How to give your state-school child that private-school polish, by experts

Just six per cent of children go to private school in Britain, but they still go on to have most of the powerful and influential roles in British society. The Sutton Trust finds that those in the most important positions in industries ranging from politics to business to media are five times as likely to have attended a fee-paying school than the general population. They tend to earn more and work in higher-paid sectors. But private school students are not inherently more academic than state school students. In 2018, Robert Plomin, a research professor in behavioural genetics at King’s College London, found that, when you simply looked at natural ability, a privately educated child’s GCSE results would be little different from their peers at a comprehensive. There are also plenty of average private schools which have nothing on an outstanding state school, and the reverse is also true. Yet, what certainly remains the case is that a private education tends to give kids social capital, resources, networks – and a certain kind of confidence. If you’re one of the vast majority of parents whose child is at a state school, how can you (cheaply) give your child some of that pricey private school edge? What tricks can you steal? How, in a time of oversubscribed higher education courses and an intensely competitive job market, can you help your child stand out? Shorts Talk to your children – and then talk some more Don’t underestimate the power of communication, says Sarah Skelton, co-founder of Flourish, a recruitment and training company. She is state-school educated, while her child is at a private school. “My daughter’s only 13,” she says, “I do not remember being as eloquent and as confident as she is, and that is not my parenting. That is definitely down to her school, where there’s a lot of public speaking, and attention paid to how you articulate yourself. The kids are composed and confident. As a recruiter, I’m always impressed by good communication; it’s a key skill.” Amy Gaunt is Director of Education at Voice 21, a national oracy charity. “It’s not about speaking the Queen’s English, or having a particular accent, or saying everything perfectly,” she says, “it’s about encouraging your children to engage with others through speaking, listening and communication. “We want children to be agile communicators, so they know how to communicate in the context of a job interview, or speak in front of an audience, or defend ideas in the playground. The more we expose children to different ways of speaking, we give them the confidence to engage with people in different situations.” Recruiter Sarah Skelton says, ‘Private school kids are composed and confident. As a recruiter, I’m always impressed by good communication’ Literacy and communication skills are vitally important in the workplace, with higher levels ofessential skills such as speaking, listening, leadership and teamwork being associated withhigher incomes and reducing the probability of being out of work. According to The National Literacy Trust, such skills are highly valued by employers, and in 2022, Teach First found that broad “soft skills” such as communication and presenting, as well as literacy and numeracy skills, were among the topfactors considered by employers when recruiting young people. Whether it’s chatting about the news, or simply what’s been going on during the day, all conversation is helpful and important. Gaunt suggests talking to your child’s school if you want more support with this. At home, you can try role-playing different situations, like a job interview, and also ask them open-ended questions at home, like “What was the best part of your day?” Experts also suggest playing games such as Articulate, or writing preposterous or controversial ideas onto bits of paper and putting them in a hat or colander, such as “schools should open at night instead of the day”, and then let that spark a fun, lively conversation. Gaunt adds: “You might also reflect at home with them on different kinds of conversation and tones you’ve heard while out and about, and in ordinary daily life.” Get them learning a language – it doesn’t matter which one Hashi Mohamed came to the UK aged nine, as an unaccompanied child refugee. He went to a struggling comprehensive in North-West London, and is now a top barrister and author of People Like Us: What it Takes to Make it in Modern Britain. “Languages are crucial,” he says, “and if you can find a way of ensuring that your child speaks at least two other languages, I can’t tell you how profoundly powerful that is for that child. Their empathy, their sense of self, their ability to have new experiences, languages make such a massive difference.” Barrister and author Hashi Mohamed says, “Languages are extra – and once your kid has access to multiple languages, they can have more experiences, and a better sense of self” Mohamed speaks English, Somali and French. While 69 per cent of Year 11 pupils at the most prosperous state schools are studying a language for GCSE, just 47 per cent of those at the least affluent are. In general, the popularity and provision of GCSE languages is dipping, and German remains the hardest-hit language despite being the most sought-after language by employers. “If you think you’re going to help them stand out in today’s world by hot-housing them to pass exams, and do extra tuition, then you’re mistaken,” says Mohamed. “That stuff is all baseline. Languages are extra – and once your kid has access to multiple languages, they can have more experiences and a better sense of self.” Research shows that getting to grips with different