Godawful Traitors rip-off The Box is a crime against TV – I’ve never seen a contestant look so thrilled to be eliminated

HAS any game show ­contestant ever been more thrilled to be eliminated than Graeme Souness on The Box? I doubt it, frankly. The Box is so demeaningly bloody awful it feels like Gary Lineker’s earthly punishment for retweeting antisemitic tropes Credit: Shutterstock Editorial Has any game show ­contestant ever been more thrilled to be eliminated than Graeme Souness on The Box? Credit: Shutterstock Editorial Souness had been self-sabotaging since the start, deferring to the other nine celebrities, and when the time came to go, I swear I’ve not seen him move so quickly since he left Rangers for ­Liverpool in 1991. Who, in all honesty, can blame him either? The longer Souness stayed on the show, the less of his dignity would be left by the end. For The Box is so demeaningly bloody awful it feels like Gary Lineker’s earthly punishment for retweeting antisemitic tropes. Although, in fairness to ­Lineker, he’s not so much the presenter here as the Chief Witness to a crime against television. Because The Box is another one of those Traitors rip-offs that made the fatal mistake of over-hyping its own arrival with a long and breathless pre-publicity campaign which very much suggested all hell was about to break loose on ITV. In the event, “all hell” very conspicuously failed to do ­anything of the sort thanks to two obvious failings. Sara Davies in The Box Credit: ITV / Two Four The Box swiftly descended into a ­Ministry of Funny Runs with the funniest of the lot ­inevitably belonging to John Bercow Credit: Shutterstock Editorial The first is the line-up, which features all the usual odds — Joey Essex, Shakira off Love Island, GMB’s Ranvir Singh etc — and one odious little sod, John Bercow, the former House of Commons Speaker, who is labouring under the mistaken belief all he has to do to win over the British public is keep shouting: “Or-der! Or-der!” It won’t work. And they certainly won’t fall for his “nice guy” act on this mess where the second insurmountable problem lies with the format, which was meant to result in entertaining chaos because the contestants arrive at the location blind and the games come with: “No ­instructions.” Except they do. They’re pathetically familiar, in fact. Episode one began with a glorified treasure hunt, ended with rock, paper, scissors and in between, I swear, I watched Joey Essex taking on Sara Davies, from Dragons’ Den, in a prime-time egg and spoon race. I won’t spoil the result for you. But I will say the best possible spin you can put on these events is that The Box swiftly descended into a ­Ministry of Funny Runs with the funniest of the lot ­inevitably belonging to John Bercow, who’s forever hurtling towards bushes and behind shipping containers like a ­garden gnome with an enlarged prostate. Had ITV booked him to scuttle around in this amusing Benny Hill-ish fashion, The Box might have been a very qualified success. But they didn’t — they wanted him to provide skulduggery for the plotting and voting elements of the show and must have been aghast when the hateful little smarm-bucket, who is desperate to be liked, made friends with everyone.It’s a stark reminder that no matter how often ITV tries to rip off The Traitors, it will fail. And it’s tried a lot. The Summit, The Neighbourhood, The Chase Around The World and The Fortune Hotel have all crashed and burned and its plagiarism has left this ­dumbass network so seriously out of hits and ideas it’s now contemplating bringing back The X Factor. I also guarantee you the only person who’ll emerge from this latest rip-off with any credit is Graeme Souness, who dodged episode two’s karaoke contest featuring Sara Davies, who did at least flag up the Dragon’s din that was about to follow by admitting: “I can’t sing.” And she certainly wasn’t kidding. Celebrities, like TV networks, rarely learn though, and no sooner had Sara murdered one song than she was telling the camera: “When I came off stage I wanted to do it all again.” Well you can’t, Sara. Not now, not ever, and that goes double for The Box. GREAT TV lies and delusions of the week. The Box, Joey Essex: “I’m quick, I’m sharp, I’ve got brains.” National TV Awards, Joel Dommett: “There’s so much talent in this room, just look.” And Celebrity MasterChef egomaniac Max Fosh: “Normally I’ve got a witty comment or line, but I’m so done.” Fear not, Max. I think we’ll cope. Unexpected morons in the bagging area TIPPING Point, Ben Shephard: “Which English rock band ended their Last Domino tour at the O2 Arena, in March 2022?” Sam: “The Beatles.” Ben Shephard: “During its summer, the South Pole typically experiences 24 hours of constant light from what celestial body?” Sam: “Eye.” And Millionaire Hot Seat, Jeremy Clarkson: “Hogmanay is the Scottish term for which of these dates? “A) Christmas