Everyone in My Friend Group Has Turned on Me. The Reason Why Keeps Me Up at Night.

Dear Prudence Prudie chats with Lizzie O’Leary, host of What Next: TBD, about a friend group in turmoil. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Brastock Images/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here. Dear Prudence. I had a really bad best-friend breakup last year, and I’m finding myself still struggling with how it all unraveled. After a lot of struggling to find a best friend in adulthood, I finally felt like I’d found one from an online friend group who I’d known for two years already. We’ll call them Jamie. Our friend group met once or twice a week to hang out, and we ended up connecting further and developing what I’d call a close/best friendship I’d always dreamed of having. We talked every day, hung out regularly throughout the week, and gave each other a lot of support during trying times. I also provided some financial support as they made minimum wage and had some life crises and couldn’t afford to fly out for our once yearly friend get together, so I paid for flights, food, etc., for example. This went on for several years. Jamie visited, and they’d seemed troubled and depressed, and confided in me post-trip they felt like the odd man out, as they were the only ones without a spouse, and had never had one at 31. So I did what I could, encouraging them to get on dating apps, push through a bad date or two, and even taught them how to cook for a romantic dinner with a Tinder date. Well, that date turned into something more. Things changed between us overnight, although it took about a year and a half for the friendship to fully flame out. Jamie went from being very thoughtful and present to forgetting planned hangouts, guilt tripping me into involving their girlfriend into our friend group because they “wouldn’t be able to hang out as much anymore unless the girlfriend was involved,” and other infractions. When I’d call them out on it, they’d guilt trip me with claims I wasn’t being fair while also admitting other friends of theirs who I had no association with had told them the same thing. And to top it all off, their girlfriend really didn’t like me. Once they were added to the friend group, I tried to do everything to be gracious and inviting, partially to be kind and partially because I felt like my friend had a proverbial gun to my head of “make this work or else we cannot hang out as much anymore.” But it just never panned out well. She seemed to continually pick fights with me in a way I didn’t have issues with any of our other friends, and Jamie never called her out on any of it. This all culminated during a chat I was having with Jamie. Their girlfriend butts into the conversation, accused me of spewing Nazi rhetoric, insulted my intelligence, and then said they didn’t want or be around me anymore and left the group. All in front of our other friends. I was humiliated and begged her in private to calm down but she continued to berate me. Well, Jamie went from taking no one’s side to taking hers after I reached a breaking point and simply said “What’s wrong with you? You need therapy.” She ended up later making me call her crying to “apologize,” which I did because I was desperate to keep my best friend, but I resented Jaime in full-force after that. Eventually, we stopped talking altogether and the one time Jamie reached out and I tried to be blunt about our prior issues and see if they could be corrected, they blocked me. What feels the worst about this is not only do I feel used, and that maybe Jamie saw me as less a best friend and more a girlfriend, and once they had a “real” one, tossed me aside, but once I stepped away, the rest of our friends kept hanging out with them both, and still do. The resentment and simmering anger still hasn’t dissipated after almost a year. It makes me want to send a message in their group chat calling them all out, but then I feel like they’ll all agree I was the problem after and nuts. How do I come to terms with this? And how do I protect myself better next time, if there even is one? —Oil Meet Water … Or Else Jenée Desmond-Harris: This is a very long letter with a lot of detail, but I think the best explanation of what happened is buried in it, right here: “Maybe Jamie saw me as less a best friend and more a girlfriend, and once they had a ‘real’ one, tossed me aside.” And I wonder if maybe the letter writer had some slightly-more-than-friends feelings for Jamie too? And if the nature of the connection (and resulting jealousy) is what made the new girlfriend a little weird about it and sort of hostile? Am I reading too much into all this? I feel like I need to understand the why, and “this person randomly hated me for no reason” seems unlikely. Lizzie O’Leary: I agree! My first reaction reading this letter was “wow this is a lot of drama for something truly platonic.” Which leads me to the “not fully platonic” conclusion as well. Mostly, LW, you seem incredibly upset and looking for a way to have a final say and to show people how hurt you are. And unfortunately, I don’t think this situation is ever going to give you that. And any attempt to do so will rebound on you. It really sucks and you have my sympathy! Friend breakups are brutal. I think the honest answer to all of this is … time. It’s devastating and sad and of course you feel awful. But nothing is going to help except time. You may never understand Jamie or their girlfriend. You may never get an “explanation” for the group behavior. But it will eventually sting less. Jenée: OK I’m glad you agree. I did sort of struggle with the idea that my theory was making platonic friendships less special or valuable than romantic relationships. I know that’s a thing that straight people in particular have a bad reputation for, and I was feeling self-conscious about it. So I want to be clear that I’m not saying the closeness or the level or care about things falling apart was inappropriate for a platonic friendship—just that it may have been the slight (maybe even just perceived) love triangle aspect of the situation that explains why everyone couldn’t just get along. That idea might be one part of the answer to “How do I come to terms with this?” (You understand that people are nuts when they are in love and especially when they’re in love and feel insecure about someone) and “How do I protect myself better next time?” (You admit to yourself before the shit hits the fan if one of your friends is getting something other than friendship out of the connection). But I’m not sure about how to handle the group dynamic. Thoughts? Lizzie: I mean, I think people are nuts in friendship love too! It can be so intense and all-consuming, especially when we feel truly seen by another person. So I don’t want to say it only happens in romantic contexts, more that we are more used to it then. And look, we could be wrong—this could have been strictly platonic—but there does feel like a substantial kernel of jealousy involved that points toward murkier feelings. I don’t know that there is a way to rescue the group dynamic. At least not at this moment. Maaaayyyyybe in the future. I wonder if it would be possible to hang out with one or two group members? I think the key to doing that, though, would be making sure that there is ZERO discussion of Jamie and the girlfriend. Because if anyone in that group feels like they are being pressured to hang out only to relitigate this, it won’t work. It’s gotta be a fun hang. And I get it—none of this is good or fair!! It’s just that people are weird and awkward and often cowardly, and most humans do some kind of “I don’t want to get in the middle here” dance. Which sucks. There is also the issue that they may have already taken sides. In which case, do you want to be friends with them? I mean, I understand your anger, but if you extend a gentle olive branch and are rebuffed, then these people are not worth your time. Once upon a time, a friend and I made these shirts for one another that just said DIGNITY on the front. They were to remind us to not be dipshits in our romantic lives. But I think it works in a larger context. Even though it feels good to be angry in the short term, in the long run you will feel better being dignified. Jenée: DIGNITY T-shirts?!? That is one of the best friendship stories I’ve ever heard. And you’ve been happily married for close to a decade now, so it kind of worked! Anyway, it’s even possible that the friends haven’t strongly taken sides, but that they are just really happy that Jamie finally has someone who loves them back, after watching them struggle with depression and isolation and (maybe) using you as a stand-in for a romantic partner. This is an explanation, not an excuse. Because of course it’s not okay for people who are supposed to be your friends to stand by and do nothing while someone is hostile to you for no reason. That brings me back to a point Lizzie made: Maybe instead of evaluating the group, look at individual people in it. I’m sure they haven’t all behaved exactly the same way. Some of them—at least a couple—are probably much more loyal to you than the others. And might even share your views on the new girlfriend, and on Jamie’s behavior. Plus, there’s something to be said for one-on-one hangouts where the dynamics aren’t so complicated and you can nurture individual connections. The real question is how you’ll respond when these two inevitably break up and Jamie inevitably wants to be close with you again. Don’t do it! Advice Dear Prudence