linguistic frameworks helps build cognitive flexibility, empathy and self-esteem. Think about who you know – do some networking for your kids “If you’re in private secondary school,” says Skelton, “there’ll be parents there who have jobs that warrant private school fees, and pupils have access to people in careers that you might not necessarily get in the state system – then, that gives you a network.” So, it’s worth trying to recreate that as much as possible by thinking about the people in your life, and who might give your child some helpful, up-to-date advice. “A week ago, I was back in my hometown up North,” says Sarah, “and I caught up with a school friend, whose 18-year-old has just done T-Levels [technical qualifications equivalent to A-Levels], and she asked me to give him some advice. Most of what I said hadn’t occurred to him, because you don’t know what you don’t know, and if you’ve not had guidance, how on earth is someone coming out of state education, especially in more rural parts, going to know what opportunities exist, and how to get them? It’s just thinking about whether someone you know might know someone else, who might be in the right professional world to have a chat with your child.” Sarah’s other advice is that young people who are looking for work, get on LinkedIn. “It’s another way to make your own network,” she says, “and it’s underrated. It’s often used very much as a professional business platform, but people don’t really seem to get on it, until they’ve landed the job.” Tell your child they can do anything – even if you know they can’t Professor Francis Green, from the UCL Institute of Education, found that private schools tend to teach pupils to believe the world is their oyster. “Compared with state school pupils in Britain,” his research found, “private school pupils are ‘taught to dream big’, according to many education commentators, and seem to do well because of that.” So, how can you make your child believe that they can do anything? “I’m not going to sit there and tell my kids they can’t be astronauts, or professional footballers,” says Mohamed, “so I tell them, ‘yes, yes, you can’. It’s important to say this to them, especially when they’re young, to give them the confidence, to not fear trying something. Then your job as the parent is to figure out what they’re actually good at, how their mind works. But in the meantime, let them think they can do anything.” Keep your child optimistic There is no evidence that private school pupils have better mental health or wellbeing than state school pupils, but all children do better when they’re optimistic. It ensures they have greater motivation and resilience when they apply for higher education, apprenticeships, or jobs. Matthew Burton is the head teacher of Thornhill Community Academy in Wakefield, Yorkshire – the school that also features in Channel 4’s fly-on-the-wall hit Educating Yorkshire. “What I see from kids day in, day out,” he says, “is that they’re often naturally ambitious, funny and kind, and they want the world to be a wonderful place. Switching on the news, seeing constant updates, can be really difficult for them, and what we want is a future where they’re able to thrive and have optimism.” Burton suggests charging your children’s mobile phones outside of their bedroom, so that there isn’t a temptation to scroll until the early hours. Set mobile-phone-free places in the home, whether that’s meal times on a particular day, or phones going on the hallway table when they arrive home. Matthew Burton is the head teacher of Thornhill Community Academy in Wakefield and says ‘Kids want a future where they’re able to thrive and have optimism’ Encourage your child to get a part-time job, or some work experience “When I was at school,” says Skelton, “I was forced to get a job, as that’s just what you did. I worked in a pub in the evenings, and that’s where I learnt to talk to people. The real challenge is that there aren’t so many of those jobs available at the moment to young people. Try and get your teenager into retail or hospitality, because they’re the easiest jobs to learn brilliant transferable skills, whether it’s in a fast-paced environment, dealing with angry customers, talking to people, thinking on your feet, or managing long hours. There is no employer out there that doesn’t want somebody willing to graft and work under pressure. It might not be easy to get, but it can be confidence-building and impressive for future employers.” Give your children profound experiences – and that doesn’t mean half term in the Maldives “One of the best things I believe I can do for my kids is to expose them to as many rich experiences as possible,” says Mohamed, “I personally don’t have a particular ideological issue with sending my kids to private school at all, but I don’t think it’s value for money. I don’t think they’re going to learn anything that I couldn’t teach them. I don’t think the teachers are any better than the state school system, and I just think I’d much rather spend all that money on experiences than pay some school fees. “I’m taking my two young sons on the Caledonian Sleeper in October half term,” he says, “I want to recreate something like that for my kids every couple of months, to try and help them build their confidence. This is the stuff that they’ll use to start a conversation with someone, build up their personalities, open their horizons. “The experiences don’t have to cost money; I count showing kids an amazing new park as a profound experience too. I believe that by exposing them to as many different people, environments, opportunities and skill sets as possible, the better their chances of success will be.”