Day. B) Good ­Friday. C) New Year’s Eve. D) Halloween.” Nabil Sumar: “I’m leaning towards Halloween but I’m going to pass.”Michael Gennace: “Christmas Day.” Random irritations COMEDIAN Joe Lycett rising to prominence without ever saying anything funny. Forty years of Casualty’s battering-ram NHS propaganda feeling like it’s lasted twice that long. Three women fighting over Max the Mekon on EastEnders. And The Box contestant John Bercow, who had 21 bullying accusations upheld against him by the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards in 2022, describing himself as “fundamentally a people person”. Shouting at people, mocking ­people, lying to people. John’s ­fundamentally that sort of person. AWARDS A CARR CRASH Paloma Faith and Amanda Holden presenting the Special Recognition award at the NTAs Credit: Getty THE National TV Awards were progressing in relatively dignified fashion, on Tuesday, when some sadist asked Amanda Holden to sing I Know Him So Well, in honour of Alan Carr. “Wasn’t it good?” No, it wasn’t good. It wasn’t good at all, Amanda. It was oh so bad, in fact, that I’m surprised Paloma Faith didn’t remain locked in her Traitors coffin rather than gatecrash the chorus. A verdict which isn’t necessarily a complaint. With scripted laughs an increasingly rare commodity on television, it desperately needs the accidental variety like those provided by Amanda’s singing, Kate Garraway’s backing vocals and Paris Fury, who was introducing The Bruce Forsyth Award, announcing she was “very pleasured to be on this stage”. It also became clear during the course of The NTAs that, with the exception of Clarkson’s Farm, Blue Lights and The Celebrity Traitors, it hasn’t been a vintage 12 months of television. Indeed, the spectacular misses have far outweighed the incredible hits. The television industry is much too full of its own importance to make a virtue of these failures, but Claudia Winkleman did accidentally allude to one during her own tribute to the Special Recognition Award winner. “I first became aware of Alan Carr with his chat show.” Yeah? Well take some bloody notes next time. INCIDENTALLY, the finale of ITV’s Trigger Point saw the terrorists attempting to detonate a nuclear bomb at the end of an England game, resulting in the worst humanitarian catastrophe I could ever imagine. England won. Miriam Margolyes made some racially insensitive remarks to Andi Peters on This Morning Credit: ITV AMONG many other recent insults, Miriam Margolyes has wished death on Boris Johnson, sent a “F*** you, you bastard” message to Jeremy Hunt and compared Israel to Nazi Germany, claiming: “Hitler won.” Yet only now that she has made some racially insensitive remarks to Andi Peters has it occurred to left-wing television people that, far from being the twinkly-eyed, mischief-making “national treasure” they’ve spent so many years cultivating, Miriam, is in fact an obnoxious old boot. If ever the woke TV establishment stops to wonder why so many of us despise their high-handed, wilfully blind hypocrisy, with such a passion, I’d like to think they’ll dwell on Miriam’s This Morning encounter, but know in my heart they definitely won’t. MEANWHILE, on Planet BBC, Berlin news correspondent Jessica Parker attempted to open viewers’ eyes to the “right-wing extremism” of Germany’s AfD party by explaining: “It talks about championing what it calls the ­normal family structure of men, women and lots of children . . .”Men? And women? Having children? “Normal,” you say? Third Reich, book-burning, storm-trooping, Nazi eugenics is what the BBC clearly thinks this is, and it cannot be allowed to happen. Not on Jessica’s watch. Great sporting insights PAUL MERSON: “Anywhere in the goal and that’s a goal.” Ian Holloway: “He adds another string to our armour.” And Dean Holden: “He’s hit it with the left foot of his right foot.” (Compiled by Graham Wray) TV GOLD Jeremy Clarkson, television’s last truly honest presenter Credit: ITV BRODEN KELLY’S brilliant ­performance as Jared the bar owner on the new series of BBC2’s Colin From Accounts. The fascinating process of watching Phill and Jamie brow-beat everyone into the wrong verdict on The Jury: 14 And On Trial For Murder (Channel 4). Rumi Sutton and Ben Ashenden playing ­Ludwig’s deadpan sidekicks DCs Sullivan and Cole to perfection on the BBC One show. And television’s last truly honest presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, meaning every word when he got rid of the two Millionaire Hot Seat doughballs who screwed up the Hogmanay question with this verdict: “I’m staggered by the sheer stupidity of the first two contestants.” lookalike of the week That mouth-breathing cretin Angela Rayner and Brandine Spuckler from The Simpsons THIS week’s winner is that mouth-breathing cretin Angela Rayner and Brandine Spuckler from The Simpsons. Sent in by Steve F, of Gloucester.