Help! I Found Out My Husband Was Having an Affair With His Boss. Then the Unthinkable Happened.

Dear Prudence Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Pressmaster/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here. Dear Prudence, Recently, I discovered my husband had been having an affair with his boss, “Laura.” Then a week ago, he died unexpectedly. I never got the chance to confront him about the affair, and my grieving process has been complicated by my sense of betrayal and because I’ll never get the answers I’m desperate for. I’m focusing on caring for my two young children. Laura began a fundraising campaign without consulting me, not that I would have taken a call from her in the first place. I can’t deal with her now or ever, although I’m not in a position to turn down money. I also don’t want her at the funeral. What’s the most concise way to excise this person (who begged my husband to leave me) from my life? —Mistress Won’t Leave Me Alone Dear Won’t Leave me Alone, What a jarring and destabilizing one-two punch. I’m so sorry for both of your losses and that one followed so quickly on the heels of the other. If you can’t turn down the money but don’t appreciate collecting it from your husband’s mistress, consider asking a trusted friend (possibly someone else at your husband’s office) to take over the administration of the funds on your behalf and to act as a buffer in case Laura tries to get in touch with you. If even that sounds like too much interaction, you can also set up your own request for donations—you never agreed to Laura’s arrangement and are perfectly free to set up an official funeral fund, since you’re the one who’s actually going to be paying for it. When it comes to the ceremony itself, you can speak to the funeral director or clergyperson (if applicable) beforehand about how best to handle the situation. Odds are this won’t be the first time something like this has come up, and he or she will be able to help you prevent a graveside scene with tact and discretion. —Danny M. Lavery From: Help! I Found My Biological Father, but My Mom Wants Me to Forget Him. (August 24th, 2017). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, My wife dislikes driving. I drive whenever we go somewhere together or as a family. We do a fair amount of shuttling little kids around, often in time I could really use to stay up on work. In the passenger seat, nearly 100 percent of the time, my wife is lost in her phone. Not working, but aimlessly browsing social media—as the kids are asking questions or demanding a change of music, and as I am trying to navigate. If she isn’t going to drive, is it reasonable to ask that she actually be present for the kids? Or if she’s ignoring them, that she at least get some work done so she can buy me some time later to catch up on work I am missing while I chauffeur? Should I be getting her and the kids an Uber from time to time instead? —Honey Can You Drive My Car? Dear Drive, Of course you can ask her! In my experience, many people (myself included) can get a little defensive when someone suggests we’re a little too focused on our phones—don’t do it when you’re in the car together. Tell her that what you really want is to spend more meaningful time together, that you miss her company when she’s lost in her screen for the entirety of the drive, and ask her if she would be willing to stow the phone during longer trips. —D.M.L. From: Help! My Sister’s Fiancé Is Cheating on Her. Here’s Why I Might Not Tell Her. (August 22nd, 2017). Dear Prudence, Recently, while visiting my friend “Nancy,” I was chatting with her while she put away dishes from the dishwasher. At one point I noticed that she’d left a cupboard door open, so I helpfully closed it. She then turned around with her arms full of plates, for some reason expected the cabinet door to be open, and clumsily dropped some of the dishes. I honestly thought she was done in that cupboard and helped her clean up the mess. I also suggested that next time she put things away one or two pieces at a time so that she could keep the doors neatly shut in between. Nancy never complained to me but must have told our friend “Paul” because he told me that I owed Nancy an apology and should offer to pay for her broken dishware. I admit that open cabinets and drawers are a pet peeve of mine, but I find it ridiculous that I should apologize or pay for attempting to be helpful. Do I owe Nancy anything here? —Bull in a China Cupboard Dear Bull, I don’t know that I have a formal, official ruling here—you were trying to be helpful, but closing a cabinet door while someone else is in the middle of unloading the dishwasher is not practically helpful. You say that “for some reason” Nancy expected the cabinet door to be open when she turned around with an armful of dishes; the reason is that she left the cabinet door open mere moments ago—she had a very good reason for expecting it to stay open! Why don’t you speak directly to Nancy about this, if you’re unsure of what she wants? Maybe she told Paul herself that she’s angry with you and wants an apology, or maybe she merely mentioned what happened to Paul and he decided you owed her repayment. The only way to find out what Nancy thinks is to ask her directly—although I don’t recommend (for obvious reasons) that you start with, “Nancy, I find it ridiculous that I should have to apologize to you. Do you want me to apologize?” For what it’s worth, apologizing doesn’t mean you have to don a hairshirt and take full responsibility for what happened. It was an accident, and just because you’re sorry that you (however indirectly) contributed to the dropped dishes, it does not also follow that you think you were being wholly rude or irresponsible. If you don’t want to offer to pay for new dishes, then don’t make the offer, although it would be a kind gesture between friends. The one thing I would advise you to reconsider is what you did after Nancy dropped the dishes. You don’t describe apologizing in a general sense (“Oh, how awful! I’m so sorry.”) or helping her to clean up, just that you offered her unsolicited advice about how to put her own dishes away. If you like closing and reopening cabinets repeatedly while you unload your own dishwasher, that’s your affair, but others don’t, and there’s certainly no one right way to put away dishes. Next time you’re visiting a friend who’s doing chores, if you want to be useful to her, ask her if there’s anything you can do to help—don’t decide you know what she should be doing better and make the decision for her. —D.M.L From: Help! My Girlfriend Won’t Donate to Harvey Victims Because Some of Them Voted for Trump. (August 28th, 2017). Classic Prudie I’ve been with my wife, Chelsea, for 15 years, married for 12. She is a wonderful person and a great wife. However, I’ve fallen in love with someone else. I met Beth two years ago when our companies worked together on a project for 6 months and we hit it off. Not only did we work great together but we formed a fast friendship. We have a similar sense of humor and a lot of the same interests and passions. We also have a similar background as children of military parents and bonded over moving all the time and base life. Over time, I found myself developing feelings for her. At first, I thought it was just friendly feelings, but they kept getting stronger until I realized I was falling in love with her. I can’t remember ever feeling this way with my wife, not even when we were first dating. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Family