Gianni Infantino’s sleazy war on football is a crime against humanity – let’s haul the baldie buffoon off to The Hague

A SLIGHT and shifty dome-headed man who has the look of a squinting, hairless, newborn rodent squirms as he peers uncomfortably from a secure glass-panelled room deep in the Netherlands. He is wailing from the dock following a three-year trial, soils his black Armani suit and blubs for forgiveness as a judge sentences him to life in jail. Fifa president Gianni Infantino declared war on football, its fans and its international associations, and is unlawfully exporting a precious cultural treasure Credit: Zac Goodwin/PA Wire The World Cup may be overseen by venal Fifa ­but belongs to us all, and is not there to be appropriated and put up for sale by a baldie buffoon Credit: Getty Images “Take him down,” bellows the judge, and the last thing on show is a pair of ­prison-issue crisp white trainers glinting in the light as the flailing figure is ­bundled away by four Dutch police ­officers, never to be seen in public again. My repose has been troubled by this recurring, early-morning dream for many weeks now, a phantasm which emerged as the sleazy soccerball World Cup came to its grubby end. It is something of a departure from bikini-adorning Brigitte Bardot and I frolicking in the lapping waters of St Tropez — my more common slumbering vision. No, this one features Fifa president Gianni Infantino — Johnny Littlechild, to bestow his English moniker — at the International Criminal Court in The Hague, as he is found guilty of crimes against humanity. Hold that thought. I must have spent several minutes, sorry weeks, poring over international law, the Geneva convention, the rules of the International Committee Of The Red Cross, fraud ­legislation, the powers of the ICC and talking to some of m’learned friends, and I believe my Infantino Infantasy could become a reality. As a Swiss-Italian lawyer, this Gianni-come-lately should be familiar with such statutes. And his attempted theft of the World Cup from the citizens of planet Earth should be criminal — and may well be prosecutable by international courts. His aborted $20billion stitch-up with those Trump chumps was conducted on American soil, while the US was in ­conflict with Iran, as the tournament took place featuring both nations. So while we are it, let’s try to nail him under war crimes legislation. The World Cup may be overseen by venal Fifa ­—­­ forget not, a supposedly non-profit organisation — but belongs to us all, and is not there to be appropriated and put up for sale by a baldie buffoon driven by ego and avarice. By declaring war on football, its fans and its international associations, and offering ­private business stakes in the trophy, Infantino is unlawfully exporting a precious cultural treasure. The cup should be regarded as cultural property and shielded from misappropriation, therefore protected under the 1954 Hague Convention and international humanitarian law, which states that “parties may not seize, destroy or wilfully damage cultural ­property and must put a stop to theft, pillage or vandalism directed against it”. And get this. Article 8 (2) (b) (xvi) of the International Criminal Court’s Elements Of Crime statute outlines the crime of pillaging, which declares a party may be prosecuted if: “1. The perpetrator appropriated certain property. 2. The ­perpetrator intended to deprive the owner of the property and to appropriate it for private or personal use.” Case rests, m’lud. This current president is the sacrilegious bellend who gave a Fifa peace prize to a sunburnt space hopper who then ordered that the brown stuff be bombed out of Iran mid-tournament. Let Gianni’s smirking pinhead be surgically removed from Trump’s anus and then ensure he is packed off to The Hague forthwith, leaving Fifa to be reconstructed with an ethical and charitable heart, led by a more virtuous and moral figure like, say, Arsene Wenger — of course already within the organisation. As he wrestles to save his Fifa career at a crisis meeting in Morocco, Infantino must now surely face spending the rest of his life banged up with his new ­genocidal monster mates, The Butcher Of Bosnia, former president Charles Taylor of ­Liberia and Radovan Karadzic, all ­convicted by ­international courts for crimes against humanity. Perfect cell-mates. Plenty of time for hydration breaks in those high-security jail showers, and maybe Gianni could pull off a sponsorship deal with Vaseline to ease his passage behind bars. Infantino must do the time for committing the crime, namely Giannicide. ANOTHER 1,211 of Burnham’s boat people arrive during his second week of governance, just as he toddles off on hol. Really? We all need a family break, but at least give it a month, Andeh. “Optics” and all that. I