How to Make a Long-Distance Sex Life Feel Less Awkward

Being horny for someone who is currently hundreds (or thousands) of miles away is, objectively, inconvenient. You can't exactly roll over and initiate sex when your partner is in another state, country, or time zone, which means keeping your sex life going requires a little more creativity—and, potentially, a willingness to say things into your phone that would absolutely ruin your life if you accidentally sent them to the family group chat.But figuring out how to make long-distance sex work isn't just about finding substitutes for the things you'd normally do together IRL. There's also the awkwardness of it all. Sexting can make you suddenly forget every sexy word you've ever known. Phone sex can leave you wondering what you're supposed to say next. Video sex comes with the uniquely humbling experience of seeing yourself from an angle no human being was meant to witness.The good news is that long-distance sex isn't supposed to look like perfectly choreographed FaceTime porn. “The goal isn't perfection; the goal is connection,” says Erica Lemke, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist with Maven Clinic. And finding what actually feels hot and natural to you and your partner—whether that's sexting throughout the day, swapping voice notes, having virtual sex, or controlling a sex toy from across the country—can make the distance feel a whole lot less, well, distant.Ahead, sex experts explain what counts as long-distance sex, how to make virtual intimacy feel less awkward, and what to do when your libidos—or time zones—aren't exactly cooperating.What “Counts” as Long-Distance Sex?Long-distance sex is basically any way you and a partner connect sexually when you can't physically be in the same place. And no, that doesn't mean you need to strip down on FaceTime and suddenly develop the confidence of a professional cam performer.It can be as simple as sending a flirty text or telling your partner what you wish you were doing together right now. It can also mean sexting, swapping sexy voice notes or photos, having phone or video sex, masturbating together from afar, sharing fantasies, or using app-controlled toys that let one partner control the other's stimulation remotely.And what counts as “sex” from a distance is ultimately up to you. “Intimacy is not synonymous with sex,” says Lemke, noting that couples can maintain sexual and emotional connection in plenty of ways that don't necessarily end in an orgasm. The point isn't to recreate your in-person sex life pixel for pixel; it's to figure out what makes the two of you feel connected, desired, and turned on when you can't reach over and touch each other.How to Make It Feel Less AwkwardHere's the annoying truth about long-distance sex: The harder you try to make it incredibly hot, the more likely you are to end up hyperaware of yourself wondering, Am I doing phone sex correctly? Virtual intimacy can feel vulnerable precisely because you're missing some of the physical cues and spontaneity you'd normally rely on when you're together.So, lower the stakes. “Your partner is not a professional phone-sex operator, and you aren’t paying by the minute,” says Angie Rowntree, board-certified sexologist and founder of Sssh.com. You don't need a script, perfect lighting, or a filthy monologue prepared in advance. You just need to find ways of connecting that actually feel good to both of you.Start With Flirting, Not Full-On Virtual SexGoing directly from “How was your day?” to “Okay, take your clothes off” can give anyone sexual whiplash. Instead, let desire build before you're officially Doing Long-Distance Sex.Rowntree recommends starting with low-pressure flirting throughout the day: a suggestive text, a memory of something you've done together, or even something as simple as, “Tell me one thing you miss about my body.” Ruby Rare, a sex educator and intimacy expert for Feeld, similarly recommends maintaining an “undercurrent of flirtation” so every sexual interaction doesn't have to start from zero.Basically, foreplay can begin hours before anyone opens FaceTime. And when you've already spent the day reminding each other that you're hot, transitioning into something more sexual can feel a lot less like someone just announced, “Okay! Phone sex starts...now.”Practice Solo FirstIf the thought of getting sexual on camera or talking dirty into a phone makes you want to immediately fake a Wi-Fi outage, get comfortable with yourself first. Masturbation gives you a chance to figure out what turns you on when your partner isn't physically there—and what you might want to communicate to them when they are virtually there.Rare recommends voice notes as a lower-pressure alternative to live phone or video sex because you can record them on your own time without having to immediately react to another person. You can even record one without sending it, just to get used to saying out loud what you'd normally communicate through touch.The goal isn't to rehearse until you're ready for your virtual-sex debut. It's