Enjoyable Sex With a Not-Hard Penis Is Possible

Hard penises have been propagated as a prerequisite not just for good sex, but for sex—period. Together, Big Blue™ and practically the whole internet (read: the Porn Industrial Complex) have helped propel the myth that a hard-on is as essential for shagging—and pleasure more broadly—as communicating is to relational well-being or sunscreen is to skin health. Which is to say: Very.The reality, however, is that an individual's penis does not have to be hard for them to enjoy penile touch—nor for them to provide sensual touch that feels good for their partner. Amy Pearlman, MD, a Miami-based board-certified urologist specializing in male sexual and hormonal health and co-founder of the Prime Institute, says, “A penis does not have to be hard to feel good.”Fully appreciating the pleasure potential of a flaccid penis requires a quick lesson on the inner workings of a penis more broadly. First things first: Sensation and erection are related—but they're not the same physiological process, explains Pearlman.The machinery that makes a penis feel something isn’t the same as the machinery that makes it firm. The penis contains a dense network of (roughly 7,600!) sensory nerve endings that—whether the penis is hard, soft, or somewhere in between—transmit information about touch to the spinal cord and brain, where that input can be experienced as pleasurable, she says. “An erection, meanwhile, is a neurovascular event that involves the autonomic nerves, relaxation of smooth muscle, dilation of penile blood vessels, increased blood flow, and trapping of that blood within the erectile tissue,” she says. In other words, the machinery that makes a penis feel something isn’t the same as the machinery that makes it firm.Often, the sensations come first. “Someone can touch a completely flaccid penis, that touch feels pleasurable, and that sensory input helps initiate an erection,” says Pearlman. If you’ve ever felt a penis rise in your mouth like sourdough in an oven, you know just how true this is.But—and this is the important part—the erection doesn't have to follow. The penis is packed with sensory nerves that can register stimulation regardless of how much blood is currently filling the erectile tissue, says Rufus Spann, Ph.D., an AASECT-certified sex therapist in the Washington, D.C./Baltimore area and founder of Libido Health. The nerve pathways responsible for detecting pleasurable touch don't suddenly switch off just because the vascular, hormonal, and/or neurological processes responsible for an erection haven't switched on, he explains.With that, someone can experience pleasurable sensations from “receiving oral or touch or play” without an erection, says Spann. “The glans, or head of the penis, is particularly sensitive and rich in sensory nerve endings even when soft,” he says. Though the glans isn't the only game in town: The rest of the penis and scrotum can be sensitive to stimulation, too, he says.Exactly How to Enjoy Sex With a Soft Penis Even if you’ve wrapped your head around the idea that a soft penis can both feel and facilitate pleasurable touch, figuring out what actually to do with one requires a little savvy and creativity. After all, in our abysmally lacking sex ed curricula, which leave pleasure completely out of the convo, we never learned how to have satisfying sex with a soft-on.1. First, release the myth that erection = attraction. “One of the biggest misconceptions about male sexuality is that an erection is a lie detector for attraction,” says Pearlman. That simply is not the case. “A man can be wildly attracted to someone, very much want to have sex, and still not get an erection, or get one and lose it,” she says.There are approximately a bajillion things that influence whether a penis gets hard that have nothing to do with how hot its owner finds the naked person in front of them, according to Pearlman. “Getting and maintaining an erection is actually a pretty sophisticated neurovascular event with a lot of moving parts,” she explains. “You need adequate blood flow, healthy nerves, the right hormonal environment, and a nervous system that's able to shift into the state required for sexual arousal.”If any one of the cogs in the machine is amiss—which can be the result of anything from work stress to a bad night of sleep, excess alcohol intake, or overexercising—an erection might remain MIA even when attraction is very much there, she explains.Knowing that isn't just a fun fact to file away in the name of Science; internalizing it can take a whole lot of pressure off everyone involved. Rather than interpreting softness as evidence that your peen-having partner isn’t turned on treat an erection as just one possible response to arousal, rather than the whole kit-and-kaboodle.That frees everyone up to pay attention to much more useful indicators of whether the sex is working, like how you each respond to Qs like: Does this feel good? What are you craving? Do you want to keep going?2. Try stuffing. Many of us who sleep with people of the penis-owning variety have had sex with someone who likes to ignore the softness of their penis. Opting instead to, as my ex-boyfriend (🙄) once called it, “push rope.”From personal experience, I can attest that pretending a penis is in a different state than it is feels more like taking an Improv class (yes, and???) than intimacy. But there is actually a version of penetration with a soft penis that sex educators recommend: Stuffing.From a missionary or lifted missionary position, “a man can tuck his penis into his partner’s vagina without an erection,” write Miriam Kaufman, M.D., Cory Silverberg, and Fran Odette in The Ultimate Guide To Sex and Disability. “By moving her hips and using her PC muscles, the woman can create a sort of pulling and sucking experience inside her vagina. At the same time, the man’s body moving against the woman can provide clitoral stimulation.”As it turns out, this technique can provide some of the sensation of fullness associated with penetration while simultaneously allowing