hoped to see these gentlemanly groups of highly educated male lawyers, engineers and surgeons politely ushering women and children from the dinghies first. Alas, after close inspection of videos and photographs from the scene, it soon became apparent there weren’t any of ’em. Zilch. Nada. Nish. ’Eff all. EARLY RELEASE A JOKE The killers of PC Andrew Harper are on a short walk to freedom just seven years after his harrowing death Credit: Thames Valley Police/PA Wire I’VE been prattling on about 1996 recently and discovered that the UK population 30 years ago was 58,164,000. It is now almost 70million – a rise of nearly 12million or 20 per cent. That’s a lot of new faces to keep an eye on, and many will already be, or will go on to be, criminals. The provision of prison places has lagged behind the startling population increase, with successive governments failing to build enough new jails, while insisting on banging up Nancy from Chelmsford for writing some stupid words on Facebook after a few too many chardonnays. So, while many are languishing behind bars for some social media misstep malarkey, we now learn that the killers of PC Andrew Harper are on a short walk to freedom. Poor Andrew’s harrowing death came less than seven years ago. Out-bloody-rageous. Meanwhile, it looks like 9,300 domestic abusers will also be handed Labour Get Out Of Jail Free cards despite the party’s pledge to halve violence against women within a decade. Do you sometimes think one slippery Westminster hand doesn’t know what the other is doing? The punishment certainly isn’t quite fitting the crime. I want to see our new PM immediately go on the front Adidas-clad foot and outline his position on this crisis – but I guess we’ll have to wait until he returns from his holibobs. This betrayal and dereliction of duty from our lawmakers goes against everything we are taught about being good citizens and abiding by the UK’s rules and customs. That laughter you’re hearing is echoing all the way from House Block Two at Belmarsh, Wakefield A-Wing and beyond. PRINCESS Eugenie is celebrating the birth of her daughter – in Portugal. She and hubby Jack Brooksbank relocated to just outside Lisbon not long before her allegedly deviant daddy’s car crash interview with Newsnight, thus ­ensuring she’s a good 1,500 miles away from Pops. Good work. ISN’T THAT OUTFIT A BIT CHEEKY, RIRI? Rihanna, you can’t be carrying out important maintenance in the street dressed like that Credit: Unknown WHY do hairy-arsed builders always insist on showing their pale, sweating buttocks while bending over and working on the roadside? We need to drill it into them that they must invest in some proper undies to cover their cracks. As does Rihanna. You can’t be carrying out important maintenance in the street dressed like that, luv. FLASHER AXE WAS A BOOB A small figure of a streaker was removed from a model village after ‘negative feedback’, but well-endowed Erica the Streaker is now back where she belongs Credit: Isle of Wight County Press/Solent News I CANNOT help thinking that common sense has been eradicated from modern society in many quarters. A small figure of a streaker was removed from a model village after a sliver of “negative feedback” claiming it was inappropriate. But, after way more complaints about its disappearance, bosses have now seen sense and well-endowed Erica the Streaker is back where she belongs – near to the pitch at Godshill Model Village on the Isle of Wight. The naked truth is that social meeja has fuelled rash, knee-jerk reactions by those in authority, who need to consider their decisions more slowly and wisely to prevent them looking like a bunch of tits themselves. NIGEL FARAGE and Reform would be nuts to do a deal with goose-stepping capital punishment slatherer Rupert The ’Mare’s Restore goons. Reform has slowly but surely started to detoxify the party and, to many, offers a more palatable alternative than it did in the years when Lowe was flying high. Now, Rupe has offered an oily olive branch to his dentally- challenged ­nemesis. But remember this, Nige – sometimes it is best not to get the band back together. NEIL SO MISSED FAREWELL to publicist-to-the-stars Neil Reading, cruelly snatched from us aged just 56. I hadn’t seen him for a while until, out of nowhere in March, he excitedly shared that he had arranged an exclusive interview for me with Trainspotting author Irvine Welsh. Neil knew he was seriously ill, but not once did he let it slip – and that interview feels like it was some sort of parting gift from him. Thank you to a class act who will be deeply missed. ANYONE have a number for talent vacuum Romesh Ranganathan’s agent? She must be some sort of miracle worker or has serious dirt on the bosses at the BBC, ITV and Netflix. There can be no other explanation.