How we rigged the elections, and won the Nobel Prize

Op-EdCalling in favors, we asked Nobel laureate Taylor Swift for suggestions on what we should call the political era that’s ending. She suggested the Junior High School era.As expected, the erudite Ms. Swift, who swept all six Nobel Prizes this year, nailed it: For the reign of Donald Drumpf and the 119th Congress, and their overdue collapse, were founded in emulation of a junior high school playground. Here are this year’s Nobel Prizes for junior high school.Literature : You can’t expect much from junior high school literature, and that is EXACLTY [sic] WHAT WE GOT for two years. The good news is that we here at Courthouse News have been awarded the prestigious freelance gig of writing the CliffsNotes Guide to what just happened.This will be easy, as we have hired Alfred E. Neuman as editorial assistant, who needed a job after slaving for two years as an aide to PEN CLAXTON [sic] in Texas. Claxton hired Mr. Neuman two years ago, as they wandered in a meadow, lonely as a clown.Economic Sciences : There are no economic sciences; there is only one with off-sprouts, if you can call it science. It’s more like a prediction game, which is tough, or a prediction game in hindsight, which is easier.Ms. Taylor, as we all know, won a billion dollars in economics, based on her singing and songwriting and brains. She played the game at doctoral level, while Drumpf and his flag football team remained in junior high school, tongues hanging out for anything.Chemistry : Drumpf managed to publicly masturbate his way into a second term, but when his droopy ass was laid out for all to see, like a patient etherized upon a table, it was clear to all but blind sheep that the end was approaching, like a pair of ragged claws, scuttling across the floor of silent seas.Physiology or Medicine : See “ass” above. Junior high school level.Physics : An understanding of physics, even basic physics, is more important than “physical education,” which, pace Pedro Hegseth and Roberto Kennedy, will not carry you too far along in life, unless you made it into the NFL or NBA, or the Drumpf White House.Peace : What is that? Is it worth it? When we’ve got all these cool bombs and missiles and aircraft carriers just hanging around?Donnie Drumpf just said he could have won the Vietnam war in a week, but I guess he decided to dodge the draft instead. I remember that.Me, I got a high number when they went to a lottery draft. That was the smartest thing Tricky Dick ever did: I remember pulling the newspaper out on a rainy morning and tearing it open to page 3 and seeing that my draft number was 330 something. So for me, personally, why resist? I was out of there.As for winning the Vietnam war, how could he do it with all them bone spurs? Maybe join the Viet Cong.In conclusion, we are still living under a junior high school administration, ruled by bullies who, just as in junior high, bluster and bully and brag, but when one tough little kid stands up to them, it turns out that the bully doesn’t know how to fight at all.(Author’s Note: Yes, I stole a few lines from T.S. Eliot. What are you gonna do about it?)Subscribe to our free newslettersOur weekly newsletter Closing Arguments offers the latest about ongoing trials, major litigation and rulings in courthouses around the U.S. and the world, while the monthly Under the Lights dishes the legal dirt from Hollywood, sports, Big Tech and the arts.Additional Reads