for the external clitoral stimulation that the vast majority of women report makes orgasm easier or more pleasurable.3. Become an erogenous zone explorer. Rather than approaching a soft penis with one predetermined idea of where or how it should be touched, use the opportunity to explore which parts of the entire (!!) genital region respond to what stimulation, suggests Spann.His recommendation: Dabble with sensations like grinding on, licking, sucking, caressing, stroking, or vibrating the testicles, scrotum, and perineum—letting your partner's verbal and non-verbal reactions guide what you do more or less of.The anus offers yet another potential pleasure zone and can respond to external touch, including kissing, licking, and motorized pleasure, adds Spann. For most people with penises, the peach is also home to an internal erogenous zone called the prostate (P-spot), which generally responds well to pressure vis-a-vis anal penetration.(Let this parenthetical serve as your official reminder that anything that goes into bum must have a flared base to keep that bad boy firmly rooted outside the body. And that lube is a must for any kind of anal penetration as it's a canal that is not self-lubricating).4. Bring in a pleasure product (or three). Fleshlights and other masturbation sleeves get all the press. But countless other sex toys can be enjoyable for penis owners, regardless of where their penis falls on the Rigidity Spectrum.Naturally, there are vibrating cock rings, which work overtime by combining pleasurable vibration with the constriction of a traditional cock ring, which can help someone maintain whatever degree of firmness they have, explains Spann. Though you don't need to have (or be trying to get) an erection for the vibrations they deliver to feel good.Any other vibrator you have on hand (Magic Wand, anyone?) will also be handy. “Using the vibrator around the head of the penis, around the shaft, and even around the scrotum and/or perineum for some, can be pleasurable,” he says. Just add plenty of water-based lube to the equation, as the sensation of silicone sliding against the thin skin of the genital region can be uncomfy without adequate glide.There are also toys specifically designed to make penetrative play possible without relying on penile rigidity. Many penile extension sleeves and dildos like this one and this one can slide over the soft penis, creating a firm external structure that can be used for penetration. Pro tip: If you try a dildo-like option and it falls off, which happens (no big deal), consider wearing it with a harness like the Squareparts Deuce, which can help hold the toy securely against the body so you can thrust without relying on penile rigidity to keep it in place.There's also the Balldo, which fits around the testicles and creates a penetrative appendage using the wearer's own anatomy. And the Hot Octopuss Pulse Duo, which is a taco-shaped toy designed to be usable whether the penis is erect or flaccid.5. Ask for what you want. Many of the aforementioned tips are about how to interact with a flaccid penis such that it brings its owner pleasure. But, and this is important, just as a stiffy isn’t required for someone to experience pleasure, it also isn’t required for them to dole it out either.Board-certified urologist Peter Schlegel, MD, FACS, an internationally acclaimed expert in the treatment of erectile dysfunction and advisor with Ro, a sexual health pharmaceutical and supplement company, doesn’t dance around it: “Men can give sexual pleasure without an erection.”So, don't let the softness of your partner's penis stop you from asking for the kind of attention you want, too. If you’re interested in being on the receiving end, communicate as much as you can. Trust, you’ll both forget all about the firmness of your partner’s penis when you’re in the throes of Pillow Princess Mode.So, if you’re interested in being on the receiving end, communicate as much as you can.What to Do During the Refractory Period No article on soft penises would be complete without some mention of the refractory period. ICYWW: That’s the time after orgasm when the body temporarily becomes less responsive to sexual stimulation and another erection or orgasm may not be immediately possible, explains Pearlman.“During the refractory period, the nervous system temporarily becomes less responsive to additional sexual stimulation,” she says. Usually, during this time, penile sensitivity decreases and the threshold required to perceive stimulation may increase, she says.Sometimes, “something that felt amazing 30 seconds ago may suddenly feel neutral, overly intense, or even uncomfortable,” she says. Other times, certain penile touches are a no-go, but others, as well as kissing and other erogenous zone stimulation, remain on the menu. “Someone may still want to give pleasure by performing oral sex, using their hands or a toy, or otherwise continuing to deliver sexual touch,” she says.In short: Don’t treat the post-orgasm soft penis as you would either an erect or never-been-erect one. Instead, invite your partner to share what kind of touch (if any) feels good—and share what feels good to you, too.When to Suggest a Visit to the Doctor A soft penis on a random Tuesday is no cause for concern. But if it becomes your partner's (or yours) new norm, Pearlman suggests talking to your healthcare provider. “If someone’s erections aren't as firm, they lose them more quickly, morning erections have changed, they’re relying on more stimulation than previously, or the problem is interfering with their sex life, then it's reasonable to get evaluated,” she says.Sexual health is health, and actually changes to it can sometimes offer clues about what's happening elsewhere in the body. “Erectile changes and dysfunction can sometimes be the first clue that something else is happening medically,” she says. So while a soft penis really is definitely not the end of your sex life—or necessarily a problem at all—sometimes it does give you intel about your or your partner’s health that's worth investigating.