Help! Our Expecting Daughter-in-Law Just Made an Eye-Popping “Announcement.”

Dear Prudence I’m judging them. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Oct 28, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by majivecka/Adobe Stock and Adobe Stock. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I am a retired teacher and mother of four. My second husband has mobility issues but is sharp as a tack. He speaks multiple languages, and we fill our days by volunteering at our local community center that has a large immigrant population. We help with transportation and work as interpreters for school and medical settings. It is exhausting but rewarding. My son and his wife live locally and just announced they are expecting. My other grandchildren live on the opposite coast. We regularly talk but only visit twice a year. My daughter-in-law rather lazily announced that I should be “wrapping up” my volunteer work because she expected me to be “hands-on” when the baby gets here. She doesn’t “trust” sitters or strangers like daycare workers. I said I would be happy to be there in an emergency or if they wanted a date night, but I already raised four children. She got angry and accused my husband and me of being selfish and putting “those people” over our own flesh and blood. My husband asked her to clarify what she meant, and she backtracked. Now my son and his wife are very distant and cold. It is so noticeable that my other children have asked about it, and I deflected. What should I do here? My husband and I volunteer, but she’s asking us to run after someone with little legs for eight to 10 hours. And my son and his wife had enough money to buy a vacation home last year. I am trying but failing not to judge them when I have parents working three jobs to send their kids to college or college students choosing between classes or interviewing doctors for their parents. Help! —Good Work Dear Good Work, You’re not wrong. Your daughter-in-law’s assumption that you were going to be available to provide full, on-demand childcare is pretty outrageous. And trusting someone who does not want to watch a baby over a professional is nonsense. It’s great that the pregnancy is in its early stages, because the parents-to-be have plenty of time left to figure out another plan. That said, while your life is yours to live and your volunteer efforts sound worthy and important, I encourage you to be thoughtful about the kind of relationship you want to have with family, and about the possible long-term emotional repercussions of your “I already raised my kids” stance. Our society hasn’t done a great job of figuring out child care, and you’re correct that that’s a problem for your son and his wife to handle right now and not your direct responsibility. But the other thing that’s really lacking is support for older adults. Aging can be tough, both emotionally and financially. I hear from many grandparents who feel lonely and detached from their adult kids, and many who are struggling with piecing together the care they need, which is very expensive if a loved one doesn’t step up to provide it for free. I’m not saying you should think about this in a purely transactional way (“Do the babysitting now, so they’ll drive you to doctor’s appointments and include you in holiday plans in 20 years”), but just that you should see the role you play in their lives now and your willingness to extend yourself as part of a larger story, and try to cultivate the kind of connection that makes all of you feel less alone. You say your volunteer work is “exhausting but rewarding,” and it’s worth considering whether a slightly warmer and more generous response to the needs of new parents might be described in the same way. Classic Prudie I love my house, which I bought about four years ago. I feel comfortable, peaceful, calm, and happy in it. I lived here about a year before one day my neighbor across the street asked if I knew about the woman “who died there years ago.” I said “No!” with utter surprise, and he began to scold the realtors for not disclosing the details. Advice Dear Prudence