to make expressing desire from a distance feel a little less foreign before there's someone waiting on the other end.Find the Type of Long-Distance Sex That Feels Right for YouYou do not have to become a sexting person simply because your relationship is long-distance. Maybe typing “I want you so bad” makes you cringe, but whispering it into a voice note does things for you. Maybe video sex is your nightmare, but masturbating together on the phone is hot. Maybe you love swapping fantasies or letting your partner control an app-connected sex toy from 800 miles away.Add Cosmopolitan as a preferred source in your Google search results.Use your Google account to add this to your settings.Experiment with different formats and pay attention to what actually feels sexy rather than what you think long-distance sex is supposed to look like. Rowntree recommends mixing things up, while Rare notes that partners may naturally prefer different ways of connecting sexually.You also don't have to pick one forever. Tonight might be sexting; next week might be video sex. What works can change depending on your mood, schedule, or how you want to connect.Talk About What You Want Before You’re HornySome conversations are much easier to have before anyone's pants are off—even virtually. Lemke recommends what she calls “Kitchen Table Talk”: discussing your sexual wants, boundaries, expectations, and concerns in a neutral setting rather than trying to sort them out in the middle of a sexual encounter.Talk about what you're both comfortable doing, what you'd rather keep off-camera, whether photos or videos can be saved, and how you'll handle it when one person wants to get sexual and the other doesn't. If you're using connected toys or sharing intimate content digitally, Rowntree also stresses being explicit about privacy and consent, including who has access to what and what happens to intimate content afterward.It might not sound like foreplay, but knowing you can say “not tonight” or “please don't save that” without making things weird can make it a whole lot easier to relax when you are in the mood.Embrace the Cringe MomentsAt some point, the Wi-Fi will lag. Someone will accidentally talk over the other person. Your phone will fall over at the worst possible moment. You will catch a glimpse of yourself on-screen and wonder why your camera has apparently been placed inside your nostril.Laugh.Trying to pretend those moments aren't happening only makes them feel more awkward. Lemke recommends approaching tech mishaps and other weird moments with humor rather than treating them as evidence that the whole encounter has been ruined.Long-distance sex involves technology, bodies, and two actual humans, so perfection was never really on the table. Sometimes laughing together for five minutes after your phone falls off the nightstand is part of the intimacy.Don’t Forget the AftercareJust because the sex happened through a screen doesn't mean you need to close the laptop the second it's over. Lemke recommends building in aftercare after virtual sex just as you might after sex in person, whether that means staying on the phone, talking about how you feel, cuddling your respective pillows while you chat, or simply saying what you liked about what just happened.That transition can be especially important when you're long-distance because you can't physically reach for each other afterward. Taking a few extra minutes to reconnect can keep virtual sex from feeling like a transaction that ended the second someone came.What If One of You Isn’t in the Mood?One of the uniquely annoying things about long-distance sex is that your schedules and your libidos don't necessarily consult each other. Rare says mismatched desire is normal, especially when you're navigating different schedules, time zones, and stress levels. Instead of treating every available window as an opportunity you need to capitalize on, talk about what you each need to actually get into a sexual headspace. For one person, that might mean flirting throughout the day; for another, it might mean knowing ahead of time that you've set aside a night to connect.And remember that scheduling intimacy doesn't mean scheduling mandatory sex. Lemke recommends making time for connection without attaching an expectation that it has to become sexual every time. You can flirt, talk, watch something together, share a fantasy, or just be close from afar without anyone needing to get naked.There may also be stretches when long-distance sex isn't happening much at all. Rare describes these as “fallow periods,” and says they don't automatically signal a problem with the relationship. Desire can ebb and flow whether you live 1,000 miles apart or share a bed every night.Ultimately, keeping a long-distance sex life alive isn't about hitting some imaginary quota of sexts, orgasms, or horny FaceTimes. It's about finding ways to stay connected that work for the actual two people in the relationship—even when one of you would very much like to have phone sex and the other would very much like to go to bed.