Everyone Knows How My Husband and I Got Together. I’m the Only One They Judge for It.

Dear Prudence Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here. Dear Prudence, My husband and I got involved with one another while we were both married to other people. The whole situation was made very public by his ex-wife, and most people in our social circle know how we got together. When I got into this situation, I expected to be judged harshly, and I haven’t been disappointed. I hear numerous people gossiping about me daily. Female friends don’t trust me around their husbands. I would understand this more if my husband was getting the same treatment. Most people ignore the fact that he cheated on his wife as well. He also slept with a married woman. I’m resenting him more and more every day because of this. I want this marriage to work out, but I don’t know if I can ignore the bitterness I feel toward him. Any advice? —Marital Problems Dear Marital Problems, You sound like quite a prize. Tell me, on one occasion when you had too much to drink, did you kiss the new husband of your husband’s former wife? You and your current husband both cheated on your spouses, broke up your marriages, then married each other. You expected to be gossiped about, but now you’re filled with bitterness toward your husband because people aren’t as nasty to him as they are to you. Maybe people are nastier to you because of sexism. Or maybe they’re nastier to you because you’re a nasty person. Obviously, you need to expand your social circle beyond the one you used to run in when you both were married to others. You also have to behave with a mixture of confidence and modesty among the people you already know, slowly winning them over. It doesn’t sound like winning people over is your most salient quality, however. If you find yourself wanting to bust up your latest marriage because people aren’t being mean enough to your spouse, try finding a therapist to help you sort out your approach to human relations. —Emily Yoffe From: The New Spouses’ Scandal. (Nov. 21, 2011.) Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, My wife and I are 33 and 34, respectively, and have two children. Pregnancy was hard on my wife (nonstop morning sickness, food aversions, and constantly uncomfortable) and she said she didn’t want to have any more children after our son was born four years ago. I was supportive of her wishes, even though I thought we’d have at least one more child. After Roe v. Wade was overturned, our state enacted stricter restrictions on abortion. We are both outraged at what is going on and I have tried to be understanding and supportive of the complex feelings she, and all women, are dealing with. One of my wife’s solutions is for me to get a vasectomy. She is currently on birth control but has, rightly, decided that preventing pregnancy shouldn’t be all on the women. I do not want a vasectomy and told her I was willing to use condoms and explore other options to prevent pregnancy if she no longer wanted to be on birth control. She did not like this response and insisted I need to get a vasectomy, and even scheduled an appointment for me to see the doctor. Prudie, I do not want a vasectomy because there are a lot of unknowns in life and I don’t want to permanently take away my choice of having future children if something happens and I am left divorced or widowed. My father’s first wife died unexpectedly when my brother and sister were 6 and 9 and five years later he married my mother and had me and my sisters. I tried to get my wife to shelve this conversation and talk about it at a later date, when emotions weren’t so raw off of such a major event, but she wouldn’t let it go and kept pressing. I finally told her my reason—that if we ever ended up divorced or anything happened to her, I didn’t want to take away the option of more children. As expected, this did not go over well and we had a big fight, resulting in her going to spend the weekend at her sister’s house. She came home, but is angry at me and claims everything from I don’t really love her if I am thinking about children with another woman to accusing me of cheating on her and plotting divorce. I am trying to be patient and understanding. I tried to explain the situation like our prenuptial agreement (that she proposed), and that just because we signed one didn’t mean we were thinking of getting a divorce before we married. I don’t know what else to do. We tried speaking to a marriage therapist but the session was not productive. We both go to therapy individually, but I do not know if she is talking about the situation with her therapist. A couple of months ago our relationship was warm and loving, and I felt like we were partners who could communicate honestly with one another and now my marriage feels cold, distant, and bitter. How do I get us back on track? —Her Body, Her Choice, My Body, My Choice Dear Her Body, Her Choice, My Body, My Choice, How are you discussing this with your therapist? Because it sounds to me like your anxiety about a hypothetical future in which you get divorced or are moving past a dead wife is ruining the marriage you have now with your very-much-alive wife. That’s a problem. To refuse to do something to keep your current relationship intact and happy because you might one day be in another relationship is not wise. And no, this isn’t like a prenup. A prenup is signed once and from then on has no effect on