Help! This “Trend” in Party Planning Made Me Miss My Friend’s Bachelor Party. I’m So Annoyed.

Dear Prudence Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by HbrH/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here. Dear Prudence, About a month ago, I received a text message about an upcoming bachelor party for a close friend. Due to my own forgetfulness and being quite busy with grad school and work, I forgot all about it and didn’t reply. I completely forgot about it until the day before the event, when the groom told me that something was planned for him the next day, but he didn’t know what. I contacted the person planning the event to see if it was too late for me to attend and sadly discovered that it was. I know that I am to blame for not responding to the event, but I’m feeling a little annoyed at the planner. One text? That was all I got. Doesn’t a bachelor party require a little bit of effort on the organizer’s part to coordinate with friends (a group email, or at least a second text to remind the person)? In addition, my partner is equally good friends with the groom and didn’t get a message at all (only a mention in my first text). Now both of us are missing a very good friend’s bachelor party because of one missed text. Does this land squarely on my shoulders? I’m feeling angry, but maybe I am just mad at myself for forgetting. —Missing the Party Dear Missing the Party, I think you are mostly just mad at yourself for forgetting! It’s very rare in life that we are 100 percent wrong while someone else is 100 percent right, but don’t let the fact that there are always imperfect scores to be doled out on all sides obscure the pertinent fact, which is that you failed to respond to the initial invitation. It would have been great if the organizer had followed up with a reminder, but the primary breakdown in communication originated with you, and no subsequent rudeness on anyone else’s part can change that fact. You missed out on something you wanted to attend because you didn’t prioritize it. I can certainly sympathize! That’s happened to me. Let the sting of missing out propel you to change the way you respond to future invitations. —Danny M. Lavery From: Help! My Girlfriend Won’t Donate to Harvey Victims Because Some of Them Voted for Trump. (August 28th, 2017). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I have a good friend from college. We grew up in the same town but met at school and were very close through college and the five years after. She still lives in our hometown and I have had to move due to my husband’s job. She is habitually flaky and often has been oddly unsupportive of my life choices (getting married, having a baby after being married for six years). She has never visited me despite the fact that I made it a priority to see her whenever we were in town. Last time I visited home, I didn’t let her know. She found out via a group email we are on and expressed surprise that she missed my visit. I have wrestled with feelings of anger toward her lack of support and follow through for years. Can I keep on ghosting her without guilt? —Can I Ghost? Dear Ghost, Sure you can! If you don’t think you two would benefit from a heart-to-heart conversation, or if you’re not interested in repairing the relationship, you can absolutely match her flakiness and let your friendship turn into the kind where you email one another twice a year and say, “Can’t believe I missed you again! Lunch next time you’re in town? Hope all’s well, etc.” Not everyone stays close with their college friends, and if she’s been distancing herself from you for years, there’s no reason why you can’t take her cue and step back too. You can also talk to her about this, if you want. You don’t have to, but it’s an option, especially if you already feel like the friendship is mostly over—you don’t have much to lose. —D.M.L. From: Help! My Sister’s Fiancé Is Cheating on Her. Here’s Why I Might Not Tell Her. (August 22nd, 2017). Dear Prudence, One of my colleagues, “Amanda,” recently left our company. Amanda and I worked closely over the past few months, as I’m relatively new to this position. “Rachel,” our manager, said that she thinks I’d be a good replacement and that Amanda had herself suggested me before she left. Rachel emphasized that I shouldn’t feel pressure to accept, that the position wasn’t even posted yet, but that I should think about it; I said I appreciated it and wanted to discuss the idea further. She said it was a role they had made specifically for Amanda and that the position could be reshaped. The problem is that Amanda was almost always the first one in and the last one out. Other colleagues have said things like, “It was only a matter of time before she burned out” and joked that I’m “smiling now” but won’t be once I’m staying at the office every night until 9 p.m. I’ve already been given a lot of Amanda’s old tasks while we search for her replacement, and it’s become clear that a lot of her time was taken up by project management (as opposed to the creative title in her job description). The good news is that we’ve recently hired a new director, and they are looking to add a project manager. What is an appropriate way and time to bring up my many concerns about Amanda’s workload? Should I do that with Rachel, the new director, both together, or both separately? Additionally, I’m not sure that this is an official promotion, since both Amanda and I reported to the same person. What’s the best way (and time) to discuss a raise? I don’t want to seem presumptuous, since it’s not like I have the job already. I want to create a document that lists some of the pain points in the new position and a corresponding list of solutions I propose. However, is that information I should only present once I have the job? —Jumping the Gun Dear Jumping the Gun, Since you’ve already been given a significant portion of Amanda’s former workload, the time to bring up those concerns is now. It sometimes happens at work that one absorbs extra duties after a colleague leaves, and it’s often an opportunity to demonstrate new skills, but it can also be overwhelming and get in the way of one’s own job description. Get a sense for how much time each day you’re spending on your own work as well as Amanda’s, present the breakdown to Rachel, and ask what she wants you to prioritize. It’s fine to want to spend a little more time at work to prove yourself, but you shouldn’t get in the habit of staying at the office until 9 every night. As for the rest of your concerns, I think it’s best to wait until the job is actually posted and you’ve decided to apply before bringing them up. If at any point Rachel or the new director asks for your input (given that Rachel’s encouraged you to apply and has stressed the flexible nature of the position, I think that’s fairly likely), you can share your list of problems you’ve identified and their corresponding solutions. Once the opening is posted, ask yourself if the job description seems reasonable, well-defined, and suited to your professional interests. And if you decide to apply, do some research about the compensation other companies offer for similar positions, decide what you think would be a reasonable amount of money to ask for, then bring that up during the interview process. Good luck! —D.M.L. From: Help! I Found My Biological Father, but My Mom Wants Me to Forget Him. (August 24th, 2017). Classic Prudie My wife and I are almost 30: We’ve been friends since we were about 12, a couple since 18, and married since 22. Neither of us has ever dated anyone else, but now I’m thinking it might be that time. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Family