Help! I Discovered a Hobby That Changed My Life. My Wife Hates It.

Dear Prudence I’m not willing to give it up. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 01, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Ljupco /iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I’m a 40-year-old man, and I’m married to a 38-year-old woman. I took up cycling as a hobby several years ago. It was about a year after the pandemic ended, and I was feeling out of shape and depressed, and I was drinking too much. My daughter had just been born, my dad died six months later, and I was in a high-stress job I hated. It felt like my new hobby helped me be healthier, both mentally and physically. I’m now at the point where I typically ride my bike four to seven hours per week (two to three times). The main problem is that my wife hates it. Whenever I mention going for a ride, she gets noticeably annoyed and makes passive-aggressive comments about my priorities. Outside of these few hours alone on the bike, I’m a very present and active partner and parent. I still do family activities after my rides and am conscious not to be a “blob” on the couch for the rest of the day. We’ve had multiple arguments about this in the last couple of years. She says that it impacts our family time too much and that she’s doing a lot of solo parenting. I’ve encouraged her to think of some of her own personal hobbies to get into and offered to get an e-bike so she and our daughters can tag along. At this point, it feels like she is just mad that I have something I enjoy doing that doesn’t involve her. If I replaced this hobby with another one, she would likely have the same reaction. I don’t know what else to offer as a fair solution. I think I’m within my rights to do something alone and have an activity that keeps me in shape. It’s literally the only hobby I have! I’m not willing to give up this hobby yet, and if I do, I would need to replace it with some other form of physical activity in order to stay sane and healthy, which would likely put us in the same predicament. Is there any middle ground here? —Cycling Through Options Dear Cycling Through Options, It is a waste for you and your wife to fight about the value of bike riding as a hobby and whether it’s “fair” for you to have alone time. So it’s too bad she has focused her complaints on not wanting you to go on your rides. A more productive approach would have been to tell you what she needed from you as a husband and father, instead of what she didn’t want you to do. Better yet, before this hobby even existed, the two of you should have taken equal responsibility for figuring out what needed to happen in your home each day. You should have been equal partners in strategizing about how and when to make it happen (not, say, her serving as the manager assigning tasks to you, the hourly employee) and then negotiated when you would give each other breaks, and for how long. What happened on those breaks, and whether or not it kept you in shape, wouldn’t have mattered. So while the delivery of your wife’s critique wasn’t the best, I really need you to hear the part of her message that is not “biking is bad” but rather “I’m doing a lot of solo parenting, and you need to do your share.” I have to say the line in your letter in which you congratulated yourself for not being a blob on the couch after your rides was a red flag for me because why was that ever even an option? Of course you wouldn’t be a blob on the couch on the weekend if you have two children! And while I’m happy that you show up for family activities after your rides, I need you to think about what has to happen for those family activities to take place. The activity has to be planned, the kids have to be fed and dressed, sunscreen needs to be applied, the nap timing has to be calculated, the appropriate supplies and snacks need to be packed, and the house needs to be straightened up after the tornado caused by getting the family ready. If she’s handled all that while you’re cruising around taking care of your mental and physical health, and then just showing up for the recreation, of course she’s resentful. And if she tags along on your bike rides while adjusting the daily logistics to make that happen for her and the kids, that’s not exactly a solution either. I am really happy that you’ve used exercise to pull yourself out of a tough time. But you need to prioritize showing up (not for a trip to the playground, but for half of each day’s essential work) for your family, or you are absolutely going to create an even tougher one. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I’m having a dilemma about whether to rekindle a relationship. I’m a university student, and last semester I was in a decently sized friend group, most of whom were international students. One of the people in this group was “Britney.” Britney generally seemed to like my company. How I feel about her is more complicated. To be frank, I hate her politics. Britney is pro-Trump, pro-Israel, and pro-AI. I am very strongly against all of those things. I know some people have an “I don’t see politics” approach to friendship, but I can’t do that. Here’s where the dilemma starts: Around the start of May, I fell into a depressive episode. One of my hallmark depression traits is self-isolation, particularly when it comes to texting. I just can’t bear to put on a happy face and tell people I’m doing great when I’m really not. The last time Britney texted me, she first asked if I was going to be around this summer, and then after a week of no reply, she said she hoped I was doing OK. That was almost three months ago. Now that the semester is about to start again, do I text her back? Honestly, I would be fine with letting the friendship die. I don’t want to hear her talk about politics, or ask me (again) which AI I use to write my papers (none of them! I am more than capable of writing my own papers!). But I’m hesitating to cut her off for good for two reasons. The first reason is that last spring, when I was driving one of my aforementioned friends to the airport, she handed me three letters. One for me, one for Britney, and one for a third mutual friend. Because of the depressive episode and self-isolation, I never gave Britney’s to her, but I still have it. The letter I got was a short and sweet thank-you-for-being-my-friend letter, and I assume Britney’s is the same (I haven’t opened it, of course). I feel I owe her the letter, even several months late. The second reason is that almost everyone else in the friend group was a transfer student and has gone back to their home countries; Britney is now one of the only people I know on campus. Also, it’s not a large university. Even though we’re in completely different programs, the chances of running into each other are well above zero. I feel like a face-to-face encounter where I have to come up with a reason for my absence on the spot would be worse than just sending her a kind, vague, and noncommittal text now. Last time Britney and I spoke in person, we talked about getting lunch together. I don’t want to sign myself up for regular hangouts where I have to grit my teeth and steer the conversation away from politics, but I also don’t want to be that person who ghosts people completely and pretends we never met. How do I handle this? —To Text Or Not to Text Dear To Text or Not to Text, This is tricky. There isn’t a solution that will involve zero awkwardness or negative feelings for anyone, but I think we can minimize both and get them to a tolerable level. First, text Britney back. “Hi, I apologize for not responding over the summer. Lots going on on my end, but I am doing OK, thank you for asking! I’m actually reaching out because I realized I have a farewell note from our friend to give you that has been in my bag for a couple of months now. I’ll be at the student center having lunch on Mondays and Wednesdays around 1 p.m. if you want to come grab it or figure out some other time to meet up. Just let me know! By being cordial and kind, but stopping short of diving into an involved excuse for your absence or asking to hang out outside of the letter exchange, you’re sending a pretty clear message to Britney that the friendship has faded and you don’t plan to invest in it again this semester. If she is at all perceptive, she will pick up on that, and your problem might be solved. If she pushes you about why you were unresponsive or asks to start spending time together again, you’ll have to tell the truth, and there’s a way to do this gently: “Actually, I have given it some thought and I really think our values and worldviews are so different that it’s hard for me to connect with you and that’s part of why we’ve grown apart. I respect your beliefs, but I’m not sure we’re compatible as friends. No hard feelings, and of course, I’ll still be happy to see you and say hi on campus, but I wanted to be honest about it so that we can both spend our time with people we’re more aligned with.” Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, My husband’s mother wears dentures, and when she drinks something, she takes them out and sets them on a plate until she’s finished, even when she’s a guest in our home. I am beyond grossed out! Am I allowed to ask her not to do it? —Denture Disgust Dear Denture Disgust, I’m assuming she’s taking them out for a reason, so don’t ask her not to. Just try to help her help you by providing a way to hide them from sight. “Here’s a napkin to cover up your dentures” should do it. Classic Prudie I’m facing a neighbor problem I don’t know how to solve. My neighbor “Greg” has lived in our small building for close to 30 years. He very much keeps to himself and has declined any attempts made by me or others at small talk or socializing, or even a polite door knock “are you doing ok” after a recent electrical outage. That’s fine, but when our entire floor developed a mysterious foul smell that began coming into my apartment, I didn’t make more than a cursory effort to reach out to him before calling the landlord… Advice Dear Prudence Marriage Parenting