Hearing details of my wife’s affair is a real turn-on and now I’m happy being submissive – but I worry I’m weird

DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE my wife had an affair, I’ve revelled in hearing the details of her infidelity. I’ve realised I love being submissive sexually, but I’m worried this makes me weird — if not abnormal. My wife and I are in our mid-forties and have been together for 20 years. Five years ago, she cheated on me. It nearly broke us, but we worked through the hurt and rebuilt our marriage. What I didn’t expect was to get a thrill from hearing all about her affair with her then colleague. When she told me the details, I felt excited and aroused. Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm. In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team. If you’re on the The Sun app, click here. If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial I didn’t dare tell her at first, but then we rowed about all my questions — which she thought were making things worse — so I admitted that hearing her answers was a turn-on. I started asking her to talk about it when we were intimate. She found it difficult at first, but when she saw the effect it had on me, she soon got into it — describing what they’d got up to in bed, and how she’d felt. Soon, I asked her if she could become totally dominant in the bedroom. I loved handing over control to her, being treated like her sex slave and pleasing her, not myself. We started watching kinky porn together and I asked if she’d use sex toys on me and let me wear her lingerie. In “normal” everyday life I’m a successful businessman in charge of a team of people, so it felt good to be vulnerable. Last year, I said I’d like to take things further and asked if she would like to sleep with other men. She admitted she would, and she even had someone in mind. I loved the anticipation while she was out and the stories she told me afterwards. Weirdly, it made me feel closer to her. But now I struggle to get aroused unless I’m hearing about her past experiences or imagining her with someone else. I’m not unhappy. I love being submissive — but I’m worried this is bad for our relationship. DEIDRE SAYS: While you have taken this further than most couples, consensual power exchange is not uncommon in sexual relationships. Enjoying being dominated and humiliated by your wife has a name – it’s called cuckolding. Perhaps the fact you have to be in control in your working life is what makes surrendering so appealing. As long as you and your wife both enjoy doing this, and nobody is getting hurt in the process, there’s no harm in continuing. Keep on communicating about it and never ask each other to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with. You might find it helpful to read my support pack, Fetish Worries. THANK YOU FOR… HELPING ME BUILD BRIDGES WITH MUM DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I wrote to you, I was at my wit’s end with my mum. She still treated me like the difficult teenager I was decades ago, and it was making my life miserable. I’m now in my early forties and she’s 70. I had accepted that I made mistakes when I was younger, but I’d worked hard to change my life. However, to Mum, that didn’t count. Everything I did seemed to be wrong in her eyes. She said I’d caused her nothing but heartbreak and that the only time I ever got in touch was when I wanted something, which just wasn’t true. My attempt to make peace by visiting with birthday gifts ended with her saying I wanted her to die and refusing the presents. Your advice helped me understand this wasn’t my fault. Mum was taking her frustrations out on me. You suggested creating some dist­ance, and said if I needed to talk, I could contact Coram Family Lives (0808 800 2222, coramfamilylives.org.uk). I followed your advice and stopped trying to fix everything in one conversation. I gave us both space and focused on creating boundaries. We’ve begun talking again, and we are now slowly rebuilding our relationship. It isn’t perfect, but there is more understanding on both sides. Thank you for your support. DEIDRE SAYS: I’m pleased to hear you and your mum are rebuilding your relationship in a healthier way. HUBBY’S FRIENDSHIP WITH PRETTY CLIENT IS A WORRY DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner’s closeness to one of his clients is starting to trouble me. He says I’m being paranoid – I was cheated on in the past – but I can’t ignore my gut feeling that something is going on. I’m 48 and he’s 53. We’ve both been married before and mine ended when my ex had an affair. It had a terrible effect on my confidence and made it hard for me to trust, which my partner knows. He’s a lovely guy – kind and caring, and I’ve never had reason to doubt him. But recently, he has been working at a neighbour’s house, as he is a bathroom ­fitter, and I’m feeling jittery. I’ve noticed he mentions the woman’s name constantly. And he has clearly been chatting to her about our relationship because the other day he came home and said, “Mrs X knows a lovely place we could book for a romantic weekend”. That felt too personal. He also brought her into our house to show her our new towel rail, when he could have shown her a picture on his phone. I’ve asked him directly if something is going on. He denied it and got very defensive. I don’t think he’s cheating, but she’s an attractive woman and he hasn’t behaved like this with other clients. Am I being ridiculous or has he crossed a boundary? DEIDRE SAYS: Your past experience explains why this has rattled you, but it doesn’t automatically mean that your instincts are right. Talking to a client about your life together and inviting her to your home does blur professional boundaries, so I can see why you feel uncomfortable with your partner’s behaviour. But his defensiveness doesn’t mean he is cheating. He could just feel frustrated at being accused. Talk to him again. Instead of accusing him, explain how this is affecting you and tell him what would help you feel more secure. You can also agree boundaries together for reassurance. My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, should help you both to communicate better. TEENAGE TROUBLES DEAR DEIDRE: I’M worried about my dad, who is acting weirdly. He and mum are arguing all the time because he’s got involved in a cryptocurrency scheme, and now he’s trying to recruit his best friend. I’m a lad of 15. My parents are in their forties. Dad has been buying his friend gifts and taking him out for meals to persuade him to invest. This behaviour is so unlike Dad. I’m scared he’s being manipulated. How can I help? What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t try to deal with this alone. Talk to your mum about how worried you are, and you can both try to get through to your dad. The Financial Conduct Authority (fca.org.uk) has information on crypto­currency scams that you can show him. For support, contact The Mix (themix.org.uk) which offers free advice and counselling to under-25s. SICK OF MY IRRESPONSIBLE BROTHER DEAR DEIDRE: MY brother left our front door unlocked while he napped – and I’m furious. He’s so irresponsible, and I’m sick of being the only adult in the family. I’m 30 and my brother, who is 27, is also my lodger. I was at work so had no idea until I came home and found it unlocked. We live in a dodgy area with lots of crime and antisocial behaviour, and there have been several break-ins recently in neighbouring flats. He was fast asleep – even though he was supposed to be “working from home” – and wouldn’t have heard anything. Anyone could have walked in and taken our stuff. I confronted him, but he said I was being ridiculous and should chill. That made me even more annoyed! I’m still angry about it, and it’s created a real atmosphere at home. He’s not talking to me now. But it’s not a one-off, he’s always doing stuff like this. How can I get him to take our security seriously and stop acting like a child? DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like this incident is just one of many that have left you feeling angry and frustrated with your younger brother. It’s common for the eldest child to become “the responsible one,” while the younger one is babied – it’s probably how it’s always been in your family, so he’s never had to try. If you want to talk to him about this again, without making him defensive, read my support pack, Standing Up For Yourself. Make it clear he needs to make more effort so you can both enjoy a happier home life. Perhaps put a sign by the door reminding him to lock it.