. But I am determined not to let this beat me, and the combination of additional medical help and my meds meant I made it through the first 12 weeks. Although I still have wobbles, I have faced my fears and got through the toughest period, and now I’m in my second trimester. I do sometimes think about what might have been. Right now, I just need to focus on getting myself through this pregnancy and looking after our little one that’s growing inside me. I want people to know that, whether you’re an emetophobe like me or struggling with morning sickness, there is support out there for you. If we need help, we shouldn’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for it.” For support with severe pregnancy sickness and hyperemesis gravidarum, visit Pregnancy Sickness Support at pregnanciesicknesssupport.org.uk. How to get help EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide It doesn’t discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers. It’s the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes. And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women. Yet it’s rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now. If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support: CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858 Heads Together,www.headstogether.org.uk HUMEN www.wearehumen.org Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393 Samaritans,www.samaritans.org, 116 123