Finding my birth mum should have made me so happy – but it’s led to horrific discovery

DEAR DEIDRE: FINDING my birth mother should have made me so happy, but it’s led to a horrific discovery. I’ve realised I slept with my cousin before I knew we were related. Having been adopted at birth, I recently decided to search for my biological family. I’m 25 years old. I was so happy when I found my birth mother — as was she. We met several times, just the two of us, and spent months messaging before she finally told her husband and their three children about me. Thankfully, they were welcoming, and she offered to arrange a big family get-together so I could meet everyone. WhatsApp and Contact Dear Deidre WhatsApp, DM, or email our experienced counsellors for a free, comprehensive response. I never imagined it would go so horribly wrong. I was having a lovely time when one of my birth mother’s nieces — her sister’s daughter — arrived late. The moment I saw her, my stomach dropped. A few months earlier, I’d been out drinking and got chatting to a gorgeous woman. We hit it off, went back to her place and had a one-night stand. The sex was amazing — but that woman was my biological first cousin. At the party, she was introduced to me and we both stood there in silence, pretending we’d never met. It was so awkward. Neither of us has acknowledged what happened. I feel sick at the thought of seeing her again, which is tainting everything. I hate carrying around this big secret, particularly because my birth mother and I promised to be honest. I’m scared if I tell her the truth it will wreck everything we’re building. If I had known that woman was my cousin, I never would have slept with her. DEIDRE SAYS: What happened was an extraordinary coincidence. You had no idea who she was when you met her, so you did nothing wrong. Try not to punish yourself. Sleeping with a cousin isn’t illegal in the UK, although the Government is considering making it so. It’s probably best not to tell your birth mother immediately, while you and your newly discovered family are still getting to know each other. If possible, contact your cousin and have a private conversation. Agree it will never happen again and try to be friends, so there’s less awkwardness. Your birth mother and you agreed to honesty but I’m not sure you need to include previous flings in that bracket – you have a right to privacy. The priority is ensuring both you and your cousin are comfortable with each other. If keeping this fling a secret is playing on your mind then let your birth mother know. Don’t feel obliged to go into details and be factual. Emphasise you had no idea you were related and that you are both embarrassed. To talk to someone confidentially, contact PAC-UK (0808 802 6666 family-action.org.uk). THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME BUILD BRIDGES WITH SON DEAR DEIDRE: THE day I wrote to you, I was at the lowest point in my life. I was convinced I was losing my youngest son and feared I would never see my grandchildren again. I’m 56, and I’m fiercely protective of my family. That’s partly because my brother was murdered when I was a teenager, so I’m primed to react when I see someone vulnerable being hurt. My son and his wife have two young kids, a boy and girl. When my daughter-in-law lost her temper with her son, snatching a toy away so hard he cried “Ouch, Mummy!”, I ­panicked and overreacted. I contacted social services. I believed I was protecting him. My son was so angry he banished me from their lives. I had no contact for a year. They even called me “dangerous”. Your wise advice made me realise I needed to respect their boundaries. You sent me information from Stand Alone (standalone.org.uk) about family estrangement and advised me to speak to the charity Samm (samm.org.uk) about the trauma of my brother’s death. Unexpectedly, on my grandson’s birthday, my son texted me, thanking me for the card I had sent. We’ve slowly been building bridges. I’ve also taken your advice about looking after myself. Writing about my feelings has been therapeutic. DEIDRE SAYS: I really hope things continue to improve for you, and you can overcome your trauma. TEENAGE TROUBLES DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE I got my A-level results, my life has fallen apart. I messed up and didn’t get the grades I needed for university. I’m an 18-year-old boy. All my mates headed off to their campuses, posting photos of their new rooms and nights out, while I’m stuck at home. My phone keeps pinging with their updates. I feel sick with jealousy and so sad. I’m barely getting out of bed. Everyone asks what I’m doing next. I don’t know what to say. DEIDRE SAYS: Right now, you can’t see a way forward, but I promise things will turn around. Focus on working out what to do next, instead of beating yourself up about your results. Talk to your college about retakes and consider apprenticeships. To speak to someone confidentially about your feelings, contact The Mix (themix.org.uk) for under-25s. MATE’S SNUBBING WEDDING OVER MY FLIRTY TEXT TO EX DEAR DEIDRE: A STUPID mistake at my hen do has cost me a close friendship and my peace of mind. Now my mate isn’t coming to my wedding and I’m anxious she’ll tell my fiancé what she knows. I’m 29 and am due to marry in six weeks. My fiancé is 31. One of my oldest friends was supposed to be a bridesmaid. We were in the same year at school and I always pictured her standing beside me on my big day. But on my hen night, I drank too much and messaged my ex. My friend saw the flirty texts, and was horrified. She now says she feels the wedding is tainted, and has pulled out of being a bridesmaid. I’m upset and ashamed, but haven’t told my fiancé what happened. My friend has promised she won’t tell him. But she did tell her husband, and he thinks she should come clean. I keep replaying that night in my head and wishing I could change it. It was just a drunken mistake. I’m terrified my fiancé will find out. And I’m really sad that my friend won’t be at the wedding – which I don’t know how to explain. Should I confess to my fiancé and beg my friend to change her mind? DEIDRE SAYS: Understandably you are upset – and overcome with guilt. Your friend has a right to be upset too and now has the burden of your secret. It’s best to tell your fiancé yourself before the wedding so he does not hear it first from someone else. Explain exactly what happened, apologise for contacting your ex and be honest about why you did it. Don’t minimise it as just the result of being drunk. As for your friend, give her space. Don’t bombard her with messages demanding forgiveness or asking her to return as a bridesmaid. Tell her once that you are sorry and understand why she is hurt, and say you would like to repair the friendship when she is ready. My support pack, Feeling Guilty?, should help. SEEING NIECE AND NEPHEW UPSET MAKES ME BAWL DEAR DEIDRE: WHENEVER my nephew or niece hurt themselves, I find myself crying too. My brother thinks it’s because I have low testosterone and need treatment. I’m 42, male, and unfortunately single and childless. My brother has a boy aged seven and a girl, three, and I adore them. But whenever they get upset I find myself fighting back tears. I literally feel their pain in my chest. I’m not normally emotional, you’d probably call me stoic, but since my nephew was born, I’ve had this reaction. My brother now says I’m “too soft” and won’t let me babysit or take the kids out alone. He thinks I’m overly-emotional and blames my hormones. I’m devastated because I want to be the fun uncle who takes them for ice cream and trips to the park. I also feel less of a man. Could low testosterone explain this? Should I get treatment? DEIDRE SAYS: Being moved to tears by children you love doesn’t mean anything is medically wrong with you. It just shows how much you care about your nephew and niece. Low testosterone can affect mood, energy and sex drive, but it isn’t something your brother can diagnose from seeing you show emotion.If you’re having other symptoms, speak to your GP. But don’t let your brother make you feel you’re less of a man. Make it clear you’re responsible and will follow his rules if you babysit. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you have this conversation.