Help! I Surprised My Messy Boyfriend With a Deep Cleaning. The Outrageous Thing He Said About It Could Not Have Been Weirder.

Dear Prudence When I decided to help out with his pigsty, I certainly didn’t expect this! Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Oct 31, 20268:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by evolvect/Getty Images Plus and Meeko Media/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I love my boyfriend, but his apartment is a pig sty. I try not to hold it against him because he works long hours at a physically demanding job and switches back and forth between day and night shifts every few weeks. He is in a near constant state of exhaustion and sleep deprivation, so I understand why his chores are often neglected. Recently, I went to his apartment and cleaned it top to bottom while he was at work, to help him out a bit. He didn’t mention anything about it after he got home, which I thought was odd, but I figured he’d bring it up eventually. A few days later he invited me over for dinner and said he had a surprise for me. When I arrived, he gleefully led me around his newly spotless apartment. When he asked what I thought, I was speechless. He told me he thought I’d be happy that he finally cleaned up! I asked him what the hell he was talking about and told him that I had spent hours cleaning his apartment a few days prior. I have never seen someone “blanch” before in real life, but he literally went white. He eventually cobbled together an explanation and said that he must have dreamt about cleaning his apartment, and that he’s been so sleep deprived lately he thought it was real. His explanation is absurd to me. The only plausible one I can think of is that he has another woman in his life and she took credit when he asked her about it. He swears there’s no one else and that he really thought he had done it himself. I would never normally ask this but I requested to look through his phone and he refused. I think it’s pretty clear that he thought his other girlfriend cleaned his apartment, and he wanted to take credit. He is begging for another chance, and he has been an amazing boyfriend until now. Is there any chance he’s telling the truth? —Dream Clean Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Dream Clean, This is the most original way I’ve heard to get caught cheating so congrats to your boyfriend. I suppose there’s a possibility that he really believes he cleaned, and needs a brain scan to determine what’s going on with his memory. But even if that’s the case, you believe he has another girlfriend and he isn’t willing to do much to ease your mind. Oh, and to add insult to injury, he’s a slob. I think you can go ahead and end this. Dear Prudence, My husband and I have been married for 17 years. Between us, we brought six children into our blended family, and we’ve always considered all of them, along with our eight grandchildren, to be one family. Recently, two relatives planning weddings invited only my biological children and grandchildren, not my husband’s. One cited limited space; the other said she doesn’t really know my stepchildren. While I understand that couples can choose their guest lists, I was hurt that my family was divided this way, especially after so many years. In my large extended family, stepchildren and other blended-family members have always been considered full family members, even when relationships weren’t especially close. That’s why this feels personal. I don’t plan to tell my husband because I know it would hurt him. I also don’t want to damage relationships with my sister or niece. Am I wrong to feel hurt by this? If not, how can I address these feelings without harming family relationships? —Feels like Half My Family Doesn’t Count Dear Doesn’t Count, Wedding guest list decisions can be pretty brutal, so I encourage you to resist taking this personally or feeling overly hurt by it. But that doesn’t mean you have to accept it or do anything that feels like disregard for your family. You should also RSVP “No.” If asked for an explanation, the truth: “We wouldn’t feel right bringing some of our children and grandchildren and excluding others.” As a bonus to avoid harming family relationships, add “We completely understand that guest lists involve tough decisions. And I wanted to let you know as soon as possible so that you could fill those spaces with others.” And send a gift. Dear Prudence, Why all the jokes about my growing bald spot? I don’t go around pointing out to women that they’re flat chested or have thunder thighs. —Over It Dear Over It, You’re right that this really isn’t fair. I do think there’s an explanation for the fact that men are more likely to be teased about hair or weight or other physical issues: We all know that in our society, women’s value has historically been tightly linked to attractiveness, whereas appearance doesn’t have the same power to define a man’s worth. Think about how male celebrities can still be seen as attractive—and even more refined—when they show signs of aging, while women tend to be torn apart for noticeable wrinkles (or noticeable efforts to get rid of them). So, in the minds of many, teasing about a man’s hairline doesn’t carry the same charge as a joke about a woman’s weight, because of the idea that your bald spot won’t keep you from love or opportunities or respect the way a woman’s body size might. But of course, that’s a huge generalization and it doesn’t take into account your personal feelings about your hair. Would you feel comfortable saying something like “I know you’re joking, but I’m actually really struggling with losing my hair” or “That’s kind of a sensitive topic for me” in response to the comments? You could increase awareness and get your point across—without talking about anyone’s “thunder thighs.” Catch up on this week’s Prudie. More Advice From Slate My in-laws are kind, delightful people, and I enjoy spending time with them, except on Christmas. Their family tradition is for everyone to take turns unwrapping gifts. Last year, we unwrapped gifts for almost two hours, stopped for lunch, and then unwrapped gifts for another hour after lunch. Each person receives a modest number of gifts, so it’s not quantity that is causing the problem. The recipient is expected to carefully unpackage and read product instructions before moving along to the next gift, and, when there are no instructions or awkward packaging, the recipient will wax poetic for 10 minutes about how the sweater reminds them of their deceased grandmother’s beloved cocker spaniel, etc. My husband agrees it is out of hand, but we don’t know how to politely speed things along. Any advice, or do we just need to keep quiet? Advice Dear Prudence