Help! My In-Laws Are Coming to Thanksgiving, and I’m Very Concerned About What They Plan to “Contribute.”

Dear Prudence This is not the holiday vibe I’m after. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Nov 05, 202612:29 PM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, Thanksgiving is about a month away, and I am not looking forward to it. This year is my and my husband’s turn to host, and special occasions for my in-laws are always affairs that involve significant amounts of alcohol. They even bring their own in case it’s not provided by their host (they offer to share, but it’s obvious who it’s really for). The end result is always at least a few of them ending up unconscious by the end of the evening. What’s the best way of dealing with someone who passes out? —Readying the Wheelbarrow Dear Wheelbarrow, I’m not sure whether you’re saying these relatives literally pass out unconscious, or that they just get drunk and then get tired and then fall asleep on the couch. If it’s the former, that’s pretty serious—and the fact that most of the resources I found with advice for this scenario are aimed at college students, not adults hosting family meals, affirms that you’re not dealing with normal behavior here. I’ll share the “Basic Principles for Helping an Intoxicated Friend” advice from the University of Virginia’s Gordie Center (which I guess uses “puking” instead of vomiting to speak to its intended audience) here: If the person has passed out, first check for any of the PUBS signs of alcohol overdose: · Puking while passed out · Unresponsive to pinching or shaking · Breathing is noisy, slow, shallow, or has stopped · Skin is blue, cold, or clammy. If the person has darker skin, check for pale lips or nail beds.If you see even one PUBS sign of alcohol overdose at any time, call 911 immediately.If you’re unsure, call the National Poison Center hotline at 1-800-222-1222 for free, expert medical advice 24/7.If you are impaired, enlist the help of a sober friend to ensure clear decision-making.If you have any doubt about an intoxicated person’s safety, err on the side of caution and call 911. I just wanted to cover the emergency medical side of things before moving on to the other, less serious dilemma, which is about how to manage guests whose Thanksgiving gratitude is mostly about liquor and who celebrate by getting trashed and then get sleepy. Luckily there’s no hotline to call and no acronym to remember what to do. In fact, you can just let your husband deal with his own drooling, snoring relatives. If you two are okay with having them around, he can throw blankets over them and place bottles of water near them and plan for a greasy hangover breakfast where they’ll probably want mimosas. If not, he can shake them awake and drive them home and or call an Uber. And if the whole situation seems like it will ruin the holiday for you, it’s perfectly fine to ask him to let them know that you’re not up for hosting—and, depending on how blunt he’s willing to be, explain that the level of alcohol consumption isn’t something you’re comfortable with. Alternatively, change dinner to brunch with the hope that they won’t be able to consume enough liquor between the hours of 11 and 1 to end up horizontal. (Many families serve the Thanksgiving meal in the early-to-mid afternoon anyway, so your doing so wouldn’t be strange, and you wouldn’t even have to change the menu.) They can head to the bars afterward, and your living room won’t look like a frat house on a Sunday morning. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, This is a bit embarrassing, but I am a 42-year-old woman who has always had difficulty expressing appreciation for gifts, and it has led to more than a few people feeling insulted. With the holidays approaching, I am dreading offending my co-workers in the new office I’ve recently joined during the gift exchange. One of my friends said if I can fake an orgasm, I can fake holiday cheer. To me that feels rather disingenuous. Should I be myself, or is she right and it would be better to feign enthusiasm? —Bad Actress Dear Bad Actress, You can definitely muster a “Thank you so much! This is so nice/cute/funny/useful” followed by a smile, a look in the gift giver’s eye, and “I really appreciate it.” No need to change your personality or even the octave of your voice or level of cheer. If your sense is that your vibe is so deeply somber that you won’t be able to be convincing, follow up with a handwritten note. Without being disingenuous, you can write “Thank you so much for the [adjective] gift. It was so kind of you and I really appreciate your thoughtfulness.” Then add a sentence about how or when you plan to use the gift. If you hate it and are going to bring it to a white elephant exchange, skip that and say something that vaguely connects you to the present without lying. “You know I love to read!” “Thanks for remembering that I’m obsessed with snacks.” “It’s always fun to be introduced to explore a new candle scent.” Note that you didn’t say you loved the book, thought the white chocolate covered peppermint pretzels were edible, or enjoyed a pumpkin-pine aroma. Now, switch your focus to the gift giver with something like “I hope you and your family have a great holiday season” or “I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, and I’m looking forward to working together more in the new year.” Some people who read this letter are going to tell me you’re neurodivergent. I’m not in a position to diagnose, obviously, but I will say that if you peruse social media posts by adults who are diagnosed with autism late in life, you will, regardless of your personal place on the spectrum, find that you’re not alone when it comes to grappling with expectations to emote and behave in ways that don’t come naturally to you. Want more Prudie? Slate Plus members get an additional column each week. Sign up for Slate Plus now. Dear Prudence, I once had a houseguest here when I was serving a tray of brownies. As I was cutting them in the kitchen, she told me how much she loved the edges. Sure, fine. When I brought the tray to the table, she proceeded to break the edges off of several brownies, putting them back on the tray afterward. I can see doing this in your own house, but at a table with 10 guests? I was so flabbergasted I didn’t say anything at the time, though I aggressively wrapped up the affected brownies to send home with her afterwards. What do I say if this happens again? —Just Pick a Corner Dear Just Pick, “What the hell are you doing?” “Were you raised in a barn?” and “Excuse me, nobody wants food that you’ve touched!” would all be appropriate, but probably not great for cultivating a continued relationship with the brownie edge grabber, if that is what you want. Is it what you want? I always find it hard to believe that a person does just one totally socially inappropriate weird thing in isolation and behaves normally in all other parts of their life. But if this houseguest hasn’t also picked her nose and wiped it on the wall next to her bed, showed up in the morning wearing a sweater of yours that she helped herself to, or told your spouse she had an X-rated dream about them, you probably just want to avoid a confrontation and make sure it doesn’t happen again. This is similar to the way I have learned from (very messy) experience to decant small amounts of ketchup and soy sauce instead of giving my 4-year-old access to the entire container. Next time she comes over, everyone gets a single brownie on a plate. And please give her one with edges so she doesn’t steal from the person seated next to her. Classic Prudie I just got out of the wreckage of a five-year marriage. My husband blatantly carried on an affair for two years with a young woman I considered my protégé. I counseled her on her career, recommended her special projects, and invited her into my home. I came home unexpectedly early one day and found them together in bed. Apparently everyone knew—neighbors, colleagues, mutual friends. I was so humiliated, I fled town, transferred to out of state, and only communicated to my ex via my lawyer. A few friends kept me informed—she was pregnant, they were engaged, and just waiting for the ink to dry so they could have a wedding. Then my ex drove drunk and ended up crashing into a semi. Advice Dear Prudence