Everything You Need To Know About Sex Therapy, From Sex Therapists

First, let’s clear up a few things: there’s no couch demonstration, nobody gets naked, and you’re not going to be graded on how often you have sex. Sex therapy, it turns out, is mostly talking—which, if you’ve ever tried to bring up what you want in bed, may sound like a relief or your worst nightmare. But talking about sex shouldn’t be taboo, and a sex therapist can help you find the answers to the questions you’re too afraid to ask.“Often, we aren’t taught how to talk about sex in a way that feels open and comfortable, and that can leave us feeling ashamed, self-conscious, stuck, or unsatisfied,” says Fox Eros, LMFT, a California-based sex therapist. “Sex can be influenced by so many factors, some of which we aren’t even aware of, which can make it challenging to pinpoint exactly what’s happening.” That’s where sex therapy comes in, she says.Maybe it’s been hard to get aroused lately. Maybe you want to explore kink, sexual fantasies, or you’re wondering how to use sex toys with your partner. Whatever the situation, a sex therapist can help you “reclaim your pleasure, body, and sexual health,” Eros says. Sex therapists can help with just about anything sex-related, from body image to healing from past trauma.If you’ve ever been curious about going to sex therapy, there’s no shame in wanting support. Ahead, therapists share what it’s all about, the benefits for you and your relationship, and how to find a practitioner.What Is Sex Therapy?“Sex therapy is provided by a licensed mental health professional who has specialized training in human sexuality,” says Texas-based sex therapist Jessica Sánchez, LMSW, PhD. It uses talk therapy as a way to help people feel more aligned with their bodies—mentally, emotionally, and physically, she explains. You can go to sex therapy individually or with a partner.Just like in traditional therapy, there are firm boundaries between therapist and client. “Sex therapists never make physical contact with a person’s body or engage in any forms of sex or intimate relationships with a client,” Sánchez says. Some other practices, like sex and intimacy coaching, may involve physical touch, but they’re very different from sex therapy in both training and practice. (There’s also no governing body or licensure board for sex coaching).What Actually Happens During a Sex Therapy Session?At the beginning of sex therapy, the therapist will conduct a thorough interview and assessment. They screen for any medical issues that may need to be addressed by another practitioner, whether it’s a medical doctor, psychiatrist, or pelvic floor specialist, Eros says. From there, clients may explore a wide range of topics in sessions, from sexual pleasure to body image and spicing things up with your partner, she says.The approach can vary, and there’s no one-size-fits-all process for everyone. That said, it’s always centered on talk therapy: conversations with a client or couple about their thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and beliefs about sex, Eros says. Say someone is having trouble reaching orgasm, or they’re feeling insecure about their body in bed. The therapist provides insight, education, and guidance for how to navigate it all.“When we feel stuck, anxious, confused, or disconnected, talk therapy can help untangle and reset things so you can see how to move forward,” says Eros.The Benefits of Sex Therapy The benefits are wide-ranging, Sánchez says. “The greatest benefit is that you have a practitioner who is fully equipped and ready to talk about human sexuality—nothing is taboo to us,” she says. “We are incredibly sex-positive, and if we don’t know the answer, we’re going to research it and lean into our own sex therapist community to learn so we can better support you.”According to Sánchez and Eros, sex therapy can help you:Prioritize safety, comfort, and presence during sexLearn about new types of pleasure Center pleasure instead of goal-oriented sexHeal from sexual traumaRelease shame, self-doubt, and judgment about sexBoost self-confidence and self-acceptanceUnderstand your gender and sexual identities more fullyRewrite outdated “scripts” about sex (looking at you, American sex ed!)Establish and communicate healthy boundariesBuild trust, intimacy, and connection with your partnerWork through dating, relationship, and marriage issuesUnderstand and get treatment for sexual dysfunctionPractice self-love and self-pleasureFeel validated about what their body is experiencing Make empowering sexual decisions When to See a Sex Therapist Many people hesitate to seek sex therapy, and understandably so—it’s vulnerable! If you’re nervous to talk about sex, that’s exactly the point, and a professional can help. If you’re experiencing any kind of shift that’s impacting your sex life, it might be a good time to start therapy, Sánchez says.More signs you could benefit from it, according to Eros and Sánchez:You’re having a difficult time talking about sexYou’re navigating or questioning your gender identity and/or sexualityYou feel disconnected from yourself and/or your partnerYou have low or absent libido You and your partner avoid sex or have mismatched desireYou’re interested in exploring kink, BDSM, or ethical non-monogamyYou experience pain during sex or other difficultiesYou feel anxious or dissociate during sexYou want to set healthier boundariesYou’re interested in learning about new forms of pleasureYou’re navigating sex postpartum or during perimenopause or menopauseYou’ve experienced trauma, sexual assault, or relationship violence If any of the above resonate with you, or you’re simply curious, it can’t hurt to reach out for support.How to Find A Sex Therapist There are a few ways to go about it. If you have health insurance, you can call your insurance company (or check its online directory) for a list of practitioners covered under your plan. If you’re searching manually, here’s what matters most: the therapist should have a formal counseling or psychology degree and license (look for credentials like PhD, PsyD, LMFT, LMSW, LCSW, LMHC, or LPC) plus certification (“certified sex therapist” or CST) or specialized training in sexuality.A great place to start is the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) directory, which Sánchez calls the gold standard for sex therapist credentials in the U.S. Eros also recommends searching Psychology Today or Inclusive Therapists. If a therapist’s profile resonates with you, set up a consultation and ask questions. “You can assess for traits like directness, compassion, personality, and therapeutic style,” Eros says. Most importantly, make sure you’re comfortable and feel heard. And if it’s not a fit, you can always try someone else.At the end of the day, you deserve pleasurable, pain-free sex you genuinely enjoy—something Eros and Sánchez shout from the rooftops. “Your sexual health is a significant part of your mental health,” Eros says. “It is an important part of who you are, and deserves to be met with compassion, curiosity, and respect.”