How to Spot an Incel in Plain Sight, According to Experts

I’ll never forget my first incel encounter. It was just last year in 2025. I had wrote a story entitled I thought by 34, I’d be married with kids. Instead, I just took a solo trip to my 90th country. I received a DM from a lovely follower saying, “This man made a hate video about you.” I clicked on the link and there it was: a man with a small following on YouTube had made a 25-minute video depicting my lifestyle, my body, my choices, which was entirely triggered by my published piece.Sometimes though, incels aren’t this upfront. So how exactly do you know when you’re interacting with one? Are the signs always obvious and noticeable right away, or are there more nuanced and subtle indicators to look out for? Below, two experts tell us all the signs to look out for when trying to spot an incel.What is an incel?It’s short for “involuntarily celibate” and in simple terms it’s a resentful person (overwhelmingly male, though not exclusive) that can’t get laid and takes it out on society, namely women. Incels are part of an online subculture where discussing ideologies rooted in misogyny are encouraged, often leading to extremist behavior.“It's important to understand that incel ideology doesn't just appear out of nowhere,” Rachel Overvoll, somatic sexologist and AASECT-certified sex educator. “It's part of a much larger online ecosystem—the manosphere—where misogyny is often packaged as dating advice, self-improvement, or men reclaiming their masculinity.”This shouldn’t be confused with the male loneliness epidemic; it’s important to keep the distinction separate. “Being lonely, struggling with dating, or not having sex doesn't automatically make someone an incel,” says pleasure educator Carly S. “Plenty of people experience those things without developing a deep resentment toward women.”Warning signs to look out forWhen it comes to identifying an incel, there are some clear indicators: “One of the biggest warning signs that someone might be involved in incel culture is how they talk about women,” says Carly S., who is also the owner of Horny Stoner.Overvoll agrees with Carly S., adding that it’s also necessary to “pay attention to how someone talks about rejection and boundaries,” she says. “Do they interpret rejection as an injustice rather than another person's right to make a choice? Do they use words or phrases like ‘high value,’ ‘chad,’ ‘golddigger,’ or ‘sexual gatekeeper?’ These are all phrases widely used in incel spaces.”How a man talks about violence against women is imperative info too. One thing you can evaluate, says Overvoll, is “do they believe women when women say they were harmed by a man, or do they make a case that it was the woman’s fault?”Sometimes, their algorithm will give it away. “It can start with content about confidence or relationships and gradually normalize the idea that women are the problem, that men are entitled to certain things from women, and that having power over a partner is somehow a sign of strength,” explains Overvoll. “That's what makes the red pill pipeline so concerning.”The potential harms of incelsIf you’ve seen Don’t Worry, Darling, then you know incels can literally go to extreme lengths. But while not every incel kidnaps you and straps you into an alternate-reality simulation like Harry Styles’s character did in the movie, there are other genuine concerns about them.“Entitlement breeds contempt,” Overvoll says. “When someone stops seeing their partner as an equal human being with their own needs and agency, the risk of [intimate partner violence] increases.”“Gaslighting is another concern,” Carly S. adds. “You could find yourself constantly having your feelings dismissed, being told you're overreacting, or being made to feel guilty for having perfectly reasonable expectations. Over time, that kind of behavior can really mess with your confidence and make you start questioning yourself.”