Harry and Meghan’s new UK nightmare has begun

There’s no place like home, eh? Well, after years away, Prince Harry is probably wishing he were anywhere but. No sooner had he and Meghan, plus their two children Archie and Lilibet, returned to the UK from the balmy climes of Montecito, California, than the heavens opened after months of sun: ditto the media scrutiny of the Mountbatten-Windsor clan, which has rarely been more torrential. For once, it’s not the Sussexes in the crosshairs – rather, Harry’s Creepy Uncle Andrew (he’s been stripped of his royal titles, so we might as well bestow a new one) has been accused of sex crimes committed in the US by Republican Congressman Thomas Massie. Andrew for his part has always denied any wrongdoing. Meanwhile, Andrew’s ex-wife Sarah Ferguson is returning to the UK from her stint of Swiss sofa-surfing, and reportedly considering a tell-all interview. I’m loathe to dissuade her – if it’s anything like her ex’s with Emily Maitlis back in 2019, it’ll be a gobsmacking, grimly entertaining own goal for the history books. Still, it’s for precisely that reason that, were I Fergie’s PR person, I’d caution her against saying much at all. The Sussexes must be praying for the same. So, on the upside for Harry and Meghan, who left the UK in the first place partly because of unrelenting negative press, they’re the least interesting thing about the royals at the moment. On the downside – er, see above. The British public remains bizarrely anti-Sussex, to an extent that I’d argue we need to unpack in a course of collective national therapy, but surely even the iciest heart would thaw in the face of their current predicament. After all, everyone can sympathise with the problems posed by embarrassing relatives – Harry’s aunt and uncle are pushing the limits of the form. I can’t help but imagine the prodigal Duke trying to sell his wife on the big reunion – “I promise my folks aren’t so bad once you get to know them”, only for it to become painfully clear that they’re worse than she, or he, could have ever imagined. At least in the US, an ocean separated the Sussexes from the scandal – now that it’s escalating, they’re plunged right into the eye of the grotty storm. No doubt, the last thing they wanted. Given their torrid history with the British press, Harry and Meghan may have hoped for not just quiet but perhaps even a little positivity this time round. After all, their return wasn’t going to go unremarked – reasonable that they might have crossed their fingers for a couple of cheerful stories (Meghan’s latest As Ever launch; Harry’s Invictus jaunt) to smooth their re-entry. But – how to put this? – no one is reading about the citrus notes of your Reserve Brut when your uncle-in-law is has just been accused in Congress of committing sex crimes in the US. On the contrary, you’re lumped in with the whole hideous palaver – desperately unfair at the best of times, let alone when you’re trying to start a publicity tabula rasa. Although it was only announced at the eleventh hour, apparently due to finalising school places for the children, the Sussexes must have planned their homecoming with military precision. All those hours agonising, down the drain – their delicate positioning has been swept away by a grotesque tidal wave. Harry and Meghan swapped their UK nightmare for their American dream years ago – back on this side of the Atlantic, it seems their new ordeal is only just beginning.