Help! I Just Got a Surprise Inheritance That Could Solve All Our Problems. My Wife … Doesn’t Want It?

Dear Prudence I don’t know what to do with her. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Nov 12, 20266:00 AM Photo illlustration by Slate. Photo by DragonImages/Getty Images Plus and Ivengo/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I inherited a rowhouse in a different city, and while there is public transportation, it is unreliable at best. My wife grew up in the Northeast and never learned to drive. It was never an issue until now. She is sticking her head in the sand and refusing to even consider driving. Our careers are both flexible and remote. Rent is insane where we live, and we will never be able to afford a place of our own, even if we sell the house. She argues that she will just Uber everywhere she needs to go and get groceries delivered. This is just a waste of money in my opinion, with the prices of everything rising. And Uber isn’t going to be up and running in a natural disaster. This move makes the best possible sense for us both. We’ve been putting off kids because there is no room in our shoebox studio to fit a cat, let alone a kid. I understand her being nervous, but not this intense denial. —Moving On Up Dear Moving, Let’s just get this out of the way: If you move to a city where you need a car to reliably get around, then yes, you should learn how to drive. If you do that and plan to have kids, then doubly yes, you should learn how to drive. If you do that and plan to have kids and hold any latent fears about what you would do in the event of some kind of apocalypse where you need to leave town fast, then triply yes, you should learn how to drive. But I suspect there’s something else at play here. Does your wife even want to move? You list all the reasons why the move would make the most sense for you two, but you did not indicate anywhere that she agrees with you. Maybe she likes your shoebox studio in the city of her choice! Her apparent refusal to entertain the notion of driving could be due to nerves, but it could also be an excuse to lessen the appeal of moving to a place she has no interest in. Find out what’s really going on and, from there, come to a decision together that you can both live with. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I’m a big believer in the value of a tactful social lie. My girlfriend doesn’t feel the same. Recently, we were at a wedding. The next day she said she was tired of people and didn’t want to go to wedding brunch. I feel like that sometimes too, so I understand. I went alone. She was the only missing guest, so everyone asked about her. I said she wasn’t feeling up to it and was sleeping in a bit. When she joined us toward the end of the meal, people asked how she was feeling. She said afterward that, since she wasn’t sick, she didn’t want me to imply it. When I asked what she wanted me to say when people asked after her, she didn’t have any answer. This is an issue that comes up a lot. Recently, we were at a party for her job, and I ran into one of her co-workers, who organizes company golf events. I rarely attend because I don’t enjoy golf. I have my own boring work commitments, so I try not to go to extra ones as a plus-one. He politely asked me why I hadn’t been at recent events, and I said something bland about rarely making it with my work schedule. She cut in and said, “Alex thinks your events are boring.” There was a dead, awkward silence. Afterwards, I asked her why she would say that; she pointed out that it’s true, and I was lying. If I actually liked golf, I could find a place in my schedule to join his events. It’s her job, so if she wants to be rude there, I guess that’s up to her. But I want to be polite, especially with people who are only asking me out of politeness. We can’t agree on it. I don’t lie elsewhere in my life, and it’s never caused me issues. But I don’t know what to do about this, especially because it makes me wonder what private, unflattering thoughts of mine she’s telling other people, unfiltered. —Pro White Lies Dear White Lies, I fear I have to ask: Does your girlfriend have a thing about lying? As in, she’s morally opposed to it? Or she is incapable of it, and also possibly has difficulty sometimes understanding the benefit of white lies and other minor lubricating courtesies we perform in certain social settings, like asking about someone’s kids, even if you hate the little brats? (It’s a myth to say that all people on the autism spectrum are not good with lies, but, anecdotally, there are many people on the spectrum who have admitted to either a distaste for or difficulty with lying convincingly.) Assuming either of these are the case, and she’s not just taking a hard stance against lies in this context for the sake of being a brutally honest “tell it like it is” asshole (if so … you’ve got bigger problems), then I would suggest trying to arrive at a compromise with her. Explain your side of things, including the underlying issue: You two should feel like you’re on the same team and on the same page, not doing things that will hurt the other person. Perhaps you can come up with an agreed-upon line to explain away someone’s absence before any given event, something that both of you can reasonably get behind. (She’s tired of people = “She’s taking some time to herself.” He would rather do literally anything else than go to a company golf event = “He has other things on his plate.”) If you still can’t make it work, then you may need to step back and reflect on your compatibility. A difference in communication style can be challenging enough on its own. That, coupled with an inability to operate as one team when it’s important to you, warrants a second thought. Classic Prudie My husband, who is a great partner and father overall, has a terrible trait I’m looking for some advice on. He doesn’t remember half the things I tell him! I’m not talking about not remembering mundane details from a story I told him four years ago, I mean kid has a doctor’s appointment this Thursday that you agreed to take him to because you could work from home that day. I make sure to tell him important things when he isn’t busy with something else, and when I tell him something he listens, engages with me, and asks questions/acknowledges, so it’s not that he doesn’t hear me, but a day later… poof! Advice Dear Prudence