your day-to-day life unless the worst happens. A decision about birth control is completely different. Someone has to do something, or you have to stop having sex or risk having an unplanned child. You need to apologize to your wife. Not for your choice to pass on a vasectomy (yes, it is your body, and that’s your right—if you just don’t want to have surgery because you don’t, that’s OK) but for prioritizing your future with a possible second wife over your present. Try to figure out how you got there, mentally (I’m guessing it might have to do with the tragedy in your father’s life) so you can explain it to her and reassure her that you aren’t actually planning to leave, you’re just over-fixated on worst-case scenarios. Re-emphasize your very fair offer to take responsibility for birth control by using condoms. Perhaps the two of you could even look into other options, like fertility awareness or natural family planning (though these options leave room for mistakes). But none of these conversations can happen until you repair the damage you did when you shared your exit plan. Make that a priority. Because right now, you’re closer to moving on to family #2 than you ever thought. —Jenée Desmond-Harris From: Help! I Confessed to My Wife the Real Reason Why I Don’t Want a Vasectomy. She Freaked Out. (September 12th, 2022). Dear Prudence, I am a breastfeeding mother of a toddler. As it tends to go with breastfeeding, I am often very hungry and need extra calories to nourish both myself and my child. I am not overweight—in fact, I now weigh slightly less than my pre-pregnancy weight. I guess you would say I’m an average build (5 feet and six inches tall and about 142 pounds). The problem is my husband’s mother. She is from a culture where apparently it’s OK to comment on weight (my husband has confirmed it’s a cultural thing), and she is thin. Over the years of knowing her, I have been the target of more than one of these comments—even two weeks after my child was born! I know she feels I eat a lot of food, I eat too fast, and she clearly doesn’t have the same need for snacks between meals that I do. Once, she made a comment to me about how another family member “made an effort” with what she ate. This was when my baby was under six months and exclusively breastfeeding, which requires 500 extra calories per day. I find it hard to forget comments like that, and I also find it hard to stand up for myself with her. When she comes to visit (and it’s usually for a week at a time because of the distance), I am aware of what she thinks, even if it’s not said directly every time I see her. It’s gotten to the point where I take less at meals than I’m really hungry for, and then I end up sneaking food—either going to the laundry room under the guise of doing laundry, to quickly shove some of my husband’s chips into my mouth, or keeping whatever is convenient and won’t spoil in my bedside drawer—last time, it was a bag of chocolate chips. Normally, when she’s not visiting, I would have a bowl of fruit, or avocado toast, or something like that if I was hungry—not to say that all my snacks are perfect, but at least the option is there to eat freely and more healthfully, in my own kitchen. I have been overweight earlier in life, and I am sensitive to comments about weight in general. My husband is quite thin, but he definitely doesn’t make me feel bad, and I’m thankful for that. He did once tell her not to mention my weight as I was really sensitive about it, but it hasn’t changed anything. I’m not sure how to address this, or better yet, how to stop caring and eat how I want. —Fed Up Dear Fed Up, As much as you know your mother-in-law is wrong, I can tell her remarks combined with the messages you’ve absorbed from living in a society obsessed with weight and are really getting to you. It’s not just that you’re hiding chocolate chips—you’re justifying your eating to me by explaining the precise number of extra calories you need, you’re explaining that you’re actually thin, and you’re reporting that most of your snacks are actually healthy. You shouldn’t need to do any of this. You get to eat the food you want. It doesn’t matter how many calories, or whether your choices are “perfect” or anywhere close. Not caring what this woman says and eating whatever you want is a great goal, but that falls into the “lifelong work with a therapist” category—it could take some time to get there. For now, your husband has to speak up again. Not: “Don’t mention my wife’s weight because she’s sensitive about it.” But: “Don’t mention any judgment about anyone’s body or the food they’re eating because that’s not the kind of home we want to raise our children in.” And he has to attach some consequences to this. She’ll figure out how to be quiet if comments about your meals or your size lead to less time with her grandkids. —J.D.H. From: Help! My Husband Says It’s Part of His Mom’s “Culture” to Comment on My Weight.(September 13th, 2022). Classic Prudie While I went away this summer to visit my sister for three weeks, as she had just had a new baby, I left my 9-month-old Australian Shepherd mix, Abbie, at home with my girlfriend. She insisted she wanted to do this for me, and refused all objections (I offered to send him to a boarding service since she rarely spends time with the puppy; we compromised and put him in a daycare three times a week). Well, it was a disaster. 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